


tea lights

by gotchick



Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-17 04:51:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 72,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4653021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotchick/pseuds/gotchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in his first year of high school, jackson joins the astronomy club and meets a quiet, star-loving boy called mark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**year 1, spring**  
  
the first day of the first year of high school is freshman orientation. jackson's mum drops him off outside the school gates, zooming away in her car with a kiss on his cheek, a whiff of her perfume and a "have a good day, honey!" he stands outside the school gates, watching the students filter in, a mixture of new and old but already segregated in comfortable cliques, and tries to look more unflappably calm than he's feeling.  
  
it's the beginning of spring, jackson's favourite season because it's right before summer and no longer has the chill of winter. he can't resist enjoying the rustle of dessicated leaves skittering across the courtyard in the last of the autumn winds, the almost indiscernible scent of cherry blossoms borne on the breeze. jackson closes his eyes and imagines he's back in the spring of his fifteenth year again, in his last year of junior high. back then, things had been so innocent and uncomplicated, familiar, free of the unknown and uncertainty. he didn't have to worry about starting out at a new school and making new friends and _growing up_.  
  
the rattle of rusty bicycle chains startles jackson from his reverie. when he opens his eyes, he sees a boy on a battered bicycle, braked with his scuffed sneakers on the asphalt a distance away. when jackson catches him watching, he immediately drops his gaze and swings himself off the bike clumsily, nearly tripping and taking it down with him. he wheels the bicycle through the school gates, not meeting jackson's inquisitive gaze again, but as he passes jackson notices a curious tinge of red at the tips of his ears.  
  
the bell rings, making jackson jump in alarm, quickly rushing between the gates just before they close. he dashes all the way down the corridor and up two flights of stairs to his homeroom, losing his way twice. when he finally finds the right classroom, he's already five minutes late.  
  
jackson groans inwardly as he raps on the door. what a way to make an entrance on the first day. the homeroom teacher looks up sternly and all the students' heads swivel up to look at him from their seats. jackson avoids their gazes shamefacedly as he mumbles an apology and heads for the only remaining seat in the last row of the classroom, one seat from the back door.  
  
as he unslings his book bag and slumps down in his chair, sweating, the boy sitting beside him at the corner leans over to gush in a low whisper, "cool entrance."  
  
jackson looks up, frowning, but there is no sarcasm in the boy's earnest gaze and cheeks flushed with admiration. he is very cute, in a likeable way, the kind who jackson can guess will probably become one of the popular kids with both girls and guys. but there is something about his smile that is irresistible and infectious. jackson returns it warily.  
  
it's all the encouragement the boy needs. "let's be friends," he declares, moving his desk a few inches closer to jackson's. "i'm jinyoung."  
  
"jackson," jackson says, and jinyoung's mouth forms an impressed O, like jackson's name is as cool as he expected. "i wish i had an english name too," he sighs wistfully.  
  
"you're not chinese," jackson observes, confused.  
  
jinyoung nods, beaming. "i'm korean."  
  
"your chinese is really good."  
  
jinyoung's grin broadens. "thanks. i moved to taiwan when i was ten."  
  
it's jackson's turn to regard jinyoung with admiration. jinyoung giggles, shooting a glance at the teacher who is still droning on about something which neither of them have paid any attention to. "do you want me to teach you korean?"  
  
  
  
an hour later, jackson and jinyoung are still busy communicating in hushed whispers and scribbled notes shoved back and forth when the teacher's textbook sails in an arc across the room, landing between them. jinyoung's eyes widen as they both look up with resigned dread to see their teacher's furious glare.  
  
"i cannot believe this," jackson groans, as they stand outside the classroom with their arms raised above their heads, holding up their arithmetic textbooks. "detention on the first day of school? you're really a bad influence."  
  
when he looks over, jinyoung's forehead is damp with sweat but his eyes are gleaming unapologetically. "at least you're 5% more fluent in korean than you were this morning."  
  
"not that much!" jackson rolls his eyes. "well, maybe 1%," he allows, and jinyoung looks vindicated.  
  
after a moment, though, a frown mars his sunny disposition. "are you regretting?" jackson teases, but jinyoung shakes his head. "i just remembered... i have something to do after school."  
  
jackson swallows. "are you making me go for detention alone?" he whines, and jinyoung looks chastised.  
  
he pats jackson's back. "don't worry, i won't abandon a friend in tough times."  
  
  
  
after class, however, jackson is the one who approaches the teacher alone and lowers his head humbly, apologizing for the incident and explaining that it was all his fault and that jinyoung was innocent. the teacher thoughtfully listens and thankfully accepts his apology with the promise that he will do two days of detention instead of one and not talk in class again.  
  
jackson slings on his bag, heading out of class and pausing at the door to watch the teacher make his way down the aisle to jinyoung, who is rubbing his sore arms and packing his books. he only stays long enough to watch the expression on jinyoung's face transform from gloomy disappointment to disbelieving relief, before he continues out of the door and down the corridor, wondering why making a stranger who he just met today happy can put such a foolish smile on his face.  
  
with a start, he realizes that the first day of high school which he had dreaded for so long is over. it wasn't as bad as he had feared, and jinyoung had a lot to do with it. even though he doesn't know how he's going to explain to his mother how he got detention on the first day... jackson groans and fishes out his phone, firing off a text message with a lame excuse that his mother is sure to see through in a second.  
  
  
  
the classroom where detention is supposed to be held is on the second storey, where the sophomores' classrooms are. jackson peers in gingerly to see that it is still empty except for a teacher sitting at the front desk who beckons him in. no one is dumb enough to get detention on their first day.  
  
jackson sighs heavily after passing his slip to the teacher and settles behind a desk at the back of the room. he pillows his head on his bag and stares out of the slatted aluminium windows at the students filing out of the school gates, drunk with freedom, laughing and shouting about where to go to have fun after school.  
  
his eyelids are drooping sleepily when a knock on the door makes him jerk up, wiping a thread of drool. jackson stifles a gasp when he sees the boy with the bike from the morning standing in the threshold of the classroom, looking bored and scruffy.  
  
the teacher looks at him with resigned recognition, as if this isn't the first time he's been here, and holds out a hand for his slip. the boy slaps a dog-eared piece of paper into her hand and turns to face the classroom. when he sees jackson, his eyes widen in recognition, looking him up and down with something like bemused respect.  
  
jackson feels his face growing warm, bristling inwardly at this insolent senior thinking jackson is one of his kind, a _delinquent_. from his untucked and obviously unironed uniform shirt, the shadows beneath his sleepy, hooded eyes, he's obviously an empty-headed stoner, probably a repeat student, jackson thinks contemptuously. he deliberately closes his eyes and breaks their connected gazes, lowering his head back onto his bag again and pretending to be sound asleep, unaware of the approaching footsteps of the boy as he weaves slowly down the aisle and the scrape of chair legs on floor as he settles down a few rows in front of jackson.  
  
when jackson jolts awake, the afternoon light is a few shades dimmer and the teacher is gone from her desk but the boy is still in front of him, shoulders slumped as he slouches unmoving in his seat. jackson blinks at the back of his head, his tufted hair sticking up in a cowlick. the only indication that he's not sleeping upright is the muffled rap music drifting from the earphones dangling from his ears, audible even from this distance. his gaze flickers to the clock on the wall above the whiteboard. it reads 4.48pm. another twelve minutes to the end of detention. jackson quietly rejoices that he had managed to sleep through it or he'd have been bored out of his skull staring at the back of the boy's head for two hours, the too-long hair at the nape of his neck curling over his collar.  
  
jackson sits up quickly as the teacher walks back into the classroom, presumably from the toilet. the boy doesn't even flinch, only lifting his ipod up from under the table and running his thumb over the screen.  
  
jackson pretends to be doing his homework for the rest of the period, hoping the teacher will not remark on his shameless napping. luckily, she only reminds him to come back again tomorrow as he files past her with his head down after they are dismissed. the boy is a few paces behind him, and jackson feels inexplicably embarrassed at the thought that he might've heard. he doesn't understand why he cares about what this stranger thinks of him. it's not like jackson is a _good boy_ , a geeky, studious nerd. but he's not exactly a _bad boy_ either, the kind who will get two days of detention in a row on the first day of freshman year. apparently, though, this boy is.  
  
jackson doesn't look back as he trudges down the now-deserted corridor, the school inordinately tranquil and quiet without the garrulous chatter of hordes of students thronging the corridor. quiet enough to hear the slap of the boy's soles on the ground behind him, his shuffling footsteps and the white noise of the music emitting from the earbuds still plugged into his ears.  
  
the boy continues following him down the one flight of stairs and towards the nearly-closed school gates, though to be fair this is probably the only route out of school. jackson slips through the gap in the corrugated iron gates and starts down the sidewalk towards the nearest bus stop. it's the sleepiest hour of the afternoon and the roads are almost as empty as the corridors at school, only a lone car occasionally puffing leisurely by. jackson can't resist slowing his pace and enjoying the onset of spring, the breeze making fallen maple leaves dance over the asphalt.  
  
jackson has his pick of the seats at the bus stop when he arrives, and he sinks down with satisfaction on the choicest one. he peers into the distance impatiently in anticipation of the bus's arrival and pretends not to notice that the boy has settled unobtrusively onto a scarred seat at the corner of the bus stop. there's something about the slope of his shoulders, the way he carries himself, that makes jackson feel like he wants to fade into the background, unnoticed, anonymous.  
  
when jackson's bus comes chugging down the lane, finally, the boy stops shadowing him. jackson climbs aboard and throws himself down in a seat by the window, catching a glimpse of the boy still immersed in his ipod, his head lowered and bobbing slightly to an invisible beat as the bus rolls away.  
  
  
  
"honey!" his mother smothers him in a distressed hug the moment he walks into the house. "what happened? why did you get detention on your first day? did you get into a fight, darling?"  
  
jackson suffers her embrace and hurriedly eases her worries with a vague excuse, leaving out the information that he has another day to serve tomorrow. "i made a friend!" he says brightly, knowing the news will distract her.  
  
predictably, his mother's face lights up. "really, sweetheart? that's amazing! what's his name?"  
  
"jinyoung," jackson mumbles, feeling weirdly proud at saying jinyoung's name for the first time. he hadn't realized how pleased he was of successfully making a friend too.  
  
"he sounds wonderful!" his mother enthuses, clapping her hands in delight. "you must invite him home one of these days. i'll bake cookies."  
  
jackson evades a promise with a few monosyllabic grunts, and drags his feet to his room. "i'm dead beat, mum," he whines.  
  
"poor thing, get some rest then! i'll call you when dinner's ready."  
  
  
  
when jackson opens his eyes the next morning, he forgets for a split second and thinks he's still in junior high. he half expects to hear his best friend, nicholas, shouting up to him from outside his window to wake up sleepyhead or they'd be late for school. after being classmates for all three years of junior high, they had sadly been separated into different high schools. they had promised to keep in touch, but to jackson it was a tragedy no less poignant than _titanic_.  
  
then he remembers that at least he has jinyoung, and it's a bright spot in the daunting day ahead that he'll be meeting him again. jackson might be displaced, but at least he won't be alone.  
  
when jackson walks into class, jinyoung is sitting on his desk swinging his legs back and forth, presiding over a gaggle of classmates jackson doesn't know. jackson bites his lip, trying not to look as left out as he feels as he slinks past and squeezes into his seat, hiding behind his bag.  
  
but when jinyoung notices him, he exclaims with genuine warmth, "jackson!"  
  
jackson smiles weakly as jinyoung says with his eyes wide, "dude, can you believe these guys all want to learn korean?"  
  
to the others, he announces with a big grin, "guys, this is my best friend and T.A., jackson."  
  
"T.A.?" jackson sputters, even though what he's mentally freaking out over is the _best friend_ part. "i barely know three words of korean!"  
  
jinyoung slaps him on the back reassuringly. "don't worry, it doesn't matter because you _look_ korean."  
  
"i do?" jackson is confused but flattered.  
  
jinyoung nods enthusiastically. "you're the hottest guy in class. excluding me, of course," he adds arrogantly.  
  
the girls clustered around them don't seem to disagree as jackson blushes and laughs in pleased embarrassment.  
  
  
  
"why don't you start a korean club?" jackson suggests later as they are splitting a bag of chips at break. "seems like it would attract lots of chicks." their homeroom teacher had just briefed them on the mandatory school rule for every student to join one or more extracurricular club in their first year.  
  
jinyoung laughs and shakes his head. "i've already decided on what club to join."  
  
"what?" jackson gapes.  
  
"astronomy," jinyoung declares dreamily.  
  
jackson frowns. "are you into that?"  
  
"nope."  
  
"then why...?"  
  
jinyoung stands up abruptly, almost upsetting his chair. his eyes glow with manic excitement as he grabs jackson's arm and practically hauls him out of the classroom and down the corridor, in the direction of the cafeteria.  
  
when they arrive at the bustling cafeteria, jinyoung scours the crowd impatiently with his eyes, eventually seeming to locate what he's searching for. "sit down," he hisses, and they duck onto a bench, behind the heads of a row of students as two seniors saunter past, deep in conversation and taking no notice of them.  
  
"because," jinyoung whispers, and jackson follows the direction of his starry eyes to the retreating back of the taller one.  
  
  
  
jackson pries the details out of jinyoung after school, and jinyoung confides to him that he has been looking at this senior -- _im jaebum_ \-- since his first year of junior high. at first, he caught jinyoung's eye because he was the only other korean in their school. but later, he held it for much more different reasons -- because despite that, he had managed to become the head prefect, respected, adored, liked by everybody. in a country far away from home, jaebum had managed to shine all the same. and -- "god, he's gorgeous," jinyoung sighs. "i mean, i'm good-looking, but he's in a whole different league."  
  
"sounds like someone has a crush," jackson teases, and jinyoung doesn't even bother to deny it, his cheeks flushed dazedly. "an unrequited one," he corrects softly, looking wistful, and jackson's chest tugs with sympathy.  
  
"why don't you confess?" he says gently, and jinyoung looks horrified.  
  
"and completely freak him out and be known as that creepy gay freshman from now on?" he cries shrilly.  
  
"maybe he'll like you too? i thought you knew you're the cutest freshman in school," he jokes.  
  
jinyoung just looks depressed and far from confident, and jackson realizes that he probably only brags to hide his insecurity. "i'm pretty sure he's straight as an arrow."  
  
jackson considers this and figures it has its logic. he can't imagine those honour student, straight-laced campus hunk types not having the campus babes as their girlfriends. "then... maybe just being friends is better than nothing."  
  
jinyoung nods, smiling a little. "that's what i thought. so, will you join the astronomy club with me?"  
  
"what?" jackson yelps. "i know even less about astronomy than korean!"  
  
"please?" jinyoung turns liquid puppy-brown eyes on him. "i'm too wimpy to join alone."  
  
"... fuck my life," jackson moans in english.  
  
  
  
an epiphany dawns on jackson as he trails at jinyoung's feet reluctantly, following him to the astronomy club as jinyoung anxiously messes with his hair, combing it with his fingers -- he probably likes jinyoung more than he realizes. there are two reasons why: firstly, the obvious is that he is joining the _astronomy_ club, for fuck's sake. the second is that he is surprised to find that he doesn't mind as much as he thought he would that jinyoung is gay. or bisexual, at least.  
  
it's not like jackson is homophobic. coming from an all-boys junior high, he knew that it was more common than people knew, especially at this hormonal, testosterone-driven age. it's just that he hadn't guessed that jinyoung was into boys, even with all his fanboying over jackson.  
  
his ruminations are interrupted by jinyoung's footsteps scuffing to an abrupt stop as he skids to a halt outside a classroom in the other wing of the school, a building which houses the chemistry labs, staff offices, sports hall and auditorium. jackson nearly walks into his back. jinyoung looks uncharacteristically pale and panicky as he bares his teeth at jackson. "do i have spinach in my teeth?"  
  
jackson snorts. "no. did you even eat it?"  
  
jinyoung ignores his question, heaving a sigh of relief as he tentatively sticks his head into the classroom and peeks from behind the door. jackson laughs mischievously and shoves him in.  
  
jinyoung tumbles headfirst into the classroom without knocking, jackson falling in after him. they stumble to catch their balance, looking up to see almost ten pairs of eyes watching them inquisitively, most bespectacled, all second and third years.  
  
jinyoung chokes out an incoherent squeak. jackson hurriedly translates, "hi! is this the astronomy club?"  
  
a boy steps out from behind, and jackson recognizes him as jinyoung's jaebum. his eyes are amused as he takes off his nerdy chic glasses. "yes. i'm jaebum, the vice-president. can i help you?"  
  
jinyoung opens his mouth eagerly, and jackson is afraid he's going to say something stupid and irrevocable, but thankfully jinyoung is shrewder than he expected.  
  
"hi," he says, voice shy but remarkably composed. "nice to meet you. i'm jinyoung and he's jackson. we're first years and we _love_ astronomy. can we join the club?"  
  
jaebum dons his glasses again and squints skeptically at them, and jackson helpfully nods  convincingly and adds, "absolutely _adore_ it," laying it on thick.  
  
"well, we don't have any first-year members yet..." jaebum hesitates, and jinyoung's breath catches audibly as he gazes at jaebum with hopeful puppydog eyes.  
  
jaebum looks startled by the intensity of his gaze, and relents, flustered, "... but i guess it's okay, since you guys are so passionate."  
  
jinyoung squeezes jackson's hand in a bone-crushing grip. "thanks, hyung!" the korean words seem to slip out of his mouth unconsciously, and he looks equally startled by them as jaebum does.  
  
"are you korean?" he says, eyes no longer roving absently between them but honing in on jinyoung and focusing seriously.  
  
jinyoung nods bashfully, and blurts out, "we were from the same junior high too."  
  
jaebum's eyes widen, and jackson senses that jinyoung is slipping into creepy stalker territory. dutifully as best friend, he quickly launches into damage control, elbowing jinyoung hard in warning and blurting out the first question that comes to mind loudly. "who's the president?"  
  
jinyoung lets out a muffled _oof_ , and jaebum looks confused by the sudden change of subject but reluctantly tears his attention away from jinyoung to answer jackson politely. "he's... not in."  
  
another senior in the group gathered around the meeting table interjects, "he hasn't been by for awhile. nowadays, jaebum's practically the one in charge around here."  
  
jaebum laughs and shakes his head modestly. "mark's just busy. and he's done a lot for the club. after all, he was the one who created it."  
  
the other senior grudgingly agrees. "we're only keeping him as president because he knows the most about stars," he admits.  
  
 _mark?_ jackson thinks. the name strikes him because it's english, in contrast to the chinese names that most students go by. too bad he was on a hiatus, or jackson might have found someone to practice his english with.  
  
  
  
jinyoung is practically skipping as they walk back down the corridor towards their classroom, face flushed with excitement. jackson laughs and forgets his reservations about joining a boring geek club. as today's activities were ending soon, jaebum had told them to report the next week with their filled-in application forms so he could officially register them as members.  
  
they are nearing the classroom when jackson suddenly yelps in horror. jinyoung spins around, alarmed. "what?"  
  
"i'm late for detention!" jackson screeches, dashing into class to grab his bag and blowing past a gobsmacked jinyoung. "don't wait for me! i'll text you later."  
  
jackson sprints all the way down the stairs to the second floor, wheezing to a halt in front of the classroom. the teacher looks out of the door and frowns at him disapprovingly, glancing at her watch, and jackson bows apologetically as he shuffles in with a sheepish smile.  
  
after the teacher accepts his slip, jackson turns to face the classroom. the first thing he sees is the same boy from yesterday, sitting in the same seat in the otherwise empty classroom. the only thing that's different is his hair. and it is very different.  
  
while his hair had been a copperish brown yesterday, dark enough to pass as natural, today it is obviously not, bleached into an ashy silver grey and teased into spiky tufts. jackson gapes at it unabashedly as the boy drops his gaze, colour rising in his cheeks at jackson's intense scrutiny.  
  
jackson realizes he's staring and finally tears his eyes away, moving down the aisle towards his usual seat. as he passes the boy, their arms graze briefly, making the hair on jackson's arm stand. the boy's elbow is scraped, his skin warm. jackson surmises that the change in hair colour is probably the reason why he's in detention again, and he wonders why the boy would do such a thing on purpose, knowing that it was against the rules.  
  
the sun sinks slowly into the horizon as the afternoon wears on. at the front of the classroom, the teacher is absorbed in grading papers. the ceiling fan drones lazily above them, making jackson's worksheets flutter weakly and drawing his gaze up to the back of the boy's head again, looking completely different from yesterday with just a change of hair colour. the 4pm sunlight streaming through the dusty windows brings out platinum highlights in his coarse smoke-grey strands, like spun gossamer threads of white silver.  
  
today, surprisingly, he's not plugged into his headphones but instead doodling on a piece of notebook paper, the curve of his shoulders looking as bored as jackson feels. there's something about it that spikes jackson's bravery, making him tear out a page from his own notebook on impulse and scrawl on it, _i like your hair_.  
  
jackson squints one eye shut as he takes aim, shooting the crumpled ball of paper at the back of the boy's head. it lands almost on target, tumbling down his shoulder to roll to a stop on the floor beside his chair.  
  
the boy turns around slowly, frowning. jackson nods encouragingly at the ball of paper, offering a friendly smile to show that he means no harm, and he looks bewildered as he bends to pick it up and unfolds it hesitantly.  
  
jackson waits with bated breath as the boy reads the note. he stares at it for an endless moment, then places it on his desk. jackson thinks he's going to ignore it, but then he sees the boy fishing a pen from his pencilcase and lowering his head to write something on the note.  
  
jackson hurriedly casts his gaze down as the boy turns. he feels the gentle thud of something landing with remarkably accurate aim on his table, and tries not to unravel it too eagerly.  
  
the boy has scribbled a single word in blue pen below jackson's: _thanks_. but the brevity and simplicity of his reply is softened by the cute smiley face at the end, and jackson looks up, his breath catching. although he can't see the boy's face, he imagines that he's biting his lip to hide it as he smiles foolishly at the whiteboard, much like the way jackson is.  
  
maybe he wasn't as bad a guy as jackson had first thought, he thinks as he ambles towards the bus stop, hearing the boy's footfalls trailing a distance behind him, their rhythm oddly calming and not bothering him as much as they did the first time.  
  
the bus stop is empty again, all the students having long left at dismissal. jackson swings his legs and studies his sneakers as he waits for the bus. he is surprised when the bench creaks and the boy settles down beside him, an arm's length away but undeniably much closer than yesterday.  
  
jackson's heart leaps oddly, even though the boy just stares blankly into the distance and doesn't say anything. he really does seem kind of cool, especially with that platinum blond hair. and he has the added distinction of being a senior, giving him an air of unattainable maturity.  
  
because the volume of his music isn't as loud as yesterday, jackson doesn't notice that his earbuds are hanging from his ears until he says, "did they ask you to dye it back?"  
  
surprisingly though, the boy doesn't look bothered but unplugs his earphones easily and replies, seeming to have heard with no problem. "yeah," he shrugs with a resigned half-smile. his voice is unexpectedly deep and low, catching jackson off guard for a moment.  
  
"what a waste!" he exclaims indignantly. the boy looks surprised by his outburst.  
  
jackson blushes but says, "no, seriously. that sucks. you should take a selca to commemorate it, at least."  
  
"sel...ca?" the boy repeats hesitantly.  
  
jackson can't resist laughing out loud, and the boy looks mildly miffed, like he thinks jackson is laughing at him. jackson hurriedly clarifies, "it's just that i'm not surprised. you don't look like... a selca kind of person."  
  
"i know what it is," the boy says testily. "i'm just not into taking them."  
  
jackson takes in the sunshine splashed over his artistically tousled hair, making it gleam almost flaxen, the row of matching silver piercings glittering from his ear. it seems ironical for such an unnarcissistic person to be blessed with such photogenic looks.  
  
jackson doesn't reply, just reaches out for the ipod in the boy's hand. the boy shrinks away reflexively, startled, but jackson smiles and pries it gently from his grasp. "can i borrow this a second? i think there's a camera function."  
  
he fiddles with the touch pad, finally locating the camera button which makes the screen open into a mirror which suddenly reflects both of them. jackson's other hand instinctively goes up to fix his hair as he raises the ipod over their heads, tilting it to find the best angle.  
  
the boy's face hovers in the background, their differing distances to the camera making it about half the size of jackson's. jackson huffs. is he deliberately trying to make jackson look ugly? his face is already big enough as it is. but too lazy to bother to coax the boy to the front and guessing that probably no one else will ever see it anyway, he snaps a careless picture. it comes out remarkably clear and well-lit, the filter of natural sunlight flattering their skin.  
  
jackson passes the ipod back to the boy, who squints at the photo with unreadable eyes. he eventually closes it and pockets the ipod again without comment. at this moment, the boy's bus arrives. he gets to his feet, not looking back until jackson pipes up, almost drowned out by the rumbling of the engine: "what's your name?"  
  
the boy stops outside the bus doors, turning back for a brief second. a whisper of a smile plays at the edges of his lips. "yi-en," he replies softly, so softly jackson doesn't know if he caught the two chinese syllables correctly.  
  
having answered, he expects the boy -- _yi-en_ \-- to board the bus. instead, he lingers, startling jackson with his first expression of any interest or initiative ever since they met. "what's yours?"  
  
jackson opens his mouth, about to reply with his english name, but inexplicably, what comes out is his chinese one. he prefers to go by his english name most of the time because he thinks his chinese one is less pretty and difficult to pronounce, but when he says, "jia-er," yi-en's eyes light up.  
  
he mouths jackson's name silently, as if commiting it to memory, as he finally turns to climb aboard the bus, the doors closing behind him. jackson watches as he meanders down the aisle, looking for an empty seat and sliding into one near the back, by the window. as the bus zooms away, jackson catches his eyes for a heartbeat and it's probably his imagination but he thinks he sees yi-en smile uncertainly.  
  
  
  
jackson doesn't see yi-en after that day, since he doesn't go to detention and he doesn't expect that yi-en goes daily either. he doesn't seem to be as much a delinquent as jackson first thought. once, a week later, jackson catches a glimpse of him outside the second-years' classrooms one storey down, and almost doesn't recognize him because his hair is now a jet-black that is even darker than his original dark chocolate shade. it's unstyled and falling over his eyes, his shirttails falling out as he sidles down the corridor and out of jackson's line of vision, alone, his head down.  
  
jackson wonders if he has any friends and is surprised by the pang of pity he feels. then jinyoung nudges him to get his attention, and jackson is distracted.  
  
  
  
sometimes when he's walking from the bus stop to school or to the bus stop after school, he hears a familiar rattling of bicycle chains and turns to see yi-en breezing past him on his bike, a blur of speed and windswept hair, too quickly for jackson to even call a greeting. he vaguely wonders why yi-en had taken the bus those two days after detention even though he had a bike, but it only crosses his mind for a second.  
  
  
  
they've gotten into the routine of attending club activities every tuesday afternoon. after the bell rings, jackson and jinyoung will troop to the astronomy club without even having lunch first because jinyoung is too excited and doesn't want to miss a single possible minute of seeing jaebum. instead, he usually fixes a huge bento box of bulgogi sandwiches or kimbap which, on the pretext of sharing with the other members, he tremblingly offers jaebum one. jaebum will look up from whatever intricate model of the galaxy he's assembling, peeling off his glasses, small eyes disappearing into a smile of surprised pleasure as he accepts the food gratefully.  
  
to his surprise, jackson is scouted to join the fencing club too by mino, a senior who had been in their junior high fencing team with him. it seems like he's getting roped unwittingly into all these different clubs and activities without himself planning to, but jackson can't say no to his friends and at least he has more interest in fencing than astronomy.  
  
one tuesday, towards the end of their meeting, jaebum looks thrilled as he informs them proudly that there will be a predicted meteor shower a few nights later and that their club has been granted permission to camp at school overnight to watch and observe it.  
  
jinyoung's eyes widen as he squeezes jackson's hand. jackson can read the disbelieving thoughts in his eyes like a book. an entire night with jaebum? jackson groans. he was planning on worming his way out of it but guesses that jinyoung will not allow it.  
  
"come on!" jinyoung wheedles as they leave the school together. "it'll be fun! how can you miss such a beautiful thing?"  
  
jackson snorts. "would this _beautiful thing_ you're referring to be happen to be called im jaebum?" he snarks, voice heavy with sarcasm.  
  
jinyoung blushes furiously and jackson can't bear to continue teasing him.  
  
  
  
on friday night, they assemble in the deserted school courtyard, dressed in comfortable tracksuits with overnight duffels and sleeping bags. the silvery moonlight illuminates the granite compound and a faint night breeze chills their skin. jaebum's sports jacket is zipped dorkily all the way up to his chin, but jinyoung swoons, "he's _so_ hot," and jackson thinks he's seriously screwed.  
  
when all the members have assembled in the darkened courtyard and jaebum has taken attendance, he still doesn't make a move to go, glancing distractedly at his watch.  
  
"are you waiting for someone?" jinyoung pipes up, confused, and jaebum is opening his mouth to answer when jackson hears footsteps and turns to see a familiar but unexpected face. yi-en rushing across the courtyard, skidding to a halt before them and bending to catch his breath with his hands on his knees.  
  
jackson just blinks for a moment, unable to reconcile yi-en appearing at this time, on this night, at the astronomy club. it's the very last place he had expected to see him again. but one of the seniors shout in surprise, "president, you came!" and jaebum smiles and explains to them, "i asked mark to come help out today."  
  
"mark?" jackson blurts out before he can catch himself. "isn't your name yi-en?"  
  
yi-en swivels around, eyes widening when he finally notices jackson standing in the shadows at the corner of the group. however, he doesn't seem as surprised to see jackson as jackson feels to see him, and he has an odd feeling that maybe mark already knew he was in the club. after all, he was the mysterious president.  
  
mark shoots him a small, nervous smile of acknowledgement, and answers jackson's question which he belatedly realizes sounds a little accusatory. "it's my english name."  
  
"yi-en," jinyoung repeats, sounding out the syllables in his korean-accented chinese, and jaebum and mark chorus at the same time, "he doesn't like being called that," and "just call me mark."  
  
jinyoung's mouth falls open as he absorbs this. a slow, impish grin spreads over his face. "oh, i see. so jackson is the only one who's allowed to call you that?"  
  
abruptly, jackson realizes how it sounds and mark seems to also at the same moment, a tinge of red dusting across his cheekbones, visible even in the dark. "it's not like that. i --"  
  
"relax," jinyoung laughs loudly. "just kidding, _mark_."  
  
mark looks relieved, and quickly launches into soft-spoken but authoritative instructions to the group members, who follow them obediently. he is obviously equally respected by the club as jaebum.  
  
with flashlights and blankets to spread on the grass and keep warm, they climb up the small hill. in the dark, jinyoung trips over a tree root, and jaebum catches him before he loses his balance. "careful there," he says, voice kind, and stays behind jinyoung quietly for the rest of the journey. if only mark were as caring a senior -- but no, he's taking absolutely no notice of them, lingering at the very back of the group and conversing in low voices with a few senior members.  
  
however, later, when jackson has spread out his blanket and lay down with his head pillowed by his hands on the grassy slope, a distance from the rest of the group, mark approaches. he doesn't say anything but simply settles his own blanket beside jackson, lying back with a soft sigh. jackson stares up at the swirling patterns of the stars, unable to see mark but only hear the even push-pull of his breathing beside him.  
  
"they're all connected, you know," mark says softly, and jackson finally turns to look at him. the chiseled lines of his profile are silhouetted by the iridescent starlight, and his eyes gleam like coal. jackson looks at him questioningly, and mark elaborates, "the tides and the moon and the stars." he tells jackson about the ebb and flow of the tides, the cycles of the moon and the aligning of the stars, his voice mellow and soothing as the words wash over jackson. all of a sudden, a streak of light flashes across the canvas of the sky, so quickly jackson would've missed it if he blinked.  
  
"is that a shooting star?" he gasps, and can hear similar exclamations of delight from the nearby cluster of members.  
  
mark smiles and nods, and jackson can hardly contain his excitement as he keeps his eyes peeled, not wanting to miss the next one. "it's started," mark states, his calm voice unable to hide his own exhilaration.  
  
they wait with bated breath, in a silence of infinite depth. after what seems like a lifetime or a heartbeat, another star arcs gracefully across the midnight sky, vapor trailing behind it like a tail before fizzling into the darkness. "it's beautiful," jackson breathes, inexplicably feeling the prickle of tears.  
  
"exquisite," mark agrees quietly.  
  
impossibly, it gets even better as the number of stars start increasing till jackson can no longer keep count of them, exploding into brilliance simultaneously like fireworks bursting through the sky. jackson watches open-mouthed the ocean of stars falling at their feet, raining down on them like a waterfall.  
  
"make a wish," mark suggests, and jackson instinctively closes his eyes. when he opens them, mark has torn his eyes away from the sky and is looking at jackson, like it's the first time he's seeing him. when jackson notices, he immediately shifts his gaze away.  
  
they fall silent until the last of the magnificent spectacle fades, and then stand up to join the rest of the members discussing the panorama they've just seen in thrilled voices as they descend the hill.  
  
  
  
the next morning, jackson wakes up, groggy and disoriented to jinyoung's impatient nagging. he crawls out of his sleeping bag and sees that most of the others' are already empty in the rows they are arranged in in the auditorium. jackson sniffles and sneezes, coughing a little. jinyoung looks concerned. "did you catch a cold?"  
  
"mmm," jackson grunts grouchily, struggling to his feet and moving to rummage in his bag for his toothbrush and toothpaste. he assures jinyoung that he can go for breakfast first and he'll join him later, and makes his way alone to the row of sinks outside the boys' toilet. as it's saturday, the school is deserted, the morning breeze pleasantly chilly but making jackson shiver slightly and his nose run.  
  
he clumsily brushes his teeth and uses his cupped palms to scoop water from the faucet to rinse his mouth. when he's wiping his running nose on the sleeve of his shirt, wishing he had some tissues, mark steps out of the toilet, morning dew glimmering on his freshly-washed face, clad in a sports jacket with the school's logo emblazoned across the front.  
  
a smile flickers across his eyes when he sees jackson, but it is quickly replaced by a frown as he walks closer and takes him in. "why is your face so red?" he says brusquely, hand coming up without warning to rest on jackson's forehead. "are you sick?" he demands.  
  
jackson mumbles something incoherent, too shocked and dizzy to reply properly. mark curses under his breath and unzips his jacket, stripping it off. he's only wearing a threadbare gym shirt underneath but doesn't seem to notice the cold, draping the jacket clumsily over jackson's shoulders and tucking the collar tightly around his neck. "you'd better go home first," he says authoritatively. "i'll let jaebum know," and jackson abruptly realizes the reason for his actions. of course, it's not because he cares. it's simply because he's the president and it's his duty. jackson smiles bitterly at his foolishness.  
  
"i'll return your jacket," is all he says as he turns and walks away without a backward glance, hearing mark's exhalation of annoyance behind him but no footsteps following after him or voice calling him back.  
  
  
  
jackson washes mark's jacket and folds it up neatly, tucking it into his bag the next tuesday as he trudges with jinyoung on the now familiar route towards club. jinyoung makes no secret of the fact that tuesday is his favourite day of the week, for obvious reasons, but jackson doesn't reveal that it has become something he looks forward to as well. he never expected to be interested in astronomy, but then he thinks of mark's sleepy voice during the meteor shower, prickling on the edges of the drizzling stars, and feels an undeniable surge of intrigue.  
  
when they get to club, jackson's heart skips a beat of relief to see mark sitting on a desk in a shaft of afternoon sun, swinging his legs as he reads the latest volume of one piece, dust motes dancing in the light from the window streaming in around him. the rest of the members are gathered around the desk in low discussion and jaebum is working on his model at the back of the class, looking utterly engrossed.  
  
jackson had wondered if mark would be attending future club sessions or if he had only come to help for the special activity. in the case of the latter, he'd have to seek mark out at his classroom and that might've been awkward. jackson fishes the jacket out of his bag and approaches mark, who looks up, his eyes unreadable as they take jackson in.  
  
"hi," jackson says tentatively, and they soften a little, the edges of his lips curling up infinitesimally in a half-smile. "hey."  
  
jackson extends the jacket. "thanks," he says simply, and mark looks surprised, like he'd forgotten he'd lent it to him, but takes it stoically and immediately puts it on, pushing his hands through the sleeves comfortably. he returns to his manga, effectively dismissing jackson.  
  
"yi-en," jackson blurts out, and mark looks up, startled as his eyes flicker around the classroom to see if anyone else has heard. everyone is absorbed in their own activities and mark seems to exhale a small sigh of relief as he looks back at jackson again. "what is it?" mark asks politely, and jackson doesn't know what to say. _i just wanted to say your name_ doesn't seem very appropriate right now. he doesn't know how to explain his sudden urge to breach the distance that seems to have formed between them since the first two days at detention, the insurmountable chasm of one year.  
  
jackson had thought they were friends, at least. maybe he was thinking too much. "nothing," he says shortly, turning to move away. mark doesn't return to his manga, staring at jackson's back with unsettled eyes like jackson has done something he doesn't understand. jackson tries not to notice his gaze as he sits down beside jinyoung at the back of the classroom and starts on his homework.  
  
  
  
and so every tuesday goes by much the same way -- jackson walks into club with jinyoung, no longer surprised but still inexplicably lighter to see mark, sitting unobtrusively by the window or joking with jaebum, helping him add the finishing touches to his rapidly expanding model. it's the largest-scale and most intricate model of the galaxy jaebum has ever tried to build, jinyoung informs him proudly. and it looks undeniably impressive, its slow but steady growth reflecting the way the four of them are drawing closer to each other -- jackson and jinyoung, jinyoung and jaebum, jackson and mark.  
  
the days trickle by like droplets of water dripping from a faucet not turned off properly, each drop reverberating a wave of ripples in jackson's heart as it plops onto the surface of the collecting puddle. jackson gradually gets used to high school, much because he has managed to find a space for himself, a group of friends in which he fits in. as promised, jinyoung spends an hour a week after school giving korean lessons to an increasingly expanding group of classmates, including jackson, and jackson regularly attends practice at the fencing club every thursday. but there is a special place in his heart reserved for tuesday afternoons at the astronomy club with jinyoung and mark and jaebum and the other friendly members, lazy and languid and where jackson feels most at ease.  
  
when the makeshift korean classes grow too big for jinyoung to handle alone, he approaches jaebum beseechingly to ask if he could consider helping him out. jaebum agrees readily, his signature eye smile unflagging and delivers true to his word. he appears at their classroom the next monday, drawing awed stares from the boys and hushed giggles from the girls, proceeding to launch into a remarkable lesson as jinyoung's assistant teacher.  
  
"he totally likes you," jackson pronounces as they pack up later after dismissing the students and sending jaebum off with profuse thanks.  
  
"no way!" jinyoung protests vehemently. "he's just being helpful. you know he can't say no to anybody."  
  
jackson purses his lips. "fine. i guess we'll just have to test him then."  
  
"t-test him?" jinyoung squeaks doubtfully.  
  
  
  
the next day, jackson turns up to club alone. jaebum looks up, face lighting up when he sees him in the doorway, and peers expectantly behind him, smile slipping a little when no one appears.  
  
"where's jinyoung?" he demands anxiously, and jackson tries not to smile. the plan is going well.  
  
"well?" jaebum snaps impatiently. "is he ill?" mark looks up in concern.  
  
jackson pauses, keeping him waiting deliberately and finally says casually, "nah. he's not coming today because he went out with bomi after school."  
  
"... bomi?" jaebum repeats, looking stunned. "who's that?"  
  
"only the hottest girl in our class," jackson replies offhandedly. he neglects to mention that it's true that bomi and jinyoung went out together, but only as friends, and that she's friends with jackson too. jaebum's face crumples.  
  
"oh. i see," he says, struggling to keep his cheerful, gentle smile in place, even though it doesn't reach his eyes. _park jinyoung, you lucky ass_ , jackson thinks, wishing he could take a photograph of jaebum at this very moment, his eyes lost and bewildered as he mechanically presides over the club meeting, losing concentration more than once and unconsciously snapping at one of the members and proceeding to apologize profusely. it's beyond the shadow of a doubt: jaebum likes jinyoung. impossible as it was, long-unrequited as it was, jinyoung's dream has finally come true.  
  
  
  
jackson reports the proceedings to jinyoung the next day, who listens with disbelieving hope and barely concealed glee. "i can't believe it," he keeps murmuring. "you must be pulling my leg."  
  
jackson eventually huffs in exasperation. "fine, you can see it for yourself if you don't believe me."  
  
jaebum turns up the next monday for korean class and is a professional and efficient teacher as usual, but he leaves immediately after that with a perfunctory excuse mumbled in jackson's ear that he has to go somewhere. by tuesday, it's getting obvious that jaebum is avoiding jinyoung.  
  
jackson and jinyoung huddle at the back of the class with mark beside jaebum's galaxy model, which he hasn't touched today. jaebum is sitting at the teacher's desk, importantly firing off instructions to the nodding members who scribble his words down as if they're gospel. jinyoung had barely been able to get a word in edgewise since they arrived and looks dangerously close to tears. jackson feels a pang of sympathy and sneaks a glance at the reassuring mound of mark's slightly slouched shoulders as he copies jaebum's homework. he wonders if mark knows about jinyoung's crush on jaebum, or if he would care even if he did. mark doesn't seem like a person who sweats over things like that and jackson envies his easygoing carelessness.  
  
everything is going wrong and jackson hopes that he hasn't just destroyed jinyoung and jaebum's tenously developing relationship with his brilliant idea. at the end of club, they linger until everyone has left except mark, who is still packing his books slowly into his backpack behind them. jaebum is still sitting at the teacher's desk, unsmiling eyes looking forbidding as he scrawls and flips through some documents.  
  
jinyoung approaches him apprehensively. "hyung..." he starts, but jaebum replies him in chinese instead. after they had realized their shared ethnicity, they usually communicated in rapidfire korean that jackson struggled to keep up with but is increasingly able to discern bits and pieces. but today, jaebum says in fluent chinese, "if you're going to skip club activities as and when you like, you shouldn't have joined in the first place."  
  
his voice is severe and jackson can see jinyoung flinch all the way across the room. reflexively, his defensive instincts kick in and he starts towards them but feels a hand close around his elbow, holding him back. jackson whirls around in surprise to see mark with a look on his face that stops jackson in his tracks.  
  
"i'm disappointed in you," jaebum continues, arranging his papers and getting to his feet before brushing past jinyoung and leaving the classroom without a backward glance.  
  
the room descends into an oppressive silence. the crushed look of dismay on jinyoung's face hurts jackson physically. how had things spiralled out of control so fast? jackson had thought he had it all figured out. behind him, mark has fallen silent too, even the rustling of his papers ceasing. jinyoung doesn't meet either of their eyes as he snatches up his bag, face burning and pivots on his heel, fleeing out of the classroom before jackson can say anything.  
  
jackson clenches his jaw and glares after jaebum, hands reaching for his own bag and feet already starting after him. but a gentle but firm pressure on his arm stops him cold. thoughts racing, jackson turns frowning to see mark's entreating eyes. "my bicycle broke down. can you help me take a look at it?"  
  
jackson blinks a few times, momentarily confused. had mark not just witnessed the scene? anyway, what business was it of jackson's that his bike was broken down? it wasn't like jackson was the resident mechanic, or something.  
  
jackson opens his mouth to say so, but the words die on his tongue at mark's level gaze. maybe mark does know, and is trying to tell jackson in his own way not to get involved. and jackson _did_ owe him a favour. he sighs resignedly and follows mark out of the classroom as he turns off the lights and fan behind them.  
  
  
  
mark leads the way to the empty parking lot behind the school building, where a few beat-up bicycles, including his, are chained to a rack. he unlocks the chain with a key from his pocket and bends down beside it, brows creasing as he messes with the gear of the pedals. jackson crouches down beside him and gently elbows him out of the way. "i'll do it," he says gruffly, and mark obediently watches as jackson clumsily attempts to fix the loose bicycle chains.  
  
finally, hands stained with grease and grime, he stands up and says, "try it." mark swings a leg over the bicycle and straddles the seat, cycling a few feet and gingerly testing out the brake.  
  
"it works," he cries, face lighting up into a radiant smile jackson hasn't seen before that makes his heart swell with pride that he had managed to please mark. mark cycles in a wobbly circle around the quadrangle, untucked shirttails looking like wings as they flutter in the breeze. jackson feels a sudden twinge of loneliness at mark looking for all the world as if he's about to take flight without a backward glance, leaving jackson behind.  
  
"hey!" he calls, as mark passes him the last time, brusquely swinging his bag off his shoulder and into the basket between mark's handlebars, and his legs over the back of the bicycle behind mark. he narrowly misses impaling his crotch on the frame but his feet find the jutting spokes of the back wheels in time, grabbing tightly on to mark's shoulders for balance. mark had impressively managed to maintain his balance throughout jackson's sudden and unexpected embarkation, but now he swerves the bike precariously, making jackson yelp and tighten his grip. thankfully, he manages to steady them after a few seconds and then they are rolling down the road at a brisk and breathless pace, bumping and jolting over potholes and the gritty asphalt.  
  
"why did you get on?" mark growls at him, twisting his head up to look back at jackson when they halt at a traffic light. his face is flushed, probably with irritation. it spreads down to his neck, under jackson's fingers and he swallows.  
  
"t-take me home to thank me for repairing your bike," he demands bossily.


	2. Chapter 2

mark doesn't respond. not that jackson expects a response. but he also doesn't kick jackson off his bike, and that's something. jackson guesses he doesn't mind. he's starting to be able to read mark's silences -- till he met mark, jackson had always thought that there was only one kind of silence. now, he thinks that there's a whole dictionary of them. or maybe mark's resolutely clammed up lips have just driven him to lunacy.  
  
when mark scuffs a sneaker over the asphalt and tightens his fingers over the newly-repaired brake outside jackson's house after a bumpy but admittedly prompt ride, jackson frowns as he clumsily climbs off. "how did you know where i live?"  
  
mark's mouth falls open, colour creeping up his face. he clears his throat. "you told me."  
  
jackson's frown deepens as he searches his memory. "i did? i don't remember doing that..."  
  
mark swallows and looks down guiltily.  
  
jackson nudges his foot with his shoe, making him look up. mark looks very uncomfortable.  
  
"i glanced at your application form, okay?" he finally admits gruffly. jackson sees a defensive flash in his eyes and his lip twitches.  
  
"oh," he just says. mark looks surprised, like he's expecting jackson to demand why or tease him sarcastically. which jackson expects himself to do too, because it's his usual style. he doesn't know why he backs off from probing the issue, but maybe it has something to do with taking pity on how uneasy mark looks at his actions being exposed. and the flattered glow of warmth jackson's feels swelling his heart at mark's interest.  
  
"bye," jackson says brilliantly instead, shouldering his bag and ambling towards his house. mark doesn't reply and jackson resists the urge to turn back until he hears the by now familiar rattle of rusty bicycle chains and the rolling of wheels over granite fading into the distance. he sees mark's retreating back cycling down jackson's street, his hair windswept and his posture relaxed. jackson shifts his eyes away and pushes open his front gate.  
  
  
  
the next day at school, jinyoung doesn't say anything about what happened the afternoon before and jackson doesn't broach the subject either, figuring that he doesn't want to talk about it and deciding to be tactful and sensitive for once. but on monday, jaebum doesn't turn up for korean lessons. jackson glances at the door occasionally, half-expecting jaebum to walk in but jinyoung doesn't remark on or even seem to notice his absence, presiding over the lesson with remarkable poise and authority, even if he smiles significantly less than usual.  
  
bomi lingers after the lesson, approaching jinyoung as he's packing up his teaching materials. in a matter of months, the makeshift korean lessons have evolved into something that started for fun, more as a joke to a quality and structure that could rival actual legitimate lessons. jackson tells jinyoung that he has a gift for teaching and jinyoung blushes, waving his hand and laughing it off modestly. bomi chimes in her agreement.  
  
it's not surprising for some of the girls and a few boys to hang back after the lessons, consulting jinyoung on certain korean phrases they want to know or just practicing their newly-learnt and babylike korean with each other. jackson and jinyoung both like bomi, not only because she's the hottest girl in the class but also because she has a sunny, fun and outgoing personality, and isn't haughty at all despite her good looks.  
  
"is something the matter?" bomi's best friend, jimin asks with her trademark straightforwardness and jinyoung looks up with wide eyes, flustered. "w-what? why?"  
  
jimin shrugs. "you kinda seemed out of it during today's lesson."  
  
"yeah, and jaebum-oppa didn't come either," bomi adds. "you know that if there's anything bothering you, you can talk to us, right?" she winks at jackson. "you too."  
  
"h-he's just busy!" jinyoung blurts out quickly. "he was just helping out temporarily, anyway. i don't expect him to come every week."  
  
bomi and jimin exchange glances. "ookay..."  
  
"but thanks for the offer," jinyoung says, face softening into a smile.  
  
bomi beams back. "don't stand on ceremony! we're friends, right?"  
  
"right," jackson says loudly, diffusing any remaining awkwardness, and they all laugh. "you can talk to us if you have any problems too," he tells them generously.  
  
"we'll be sure to remember that," jimin smirks at them, and the bell rings, ending their conversation as the girls hustle to leave.  
  
  
  
the next day, jackson waits for jinyoung after dismissal as he aligns his worksheets, meticulously sliding them into his file folder. jinyoung finally looks up at him, face grim. "you can go first."  
  
"what?" jackson is confused. "aren't you coming?"  
  
"maybe not today," jinyoung avoids his gaze. "i'm not feeling very well."  
  
jackson sinks down onto the chair in front of his table. "are you okay? why didn't you say so earlier?"  
  
jinyoung shuffles his papers nervously. "i'm fine. don't bother about me."  
  
"but... but what if jaebum asks why?" jackson whines.  
  
jinyoung slaps his file closed, voice surprisingly bitter as he replies, "you don't have to worry about that. he'll probably be happier."  
  
"why do you say that?" jackson asks, hurt.  
  
jinyoung swallows, shoving his file into his bag. "he probably doesn't want to see my face anymore."  
  
jackson cocks an eyebrow at him. " _probably_?" he mimics. "who told you that? don't jump to conclusions and assume things by yourself."  
  
"he said so himself the last time, that i shouldn't bother to turn up if i'm not serious."  
  
"but you are! and he only said that out of anger. isn't that what you wanted? would you be happier if he didn't notice your absence?"  
  
jinyoung grits his teeth, looking stressed and frustrated. "alright, it's me who can't face him, okay? i don't know what kind of face he'll make when he sees me and i don't want to find out."  
  
"are you afraid?" jackson says, realization dawning on him. he's taken aback because the jinyoung that he knows, his best friend, isn't afraid of anything.  
  
but jinyoung only nods quietly.  
  
  
  
jackson is left to turn up for the meeting alone, taking the familiar path to the neighbouring building feeling oddly lonely without jinyoung chattering his ear off with his usual bubbly anticipation to meet jaebum. jinyoung refuses to be budged, and jackson finally backed off and didn't force him to do something he so obviously dreaded.  
  
after some thought, he guesses that he can understand and empathize with jinyoung's feelings a little. he must be on tenterhooks not knowing what kind of expression jaebum will make when he sees him now -- irritation or impatience or annoyance, or worse still, outright dismissal? it must feel like dropping from the sky to the cold hard ground when jaebum used to smile at jinyoung like he was the eighth wonder of the world.  
  
and jackson can't deny that he wants things to be right between them, not only for jinyoung but to ease his own guilt too. he had thought he was helping to advance their relationship, not considering the consequences before offering a mindless idea, and miscalculated.  
  
as jinyoung predicted, jaebum doesn't say a word about his absence when jackson walks in. he doesn't even look up, so immersed and elbow-deep in his galaxy model and ignoring the rest of the world so resolutely that jackson thinks he wouldn't even have bothered showing up if it wasn't mandatory. being a far more responsible vice-president than mark is as president, he has never missed a single club meeting, even when he was sick or busy.  
  
mark is sitting at the teacher's desk instead, holding some sort of lecture, or at least as much as he can with his barely audible mumbling and shyness in front of a sea of eyes focused on him. he looks up when jackson sidles in through the back door, looking relieved as he takes a seat near the back of the classroom and puts his bag down, letting mark's low murmur wash over him.

after the lecture, which turns out to be surprisingly informative on extraterrestrial beings and life on other planets, the other members disperse to their separate activities and jackson gets up to approach mark who is wiping the diagrams he drew earlier from the blackboard.  
  
"need help?" he says from behind mark, and he jumps visibly, dropping the duster in his hand. chalk dust scatters onto his uniform, his fingers stained with it like powdered sugar. he bends to pick it up and turns, eyes reproachful when he sees jackson. "don't scare me like that."  
  
"s-sorry," jackson stammers, thrown by the sudden tension in the air.  
  
mark shakes his head, the reproach leaving his eyes. he tosses jackson another duster. "i can't reach the top." he points to the uppermost portion of the blackboard, poker-faced.  
  
jackson looks at it, then at him. "are you trolling me right now?" he growls, narrowing his eyes.  
  
a small, sly smirk tugs faintly at the end of mark's lips.  
  
jackson throws the duster at him.  
  
  
  
later, they walk out of school together, mark's hands shoved into his pockets. jackson hadn't spoken a word to jaebum all afternoon, and guesses that he isn't the only one who finds jaebum in a dark mood intimidating because none of the other members had either. he's surprised that the usually easygoing and approachable jaebum can have such a brooding side too. only mark had been brave enough to approach him, walking up after the session for a short exchange in low voices which jackson had strained but failed to hear.  
  
mark looked up after they were done, not looking surprised to see jackson still in the classroom. although they haven't discussed it, it's become routine for jackson to wait for mark after club activities and leave together. they hadn't become chummy or anything. it's not like mark has started fetching him home every day after school.  
  
but he does every tuesday.  
  
  
  
mark chews boredly on a stick of gum as they make their way down the stairways and the deserted corridors towards the parking lot. jackson sneaks glances at him, trying to pluck up the courage to voice out the thoughts on his mind. because no one else knew about the situation and jackson couldn't discuss it with jinyoung or jaebum, the troubles had been bottled up inside him for a long time. mark is the only one who had witnessed all the events beside him, the only person he can count on to even remotely try to understand it.  
  
just when he opens his mouth, mark forestalls him. "jaebum wanted to know if you said anything."  
  
"anything?"  
  
mark looks over at him. "about jinyoung."  
  
jackson's heartbeat quickens. "he cares?" he says excitedly. "i mean..." he quickly amends, "he wants jinyoung to come?"  
  
mark smiles, looking amused at jackson's fluster, and just nods.  
  
jackson knits his brow. it doesn't sound right. somehow, he just can't imagine prideful jaebum asking mark if jackson had said anything about jinyoung. they hadn't looked like they were talking about this either.  
  
"did he really ask you that?" he asks doubtfully, studying mark's face closely.  
  
their gazes lock for a moment before mark moves his eyes away first.  
  
he shakes his head. "but he wanted to know," he repeats, and jackson finally gets it.  
  
"i have to fix this," he says decisively. "after all, i was the one who caused it."  
  
mark gives him a lopsided, wry smile. "don't be too hard on yourself," he says quietly. "you were just trying to help."  
  
so he had noticed and known what was going on. with his blank face, jackson had found it difficult to tell what he was thinking. he's starting to learn that mark is someone who doesn't reveal his emotions easily, who keeps his cards close to his chest. but not in a cunning or devious way or anything. he's just... not easy to read. and jackson finds it more intriguing than unsettling.  
  
"what can i do, though?" he sighs, putting away these thoughts first to tackle the issue at hand. he's definitely not going to talk to jaebum and there's not much chance of communicating with jinyoung when he's clammed up like that too.  
  
they arrive at the bicycle rack and mark crouches down to unlock his. he gets on and jackson swings his leg over the back, by now with much more ease than the first time. mark pushes down hard on the pedals, jolting the bicycle into motion as they travel out of school. he doesn't answer jackson's question and jackson thinks he's forgotten about it until they stop outside his front gate and he climbs off, slinging on his bag.  
  
mark looks up at him. "maybe you can talk to jaebum... if there's a misunderstanding you want to explain."  
  
jackson's eyes widen. "talk to him?"  
  
mark laughs. jackson thinks it might be one of the first times he's ever heard it. "he's not that scary."  
  
jackson gulps.  
  
"i would do it for you, but... he wouldn't believe me."  
  
"you... you would do it for me?" jackson gapes at mark.  
  
mark smiles and ducks his head shyly. "if i could."  
  
it's the simplicity of his answer that makes up jackson's mind. even mark, for whom talking is a challenge, is willing to help him repair the situation he created. why should he continue making jinyoung suffer because of his cowardice, if it's within his ability to resolve it?  
  
"okay, i'll try," he says determinedly. mark looks surprised by his sudden resolution. maybe he doesn't know that jackson is a person who, once he has decided to do something, doesn't flinch or vacillate.  
  
"thanks," he mumbles to mark, turning to walk to his house, but mark's hand on his elbow stops him. "jia-er."  
  
jackson turns, blinking at mark's unexpected usage of his name.  
  
"be nice," mark says in soft english, eyes smiling.  
  
  
  
at break the next day, jackson slips away alone with a hasty excuse to jinyoung that he's going to the restroom and slinks down the stairs to the sophomores' classes.  
  
when he finds mark and jaebum's class, the first thing he sees is mark sitting in his seat at the far corner of the classroom, earbuds plugged in and flipping through a manga. he seems to sense jackson's gaze at almost the same time, looking up. he looks startled at first, then comprehension dawns in his eyes and jackson follows them towards the right to find jaebum sitting alone too at his desk a few rows ahead, his glasses sliding down his nose as he scribbles seriously on a worksheet.  
  
jackson shifts his eyes back to mark. mark raises one eyebrow, like he's asking whether jackson can handle it. jackson pauses before giving him a small nod, then takes a deep breath and walks into the noisy classroom.  
  
when jackson is standing in front of jaebum, he still doesn't look up, so deeply caught up in his work. jackson knows that this time there is no other alternative than to completely come clean. he could try and goad jaebum into revealing his feelings by making sensational statements such as _jinyoung wants to quit_ , but he suspects they would probably backfire instead and cause the web of misunderstandings to grow even more tangled.  
  
he clears his throat. jaebum looks up, brows knit. his eyes widen when he sees jackson. "jackson-ah? what are you doing here?"  
  
even though jaebum's laidback smile is absent, his voice is still as kind as it has always been. jackson wonders why he felt afraid at all to talk to jaebum when he knew jaebum would never be anything but polite and friendly to him.  
  
"i... i just wanted to tell you that... when i said jinyoung went out with bomi the other day, i didn't mean as a date. they went out as friends. she's one of our friends."  
  
jaebum finally focuses his undivided attention on him. he takes off his glasses. jackson thinks he catches a flash of relief in his eyes, but it might just be his imagination. after an awkward pause, he finally replies. "so? he still missed club, right?"  
  
"yes, but --"  
  
"jackson-ah." jaebum studies him thoughtfully. "why are you telling me this?"  
  
jackson swallows hard, thrown by the unexpected question. he looks up at mark, who gives him an encouraging smile.  
  
"can you... can you ask him to come back to the club?"  
  
jaebum stares at him evenly. "why should i do that? it's his choice whether he wants to attend or not," he says impassively.  
  
"because he thinks you don't want to see him! he's in pain!" jackson catches himself at the last word, realizing that he's slipping into his bad habit of exaggerating.  
  
jaebum looks concerned at the _in pain_ part, and a little confused. jackson bites his lip guiltily. he has a feeling he's just worsened the situation. "why would he think that?" jaebum asks gently.  
  
"well, duh!" jackson nearly shouts. seriously, talking to jaebum is like slamming his head against a wall. for someone who's supposed to be smart he can be such a brick-head. "you ticked him off the last time!"  
  
"ticked him off?" jaebum furrows his brow, and jackson's mouth drops open.  
  
"i can't believe you forgot," he starts, getting agitated despite mark's admonition. out of the corner of his eye he sees mark getting out of his seat and moving towards them, like he's worried jackson is going to swing a punch or something.  
  
but jaebum says placatingly, "i didn't forget. i'm sorry if i sounded harsh, but i was just letting him know one of the club's rules. if anyone isn't serious about committing to weekly meetings, they shouldn't bother to join."  
  
jackson feels his frustration rising at jaebum's denseness. "okay," he says calmly, taking deep breaths. "okay. i just have one question for you --" he feels mark walk up behind him, not touching jackson's arm but just standing there and listening. jaebum's eyes are on his, waiting, revealing nothing. jackson tries to ignore mark's presence and continues, "do you seriously not care at all if you never see jinyoung again?"  
  
at the words, something flickers across jaebum's eyes -- something like what jackson has been seeing in jinyoung's transparent ones for the past few days. and that's how jackson knows that he wasn't wrong about his hypothesis. jaebum shares the same feelings as jinyoung.  
  
jaebum blinks and drops his eyes back to his textbooks, dismissing jackson. "did you come here just to ask me that?" he says in the same bland voice, but jackson hears the faintest, almost indetectable tremor.  
  
"yes," he answers frankly, staring hard at the back of jaebum's bent head as he shuffles his papers. "and i hope you think about what i said."  
  
  
  
on his way back to class, jackson finds himself thinking not about jaebum's mulish nonchalance but the way he had been so impassioned that he had forgotten mark was still standing behind him and bumped into him when he took a step back, treading on his shoe. he had heard a soft gasp of pain as his back pressed against a warm, solid body, and jackson hastily jumped back in alarm. mark leaped back too, and then they both looked down at jaebum to find him staring between both of them in bafflement.  
  
jackson had quickly left the class and mark slunk back to his seat. on his way past the back door, jackson caught a glimpse of mark with his head lowered and earbuds shoved in his ear again, looking out of the window. he wondered if mark was still thinking about him and thought, _probably not_. he had most likely forgotten the awkward moment a second after it happened.  
  
  
  
jackson spends the ensuing days on pins and needles. he half-expects jaebum to walk in eagerly at any moment, begging jinyoung to forgive him and come back to the club because he can't live without him -- although the logical part of him knows that this will never happen in this universe. but at least jaebum should find some way to convey to jinyoung that he doesn't hate jinyoung's guts the way jinyoung thinks. jackson's head snaps up eagerly at every pair of footsteps, but soon he grows tired of waiting and slowly loses hope that jaebum cares.  
  
on monday, jinyoung is sitting on jackson's desk and discussing his plans for the coming lesson when jackson hears an approaching set of footsteps but doesn't bother looking up. it is the abrupt ceasing of jinyoung's chatter and his sharp intake of breath that alerts him. as jinyoung exhales shakily jackson whips his head up to see jaebum standing apprehensively in the doorway of their classroom, his head lowered. when he looks up to meet jinyoung's eyes, he looks stricken.  
  
"jaebum-oppa! you're back!" he is quickly swarmed by a group of adoring girls from their korean class, blocked from their vision again. jackson hears jinyoung heave a sigh of relief and pokes his side. jinyoung looks down at him, his cheeks flushed and eyes dazed.  
  
"stay cool," jackson mouths to him, and he bobs his head obediently.  
  
  
  
jinyoung is drastically different from his self the previous week as he animatedly conducts the lesson. jaebum is smiling at him again, more guarded than before, but at least he's smiling and professional as he deftly assists jinyoung in his teaching. jackson resists the urge to put on his most smug, superior smirk, instead sliding his phone out of his pocket and snapping a quick picture of them on the pretext of checking it. jinyoung would kill him alive if he knew that jackson had done that, but he figured that one day in the future jinyoung would appreciate having this snapshot to remind him of their awkward puppy crush days. besides, it was the least he owed jackson.  
  
he sends the picture to mark. his phone vibrates with a reply within a minute. the text just reads _lol_. it isn't even capitalized. jackson rolls his eyes. _wtf?_ he texts back. mark doesn't even bother to reply.  
  
but later as jinyoung is wrapping up the lesson with jaebum, beaming like christmas has come early, jackson's phone vibrates again. he opens mark's message eagerly. the subject line just says _selca_ and the picture attached is of mark sitting at his desk, the slats of the aluminium classroom windows behind him, silhouetted by the pale blue afternoon sky. his chin propped up lazily on his knuckles, smiling.  
  
  
  
"how do you know english?" jackson enquires conversationally one afternoon as mark is wheeling his bike out of school with jackson walking beside him at a leisurely pace. it's the height of summer and jackson enjoys the warmth of the sun shining into his eyes and bathing his face.  
  
mark glances over at him. jackson wonders why it's taken him so long to ask, when it was something he had wondered from almost the very first day about mark.  
  
"i was born in los angeles," mark answers.  
  
jackson oogles him. "seriously? near hollywood?"  
  
mark cracks a smile and nods.  
  
"that's so cool! did you meet any celebrities?"  
  
"a few times," mark says vaguely, sounding more bored than impressed. jackson isn't surprised. in the short time he's known mark, the only thing he's seen that can impress mark -- indeed, the only thing he doesn't find boring -- is stars. he doesn't seem to be much interested in real people, the real world.  
  
"how about you?" mark asks in his soft-spoken voice, interrupting his train of thought.  
  
jackson stammers, flustered. even after so long, he still can't contain the ridiculous spike of pleasure whenever mark displays the slightest bit of interest in him or his life.  
  
"my mother is from hong kong," he explains simply, and mark nods thoughtfully as he takes this in.  
  
"we should talk in english from now on, just to piss off jinyoung and jaebum," jackson babbles gleefully, partially meaning it and partially to hide his anxiety.  
  
mark breaks into a rare, full-watted smile, his sharp canines peeking out for an instant. for some reason, the sight makes a bead of cold sweat roll down jackson's back.  
  
mark's hand moves up to his face without warning, his thumb brushing across jackson's temple. "you're perspiring," he remarks, studying his damp fingertip. "are you very hot?"  
  
"uh, um," jackson stammers, the innocuous comment somehow sounding twisted to his heat-addled ears. "i'm f--"  
  
"do you feel faint?" mark's palm moves to rest lightly against his forehead, two delicate creases appearing on his own. "be careful not to get heatstroke."  
  
jackson abruptly recalls the morning after the meteor shower, when mark was so solicituous and caring in this exact same way that it made jackson unbearably confused. he draws away, making mark look hurt.  
  
he takes jackson's hand loosely. "come on," he just says, dragging jackson forward.  
  
"wait, where are we going?" jackson protests halfheartedly.  
  
mark eventually lets go of his hand to keep the bicycle steady, wheeling it down the sidewalk outside school, but not before turning to give jackson a look that says _follow me like a good boy_. jackson shuts his mouth and obeys.  
  
he hears the distant tinkling of the bell before he sees the ice cream truck. it's just a makeshift roadside stall, parked by the lane, looking worn-out and nondescript. but mark's pace doesn't slow as he nears it with conviction.  
  
the elderly, tired-looking ice cream man gives them a toothless but welcoming smile as they arrive. mark smiles back warmly.  
  
"what flavour do you want?" he turns to jackson, already digging into his pocket for loose change.  
  
"um..." jackson doubts they have fancy flavours like his favourite tiramisu here. "vanilla?" he mumbles hesitantly.  
  
mark favours him with a brief approving smile. "two vanillas please, uncle."  
  
jackson takes his proferred cone as mark slips a few dog-eared notes into the man's hand. when the man tries to give him a few coins in change, he refuses it gently but firmly. the man beams toothlessly at them and jackson turns away, feeling a pang of pity.  
  
he takes a tentative lick of his cone as they walk away. his eyes widen at the fresh, sweet taste of vanilla.  
  
mark's eyes glint with amusement as he glances over, taking a bite of his own cone. "taste better than it looks?"  
  
"much," jackson confesses, wolfing down his ice cream. he should have gotten a double scoop.  
  
mark laughs, high and silvery in the sleepy afternoon quiet. "you want more?" he offers, tilting his cone towards jackson.  
  
it's tempting, but jackson shakes his head. he doesn't think he's quite ready for the intimacy of sharing food with mark yet.  
  
after they finish their ice cream, wheeling the bicycle between them with their free hands, mark clambers aboard. the summer breeze tickles jackson's ears and ruffles his hair as he clings tightly to mark's waist and closes his eyes, letting the rhythm of the rickety old bicycle carry him home for what feels like the thousandth time.  
  
  
  
by now, it's become part of their weekly routine, like clockwork -- traipsing to the opposite building after dismissal every tuesday and finding the other members gathering in the astronomy club room, but for some reason, every single time, jackson's eyes always seem to seek out mark and jaebum first. specifically, mark, then jaebum. it's like there's a magnetic force pulling his vision unerringly towards mark, an invisible radar built into him. jackson guesses that just like jinyoung, mark and jaebum have unobtrusively become his closest friends.  
  
they faithfully take the same route every week at the same time, whether rain or shine. on sunny days jackson will most likely find mark basking in a shaft of sunlight like a contented house cat, while on rainy days he will almost unfailingly be clad in his school jacket with the sleeves pulled over his wrists, plugged into his ipod as he conscientiously listens to music.  
  
"what are you listening to?" jackson sits down beside him one day when jinyoung has wandered away to help jaebum with a particularly tricky step in the assembling of his model. he no longer hesitates or thinks twice before he approaches mark, knowing that the perennially plugged-in earphones are meant to discourage some people from talking to him, but also that the list of these people doesn't include jackson.  
  
mark's bright answering grin confirms this. he beckons jackson to lean closer, easily pushing one of his earbuds into jackson's right ear. jackson is surprised to hear a chinese song, which after a few verses he identifies as _silence_.  
  
"jay chou?" he can't help blurting, unable to hide his surprise.  
  
mark smiles, eyes mischievous. "did you expect something else?"  
  
jackson laughs. "yeah, i don't know. i expected heavy metal or angry rap music or something."  
  
mark laughs out loud too, drowning out the music for a moment. "you're right, i mostly listen to eminem and drake and chris brown. but sometimes i'm just in the mood for ballads. like on rainy days."  
  
jackson takes this in. it's true that there is something about the combination of the rain falling in the background and the soothing dulcet crooning of the love song that is magical. he shivers, and mark's smile immediately fades in concern.  
  
"are you cold?" he leans closer, looking worried. before jackson can reply, he has already stripped off his jacket, his earbud falling out of his ear. he drapes it over jackson's shoulders clumsily. "don't catch a flu now."  
  
jackson sniffles, his nose feeling sore and his sinuses making his eyes water. he doesn't know why something in the cavity of his chest aches miserably whenever mark acts like this.  
  
mark picks up the earbud and fits it into his ear again, tilting his head towards jackson's so that the cord is long enough. he places his hands on top of each other on the table and slouches forward, resting his chin on the backs of them. his jacket slips on jackson's shoulders and he hastily pulls it up before it falls to the ground.  
  
  
  
one afternoon, they dash breathlessly into club to find only jaebum present, absorbed in a game of wastepaper basketball with the other members. his model of the galaxy is in its finishing stages and he seems more relaxed nowadays, spending more time during club meetings on discussions and activities with the other members.  
  
jackson tries to hide his disappointment as he shuffles into the classroom and drops his bag on his usual seat. he had been spoiled by mark's frequent attendance of late, forgetting that he used to be absent for most of the meetings. he had probably grown bored and couldn't be bothered dropping by anymore. jackson ignores the slightly hollow pit in his stomach and takes out his homework.

but jinyoung easily flounces up to jaebum and queries without hesitation, "where's mark-hyung?" jackson privately admires the way he had unassumingly broken through all of mark's barriers as if he didn't see them, immediately worming his way into mark's good graces, calling him _mark-hyung_ in a wheedling voice that made jackson's hackles rise.  
  
he can't imagine himself calling mark _hyung_. or _ge_. or anything, actually, except _yi-en_.  
  
mark never calls him anything except _jia-er_ either, unless there are other people around. in fact, he seldom addresses jackson.

not that jackson addresses him often either. there's something disquieting about the intimacy of the two syllables of mark's chinese name rolling off his tongue; the way mark's eyes look whenever he used it -- raw and exposed and vulnerable.  
  
the way jackson feels when mark calls his name.  
  
jaebum brightens visibly at the sight of jinyoung. he tears his attention away from the game for a moment and answers, "he's on the rooftop."  
  
"oh." jinyoung beams back at him foolishly, and when jackson calls out mockingly, "get a room!" jaebum blushes beetroot and throws the paper ball in his hand furiously at his face.  
  
  
  
on the pretext of escaping from jaebum's rage, jackson flees the classroom. but as soon as he's out of the members' sight, he immediately detours and makes for the rooftop. he knew their school had one, but he had never bothered to explore it, climbing up the dusty and grimy steps towards the faint rays of light creeping through the ajar door.  
  
when jackson pushes it open, he finds mark lying on the slate grey granite of the rooftop, folding paper aeroplanes. a stack of white paper with squiggles of indecipherable words printed on them rests beside him.  
  
mark's eyes flicker towards him when he hears jackson's footsteps. "oh, hey," he says casually. he no longer seems that nervous whenever jackson comes near him, but there's still a flicker of uneasiness in his eyes which he quickly tamps down but doesn't escape jackson's shrewd notice. he tries not to take it too personally, telling himself that if mark didn't like him, he wouldn't be friends with jackson. mark might not be good at expressing his feelings, but he isn't the type to hang out with people he doesn't like.  
  
jackson sinks down onto his haunches beside him, feeling the warmth of the sun-baked granite seep through his uniform pants into his skin. "what's with the paper?"  
  
mark sits up, dislodging a few paper planes. "we misprinted some documents for the club. jaebum was going to crumple up all of the wasted papers to play basketball, but i managed to save a bit."  
  
jackson suppresses a chuckle. "how is this better than using it for basketball?" he gestures at the pile of clumsily folded planes around mark.  
  
mark looks defensive. "i could fold other things like cranes, but i don't know how to. besides, i like airplanes."  
  
jackson studies him, wondering why he's surprised. he had almost forgotten mark's fascination with all things to do with the sky.  
  
"why do you like the sky so much?" he asks casually, leaning back on his enfolded palms. mark squints as he turns to look down at jackson's face, as if jackson's eyes are reflecting the sun's rays.  
  
"i don't know," he answers seriously, voice dreamy. "i guess... it symbolizes freedom to me."  
  
  
  
after that, their conversation lapses into silence. presently, jackson picks up a piece of paper and idly helps mark fold a paper plane, then another. he adds them to the growing pile. when the pile has accumulated into a small mountain and the stack of papers is half-diminished, mark stops him with light fingers on his hand. "i think that's enough. we should use the rest of the paper for something less wasteful."  
  
jackson smiles, and grabs a handful of paper planes, standing up. mark scrambles to his feet, dusting off the back of his uniform. they exchange wordless conspiratorial smiles, before spending the next ten minutes hurling the paper airplanes down over the parapet of the rooftop, and ducking behind the wall when the people they land on crane their heads up to look, surprised and curious. but mostly the students -- even some teachers -- who find them look more amused than annoyed, some even unfolding the planes to check whether there's a message inside.  
  
"maybe we should write something," jackson suggests, after the fifth person who checks looks disappointed to find only a blank page filled with nonsensical printings.  
  
mark hesitates for a beat before reluctantly agreeing. "it'll take a while," he warns, but jackson only wiggles his eyebrows and grins encouragingly.  
  
"we have all afternoon," he spreads his arms outwards, and mark suppresses his answering grin.  
  
jackson digs into his pocket and thankfully finds a couple of pens among the odds and ends, and hands one to mark. they start unfolding the planes rapidly and scrawling messages inside. jackson mostly goes for cheesy, motivational stock ones like _you're_ _beautiful_ or _you're just right_ , while mark's simply say _hello_ , _smile!_ or just a haphazardly drawn smiley face.  
  
when they are done, they refold the planes quickly and resume their mission. this time, they don't bother to duck down when the people look up, because almost all the faces that do are smiling in warm amusement, or laughing so loudly that they can hear them from three storys up. some even wave up or flash them thumbs up. jackson feels a huge stupid grin aching on his face, and when he looks over he sees it reflected on mark's flushed cheeks, so giddy that it's hard to catch his breath for a moment.  
  
when they have finally exhausted their supplies, jackson collapses back onto the ground. the sun has set enough in the sky that it's dimmed enough for him to stare at it without squinting. mark lies back beside him with a sigh.  
  
"do you know that they're still up there, even though we can't see them?" he says softly, his drowsy, mellifluous voice drifting into jackson's ear.  
  
"the stars?" jackson guesses easily, smiling fondly as he looks over.  
  
mark's lips quirk in assent. "and the moon."  
  
"i know. they're there all the time. but it's only because the sun is too bright in the day, that it eclipses them."  
  
"they shine the brightest in the dark," mark whispers. "that's what i love about them."  
  
  
  
jackson can count on his fingers the days till the end of the sunny season. for the rest of the afternoon, they lie on the rooftop, soaking up the last rays of summer. when jackson gets home and changes out of his uniform, he finds a single paper plane in his pocket. it must have fallen in by accident.  
  
when he opens it, it's one of mark's and reads _i always preferred the stars to the sun, until i saw your smile_.  
  
  
  
on the last day of summer, jaebum enlists the three of them to go along with him on an excursion to buy the last remaining supplies he needs to complete his model. jaebum entrusts the group meeting to the treasurer of the club and they troop out after school. jackson feels oddly unfamiliar but excited as he is jostled between mark and jinyoung on the sidewalk as the four of them try to walk in a single line on the narrow strip of concrete. like gentlemen, mark and jaebum are standing on the outer edge, with jackson and jinyoung sandwiched protectively between them.  
  
jinyoung tugs jaebum a little closer as a car whizzes by at breakneck speed, curling his arm anxiously into the crook of jaebum's. jaebum laughs and pats his hand. because of the proximity, jackson's knuckles brush against mark's occasionally. in the end, they decide to split into pairs -- jaebum and jinyoung in front and mark and jackson bringing up the rear. jackson exhales a little in relief, setting a comfortable space between him and mark.  
  
as they watch jinyoung and jaebum flirting bashfully up ahead, jackson sneaks a quick glance at mark. he looks lost in rumination as usual, in his own private world. jackson fumbles for a conversation topic for awhile before giving up, letting the silence that has settled between them like fine dust steal over them, not uncomfortably.  
  
when they arrive at the train station to take the trip downtown, it's surprisingly crowded. the mass of commuters are packed into the carriages like sardines in a can and jackson is jostled rudely as they attempt to shove their way inside. mark steadies him in time before he loses his balance.  
  
in the carriage, jackson finds himself cramped into a sandwich between a schoolgirl about their age and a salaryman. he's pressed up against the window, trying to breathe, when mark pushes his way between them, physically wedging his body between jackson and the other people. he braces his hands against the window as the train lurches, and jackson finds himself imprisoned awkwardly between mark's arms. he's never noticed before but mark's upper arms are wiry and sinuous, muscles rippling beneath the skin.  
  
they're about the same height but mark's body blocks him completely from the invasion of others into his personal space, his breath warm and slightly damp on jackson's bare neck. jackson feels a tingle beneath the surface of his skin and resists the urge to recoil.  
  
jaebum and jinyoung have disappeared somewhere into the horde of people until they arrive at their destination and mark and jackson tumble gracelessly out of the train, heaving audible sighs of relief.  
  
"this is why i need my bicycle," mark grumbles under his breath as he undoes his top button and loosens his tie and collar, flapping his shirt. jackson makes a noise of agreement, hoping mark will attribute the hot flush on his cheeks to the crowded journey.  
  
they look up at the sound of their names to see jaebum and jinyoung rushing towards them, looking equally harassed but relieved. "stick close to mark and don't get lost," jaebum admonishes jackson sternly like he's a father and jackson's his kid.  
  
jinyoung tugs on jaebum's sleeve. "hyung, i'm thirsty," he whines in a babyish voice jackson has never heard before. but jaebum doesn't look unfamiliar with it as his face softens instantly.  
  
"aww, just bear with it for a minute, we'll go get drinks right away, okay?" he practically coos, wiping away jinyoung's sweat from his matted bangs gently.  
  
"are my ears playing tricks on me or did jaebum just say _aww_?" jackson mutters in a low voice to mark.  
  
"i heard that, dumbass," jinyoung snaps sharply, voice losing every hint of babyishness.  
  
but mark laughs his weird squeaky laugh and mouths _yes_ at jackson, ducking from jinyoung's outraged whack, and jackson feels himself melting.  
  
  
  
unable to resist jinyoung's complaints of hunger and thirst, jaebum gives in to his wheedling and decides to fill their stomachs first. they wander out of the station into pleasantly sunlit but cool weather with a tinge of apple blossoms on the breeze. before long, they happen upon one of the ubiquitous taiwanese street food stalls littered every few steps along the road in taichung.  
  
jinyoung orders braised meat rice and green onion pancakes, and jaebum obligingly whips out his wallet to pay. jinyoung doesn't even seem ashamed to make jaebum buy him food, instead digging in with relish and a breezy _thanks, hyung!_  
  
mark tilts his head towards the food, looking questioningly at jackson. "do you want anything?"  
  
jackson hesitates, about to refuse, then changes his mind at the sight of piping hot skewers of deep-fried dumplings fresh from the fryer, still dripping with oil. his mouth waters.  
  
mark laughs and orders two sticks. he takes out his own wallet and pays automatically, without even glancing at jackson. jackson swallows, feeling slightly uncomfortable, but he knows mark will push away his money if he attempts to pay him back.  
  
he watches mark sideways as they chew on the dumplings. his mouth is full, cheeks filled with food, looking like a hamster hoarding sunflower seeds. jackson looks away and obnoxiously barges between jaebum and jinyoung, stealing a bite of jinyoung's pancake.  
  
  
  
feeling parched after eating the greasy food, they enter a bubble tea shop and order big cups. jinyoung chooses peach-flavoured red tea, which jackson didn't even know existed. they keep coming up with new flavours, too fast for him to try all of them. jaebum orders taro milk tea, jackson chocolate and mark honey. jackson finds the discovery of mark's sweet tooth amusing.  
  
they noisily suck up the pearls through their oversized straws as they leave the shop. jinyoung rubs his belly in contentment and jackson sighs in satiated bliss too. jaebum checks his watch and reminds them that it's about time to head for the hardware and art supplies shops before they close. they troop down the street, huddling together and in the midst of the melody of their rowdy intertwined voices and raucous mixture of their laughter weaving together, jackson realizes that he can't remember being so happy in a long time.  
  
  
  
jackson jerks awake to the disembodied intercom voice announcing that they have arrived at the end of the line and all passengers should disembark. he wipes a thread of drool from the corner of his mouth and blinks through sleep-heavy eyelids, registering mark's sheepish face.  
  
"you're awake," he says gently.  
  
jackson swivels his head towards the station map in befuddlement. "we missed our stops? why didn't you wake me?"  
  
mark rubs the back of his neck. "you seemed tired," he just says.  
  
"but you should have --" jackson is nearly frantic, his pulse racing. the train is empty and outside the station, he can see pitch black night. mark grabs his hand and tugs him to his feet, taking control of the situation.  
  
"let's get off first," he coaxes soothingly.  
  
"i'm sorry," jackson says, close to tears tears as they stand outside the gates of the closed station, staring morosely at the starless sky.  
  
"it's okay," mark repeats, his deep, calm voice strangely hypnotic.  
  
"how are we going to get home now?" jackson wails in dismay.  
  
mark fishes out his tattered wallet and thumbs through the few notes inside. "we can take a cab," he says without conviction.  
  
"no," jackson interrupts firmly. "you already paid for my food. i'm not letting you pay for my cab fare too. if we take a cab, i'm paying for it."  
  
"jackson, please," mark snorts incredulously. "the food was like, two dollars."  
  
jackson tries to ignore the way his name sounds in mark's slurred, drawling english for the first time.  
  
"i'm paying," he repeats resolutely, catching himself in time before he stomps his foot on the ground like a petulant child.  
  
mark throws up his hands in exasperation. "if you must," he relents. "but only half, at most."  
  
jackson opens his mouth to protest, but mark is already hailing an empty cab cruising down the dark road.  
  
the taxi rolls to a stop and he opens the door for jackson. jackson shakes his head and gets in, and mark squeezes in beside him.  
  
  
  
they anxiously peer at the taxi's rising meter as it seems to chug at an incredibly slow pace down the car-less roads. as it is nearing the midnight peak hour, the prices are highly jacked-up and seem to multiply by two with every progressing minute. they seem to hit every red light along the way and the minutes drag by interminably waiting for them to turn green.  
  
mark glances over at him, face pale in the neon glow of the dashboard and jackson knows that even with the two of their cash combined, they might not have enough to pay for the full trip.  
  
eventually, when the meter reaches fifteen dollars, which is all jackson has in his wallet, he asks the driver to pull up along the road shoulder. he's definitely not eating into mark's share. fortunately, they are almost nearing his house, and the distance is walkable. the street is well-lit and his neighbourhood isn't dangerous, jackson reassures mark as he pays the driver and gets out.  
  
he has walked a short distance when he hears the sound of footsteps behind him and jumps, whirling around. he muffles his quiet gasp to see mark striding briskly towards him.  
  
"see? you _are_ scared to walk home alone," mark just says, voice soft, when he's finally in front of jackson.  
  
jackson glares at him in annoyance. "why did you get off? how are you going to get home later? you won't be able to find another cab here at this hour."  
  
his voice is shrill and breathless and urgent, but mark only shrugs unperturbedly and says, "let me walk you home."  
  
jackson pushes him, feeling like an idiot and precariously on the verge of tears again. mark stumbles back, his face looking wounded even in the shadows. "this is all your fault," jackson fumes. "if you woke me up in the train, none of this would have happened."  
  
"jia-er," mark says, voice infuriatingly calm. "it's not a big deal. honestly. i can find my way home after that. you don't have to be so upset."  
  
"don't patronize me," jackson snaps coldly, and enjoys the way he grimaces.  
  
  
  
but when they finally arrive outside jackson's house after a journey on foot of about ten minutes which jackson spent the whole of silently fuming, he's the one who tugs at mark's sleeve beseechingly just as he turns away.  
  
mark turns back to look at him, searching eyes illuminated momentarily by the puddle of orange light thrown by the overhead streetlamp.  
  
he's the one who tightens his grip on the fistful of mark's uniform shirt and whispers, "stay the night. you can go home in the morning."  
  
  
  
in the first bracing days of the onset of autumn, after they got back from their trip downtown to buy supplies, jackson has noticed a subtle but definite change in the air between jinyoung and jaebum. previously, it had been awkward and tense, but now it seems to smoulder quietly with an electricity that confounds and mystefies jackson.  
  
"did something happen between you and jaebum?" he comes right out and asks jinyoung.  
  
jinyoung colours magenta, but to his credit answers with equal honesty. "jaebum-hyung... kissed me on the way home that day," he whispers, so inaudibly that jackson almost doesn't catch it.  
  
"holy shit." he gapes at jinyoung, lost for words. "how... what... how was it?"  
  
jinyoung's blush deepens to the roots of his hair. "it was... weird... scary... amazing. jackson-ah, i really _do_ like him. i wasn't sure before, but i have no doubt now." he clutches jackson's hands in a bone-crushing grip.  
  
"holy shit," jackson repeats dumbly, still shell-shocked. jinyoung has been nursing his colossal crush for so long -- nearly a year, that jackson had stopped expecting it to be reciprocated in reality. although he reassured jinyoung that his chances were high, deep inside, he had never really believed that jaebum -- model student, stickler for rules, ex-head prefect jaebum -- would sacrifice propriety and break all the laws to be with jinyoung. he was ashamed of his cynicism, but he couldn't help it.  
  
"no wonder..." jackson muses darkly, the words slipping from his mouth before he can think them through.  
  
jinyoung looks puzzled. "no wonder what?"  
  
jackson shakes his head and laughs drily. "no wonder he looks at you like he wants to eat you right up."  
  
there should be a new shade of red invented to describe the colour of jinyoung's new default face, jackson thinks idly, because crimson doesn't even begin to cover it.  
  
  
  
he studies them covertly during the next korean lesson, abruptly catching on to details he had missed before. it all makes sense now, the way jaebum's hand moves almost naturally to rest possessively on the small of jinyoung's back; the way the backs of their hands and fingers graze more times than possible to be accidental; the way jaebum smiles dazzlingly at jinyoung, like he's the only person in the room.  
  
it's kind of digusting, actually.  
  
jackson resists the urge to gag and concentrates on his binder of korean notes. in the span of less than a year, the class has expanded to nearly thirty students and jinyoung and jaebum have actually gotten permission to register it as an actual extracurricular club. they offered jackson the role of vice-president but he declined, promising that he would always be there to back them up despite that.  
  
after class, the usual group of female and a handful of male groupies hang back to ply both of them with questions. jackson chuckles under his breath with amusement as he slides his books into his bag and waits for jinyoung and jaebum to finish up so they can head home together.  
  
today, bomi perches daringly on the teacher's desk, laughing loudly about some inside joke with jinyoung. in the past few months, she and jimin have grown to be two of jackson and jinyoung's closest friends in the class. jaebum now knows her by face and name, but he has never expressed any of the hostility he did on the first day he heard that jinyoung went out with her, always speaking to her cordially and answering her questions with an agreeable smile.  
  
today, however, jackson notices that something is different as jaebum takes a seat next to jinyoung and says something to her, literally snatching her attention away entirely. bomi laughs so loudly jackson can hear it across the room, tossing her hair in a flirtatious, coy manner that jackson is pretty sure he hasn't seen before. in front of him and jinyoung, she always acts like one of the guys, revealing her tomboyish side. but now jackson spots jinyoung's equally incredulous look as she blushes and lowers her lashes, looking feminine and shy.  
  
almost immediately, jaebum seems to have effortlessly monopolized her attention. jackson's not surprised -- he knows that jaebum can be commanding when he chooses to, nothing short of dripping with charm if he applies himself. he's just never seen jaebum flirting with girls, or even displaying any interest in them before. the only person he's ever seen jaebum flirting with is jinyoung.  
  
\-- who jackson realizes is getting to his feet this very moment with a clatter. the grating sound of the chair legs scraping across the ground doesn't even seem to make jaebum look up, so absorbed in his conversation with bomi is he. jinyoung shoots both of them one last scathing look, his jaw clenched, before hugging his files to his chest and taking large, angry strides towards jackson.  
  
"let's go," he says, voice strung tight as a rubber band.  
  
"but what about..." jackson falters, the words dying on his tongue as he realizes their stupidity and insensitiveness.  
  
jinyoung breathes a brittle laugh. "don't worry, i'm pretty sure he won't notice or care."  
  
true to his words, jaebum doesn't even look up or glance over as they pack up and leave the classroom.  
  
  
  
unofficially, thursday afternoons have come to mean solitary time for jackson -- two hours when it's just him and his sabre, the serenity of the afternoon only broken by the neat and clean swishes of metal slicing through air and the languid meandering of his random thoughts. mino, the senior who had scouted him, had successfully managed to wrangle him an exclusive time slot for individual practice, and he's considered one of the star members of the team because of the medal he had won in junior high.  
  
this thursday, the thoughts that float on the surface of his mind are concern for jinyoung's predicament and a gnawing stress about his upcoming final examinations. but still, it doesn't keep him from enjoying the solitude and the measure of peace that fencing always brings him like no other sport.  
  
suddenly, the hush is broken by a rustle outside in the field, and jackson lowers his sabre, frowning. when he swings the door open and ventures out, he finds mark leaning against the outer wall of the dojo, looking sheepish and embarrassed at being caught.  
  
"what are you doing here?" jackson gasps, abruptly aware of his racing heart and breathless pants.  
  
mark shrugs, lowering his eyes. "watching you."  
  
jackson narrows his eyes at him, scrutinizing. "how many times have you been here?" he demands, and mark's silence betrays his guilt.  
  
jackson groans. he can't believe that mark had been watching him practicing alone, probably looking like a fool, more than once. sometimes he even made unattractive grunting noises when he was particularly into it.  
  
"i'm sorry," mark hastily apologizes, looking genuinely contrite. "i can leave if you want to be alone."  
  
"n-no!" jackson's raised voice surprises himself. mark turns around slowly, eyes quizzical.  
  
jackson stutters. "stay."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> youqian = yugyeom's chinese name  
> rongzai = youngjae's chinese name

**year 2, summer**  
  
the next time jackson hears the scuffling sound of sneakers on grass, he doesn't even bother to pause the swift rhythm of his routine to turn around. instead, he can feel mark's quiet gaze watching him from the doorway which he is leaning against with his arms folded, evaluating jackson's performance and assessing his form.  
  
when he finally lets his arm fall limply to his side, sabre dangling from his hand, he looks up with some pride and a little bashfulness to finally face mark. even after so long, he still feels embarrassed for some reason when mark focuses his undivided attention on him, nervous and antsy. but relievingly, mark's eyes hold nothing but warm admiration as he applauds jackson silently and produces a bottle of cold water from behind his back.  
  
jackson takes it and unscrews the top, taking a big swig. beads of sweat roll down his damp and glistening skin and mark laughs, noticing. "you're soaked through."  
  
jackson smiles sheepishly, but mark takes his hand easily and leads him out of the dojo, his sabre dropping to the ground forgotten. mark drags him over the untrimmed grass of the field, back into the school compound and down the whitewashed granite corridors. they arrive at the row of taps behind the cafeteria, beside the boys' restroom that mark had given jackson his jacket on that night after the meteor shower nearly a year ago.  
  
mark gestures to the burnished silver of the sink, eyes sparkling playfully. "wash up a little. you'll feel cooler."  
  
the summer sun beats down on their backs, bringing out auburn highlights in mark's hair and glinting off the wet, polished metal as jackson lowers his head and presses down on the tap, letting the water gush over his hair and drip down his face. mark is right, it's surprisingly refreshing. mark laughs and looks tempted, eventually giving in and joining him.  
  
there is something about the damp translucence of mark's filmy uniform shirt, coming untidily untucked and falling out of his creased pants, his hopelessly tousled hair, sticking up in wet and spiky tufts, and the water droplets glittering on his skin like dew that makes jackson push his thumb against the mouth of the faucet, blocking the flow and making the water start spraying around in all directions like a sprinkler.  
  
mark yelps in surprise and indignation as it hits him, then laughs, immediately rising to the challenge. he cups his palms and fills them with water, then throws it at jackson's face. jackson shakes his hair like a wet dog, showering mark who dodges and runs away. they end up chasing each other around the sinks like a couple of preschool kids, dripping water and soaked like drowned rats.  
  
  
  
later, mark shivers as they wring out their damp uniform shirts. jackson sneaks a concerned look at the flimsy white tank of his gym shirt which is quickly getting drenched through too and clinging to the contours of his wiry body, the ropy muscles of his upper arms. he doesn't bother to take off mark's jacket which he had draped over jackson's bare body immediately after jackson peeled off his shirt, averting his eyes shyly, because he knows mark will not take it back.  
  
he's starting to get used to the feeling of wearing mark's school jacket, the lightweight material rustling against his skin, worn to comfortable softness by multiple washings. it smells faintly of vanilla and jasmine, like the ice cream they had eaten together and some kind of fragrant, scented shampoo. unlike most of jackson's clothes, he never detects the underlying tinge of drying sweat on mark's jacket when he offers it to him.  
  
"you okay?" mark says, brow creased gently, nudging jackson out of his reverie. he tugs the sleeves of his jacket down over jackson's wrists. "cold?"  
  
jackson realizes he had been running his fingers over the material of mark's jacket absently, looking like he was hugging himself. he quickly shakes his head, throat dry, but mark just smiles in concern and gets to his feet, ruffling jackson's hair. "come on."  
  
jackson stumbles to his feet too and mutely follows him the few paces to the water cooler outside the boys' bathroom. mark ignores the usual fountain which spews ice water and instead flicks the lever which turns on the hot water spout. he places a finger under it gingerly to test the temperature, then looks satisfied.  
  
"it's warm," he says, motioning to jackson to place his mouth underneath the flow. "drink some."  
  
jackson looks doubtfully at the water cooler, but meekly obeys. mark finally looks satisfied after jackson has gulped down a few mouthfuls, taking a few quick swallows himself and wiping his mouth carelessly on the sleeve of his tank.  
  
  
  
jackson is gingerly wiping the moisture from his lips with the cuffs of mark's jacket when mark's soft gasp of surprise makes him turn.  
  
"jia-er, look!" mark whispers in hushed reverence, elbow nudging his. "it's a rainbow."  
  
true enough, when jackson looks up to the distant sky at the horizon, a faint and ghostlike but definitely present rainbow is peeking from behind the clouds, looking like a bridge of watercolours.  
  
jackson frowns, confused. "why is there one? it didn't even rain."  
  
mark laughs and raps his head with a light knuckle. "it did, remember? this morning."  
  
jackson furrows his brows and vaguely recalls that there had been a quick and unexpected shower early in the dawn, one of the light summer rains which were gone just as quickly as they came.  
  
they both sink down onto the concrete ledge of the step beneath their feet without discussing it, and mark lets out a sigh of marvelment as they admire the rainbow. jackson bets that mark could tell him everything about rainbows he wants to know in a heartbeat, if he asks.  
  
"you're such a dork," he giggles out loud, and mark spins around defensively.  
  
"what? i didn't even say anything," he protests, but his guilty eyes betray the educational lecture that had been brewing in his throat.

finally, he dissolves into laughter too, unable to fight jackson's irresistible grin. "you know me too well," he grumbles under his breath, but there is no bite in his words.  
  
as a cloud passes momentarily over the rainbow, mark pipes up. "is there anything bothering you?"  
  
"w-what? why?" jackson turns to look at his side profile, perplexed.  
  
mark leans back on his palms, raising his shoulders in a lazy shrug. "just asking. you seemed a little tense today."  
  
so he had noticed. jackson feels his own shoulders crumple into a slouch, his chin dropping to his chest.  
  
"hey, what is it?" mark's arm comes up around his hunched shoulders, his hand sliding into the hollow of jackson's left clavicle almost naturally.  
  
"we got our report cards back today," jackson mumbles. "i barely scraped by a passing grade in two subjects."  
  
mark takes this in in stoic silence, arm staying wrapped around jackson's shoulder.  
  
after awhile, he squeezes it, fingers tightening briefly over the stiff muscles in jackson's upper arm.  
  
"it's okay," he says, voice soft as a lullaby. "just work harder the next time. do you... want me to tutor you?"  
  
"... you?" jackson's head snaps up, despondency pushed away temporarily by disbelief.  
  
mark looks offended, hand falling from jackson's shoulder. "you don't think i'm smart enough to teach you?"  
  
"n-no, i just," jackson stammers, flustered. "i always see you copying jaebum's homework..." his voice trails off lamely as hurt creeps into mark's eyes.  
  
"just because i'm lazy doesn't mean i'm stupid," mark tells him, voice even. "i'm in the same class as jaebum, aren't i?"  
  
jackson swallows. "right..."  
  
mark relaxes, eyes softening as his hand winds acquiescingly around jackson's waist again. jackson exhales in relief, not surprised that mark is the kind of person to forgive slights the moment they are over. "i'm barely scraping by passing grades myself," he admits, brow knit, and jackson remembers that this is mark's senior year. "but i'm sure i can cope with the second-year syllabus." there's a teasing note in his voice, and jackson's heart finally lightens a little.  
  
"oh, look, it's back!" mark exclaims, eyes drawn forward again, and jackson's follows his gaze to see that the cloud has moved on and the rainbow is indeed entirely visible again, unobscured and shimmering with seemingly even more brilliance under the gentle illumination of the sun.  
  
"you can lean on me for awhile, if you're tired," mark's voice drifts to him after a few heartbeats, and jackson doesn't dare to turn to look at his expression, the depth of his voice somehow making jackson's heart pound shallowly in his chest.  
  
mark laughs, and jackson feels a hand coming up around the side of his head, callused pads of fingers grazing his ear like feathers, and mark's soft touch gently bringing jackson's head down to rest in the crook of his warm shoulder.  
  
  
  
jaebum turns eighteen in january, and jackson's seventeenth birthday is approaching too. he still dreads change, but it is something that he can't escape. he can sense it imminent on the breeze, the riot of summer blossoms on the sycamore trees of the school courtyard, as brilliant as they are fleeting, the falling leaves littering the ground and dancing over the asphalt at the turn of the seasons. relievingly, with jinyoung and mark and jaebum beside him, he feels a little less afraid, slightly more equipped to deal with it.  
  
with the new year comes saying farewell to the third-year members of the club, whom jackson has grown unobtrusively attached to, and welcoming new freshmen. it seems hardly possible that jackson had once been as young and impressionable as the two first-years who walk into their club one february afternoon, one baby-faced and grinning foolishly, the other sleepy-eyed and shy-smiled.  
  
"hi, everyone!" the shorter boy exclaims cheerfully, in heavily-accented but comprehensible chinese. "nice to meet you. i'm bambam and this is my best friend, youqian. we're astronomy freaks."  
  
youqian blushes, ducking his head under the weight of their scrutiny. he's tall and statuesque in a way that makes jackson draw up to his full height defensively, and looks twice as mature standing next to bambam, but the uncertain light in his eyes betrays his adolescence.  
  
jaebum smiles, proferring a friendly hand and his vice-president smile. "welcome to the club."  
  
bambam pumps his hand warmly and excitedly, and youqian stammers out a bashful hello too.  
  
after awhile, the other members lose interest in the newbies and disperse to their own activities. jackson heads for his usual hangout with jinyoung, at the back of the room near jaebum's now-completed model, but jinyoung tugs at his arm and drags him to another corner of the class. since the end of the first year when jaebum had disregarded jinyoung's leaving to talk to bomi, their relationship had been strained and frosty, only interacting in clipped sentences when they had to.  
  
oddly, jackson had kind of grown used to their push-pull, hot-cold relationship and stopped bothering to try to interfere and make them patch things up. he was pretty certain that like the last couple of times, they would make up soon and forget about their differences.  
  
today, jinyoung resolutely ignores jaebum sitting at the teacher's desk and flipping through documents, and jaebum treats him equally as air. jackson sneaks a peek at mark perching on the teacher's desk, swinging his legs and laughing at something jaebum is saying. jackson wonders wistfully what the joke is. at that moment, mark looks up and catches his gaze. jackson hurriedly shifts his eyes down to his textbook, faking nonchalance.  
  
jinyoung is opening his books with a businesslike air, instructing jackson to take out his biology homework for him to look over. he had taken jackson's grades with more gravity and grimness than jackson himself, swearing that he would personally take over jackson's tutoring till his test scores started looking up.  
  
jackson is sighing in resignation, halfheartedly flipping open his textbook when eager footsteps bound up to them. they look up, wide-eyed, to see bambam's face shining with a megawatt smile, youqian looking slightly sheepish as he loiters a few paces behind him.  
  
"yes?" jackson raises an eyebrow, and if bambam were a puppy, he looked like he would be wagging his tail right now.  
  
"you're jackson and jinyoung- _xuezhang_ , right?" he enthuses.  
  
jinyoung blinks at him. "how do you know our names?"  
  
"i'm in your korean club too!" bambam practically gushes. "didn't you notice me?"  
  
"no," jackson replies flatly, but jinyoung cracks a smile, seeming unable to resist his zeal.  
  
"no wonder you looked kind of familiar."  
  
"your lessons are so fun! you're such a good teacher!" bambam raves enthusiastically. as expected, jinyoung looks flattered and bowled over, blushing with pleasure.  
  
"bootlicker," jackson mutters under his breath, but bambam doesn't have the decency to look embarrassed. jinyoung kicks his leg under the table. _be nice_ , he mouths at jackson, scowling.  
  
"are you in the korean class too?" jinyoung smiles at youqian, including him in the conversation with his usual thoughtful diplomacy. jinyoung can't stand seeing people left out or feeling awkward.  
  
youqian shakes his head, cheeks colouring pink again as they all swing their gazes on him.  
  
bambam says stoutly, "don't worry, _xuezhang_. i'm trying to persuade him to come with me."  
  
jinyoung laughs and smiles kindly at youqian. "you can just drop by for one lesson, to take a look. you don't have to join if it doesn't interest you."  
  
youqian nods, looking relieved.  
  
  
  
bambam swings himself nimbly onto jinyoung's table, chattering in rapidfire chinese like a bullet train, their homework forgotten, and youqian settles down with more restraint onto the chair in front of jackson's. his stoic silence reminds jackson of mark and he looks up to catch mark looking over at them this time, eyes curious and mildly envious as if he wants to be a part of their little group too.  
  
in the course of the afternoon, jackson and jinyoung learn that bambam was born in thailand, but has been living in taiwan since he was barely nine. as he has some chinese relatives in his bloodline, his grasp of the language is pretty fluent but he still can't rid himself of that lingering inability to shape some tricky vowels and pronounce some particularly complex words. by the end of the class, he's going over tongue twisters with jinyoung, the two of them looking like best buddies. jackson feels a pang of jealousy. although jinyoung always calls him his best friend, he has so many other close friends that jackson can't help feeling insecure when he effortlessly makes another one.  
  
youqian doesn't look bothered by bambam's flamboyant gregariousness, studying jaebum's galaxy model with unconcealed interest. "can i take a closer look?" he hesitantly consults jackson for permission, and jackson nods in amusement. "i guess."  
  
youqian looks excited for the first time since he entered the club, his sleepy eyes widening. he approaches the model with awe, running careful fingers over the delicately wrought artwork and fragile structure. "this is so... incredibly detailed," he breathes. "it must've taken ages to build?" he looks questioningly at jackson, but before jackson can open his mouth he hears jinyoung's proud answer: "a year."  
  
youqian nods, looking impressed. "who made it?" he asks both of them, and jinyoung stays silent this time, seeming embarrassed for accidentally talking about jaebum.  
  
but when jackson replies, "jaebum-hyung," he doesn't miss the look jinyoung shoots him and the way he cringes. _interesting_ , jackson thinks, hiding his smirk. although he's not korean, he had naturally adopted the honorific much like the girls in their korean class who called jaebum _oppa_. but before their latest disagreement, jinyoung had told him plainly that he didn't like jackson calling jaebum _hyung_ because it was a term that only he could use. jaebum had laughed when he overheard, looking pleased by jinyoung's possessiveness.  
  
  
  
the next week, they gather loosely in a sort of makeshift clique, comprising the four of them and another new first-year member named tzuyu. she's doll-like and pretty, but amusingly superstitious and obsessed with astrology and horoscopes and star signs. they've never seen her without her deck of tarot cards, eyes dark and serious as she predicts the future. jackson senses that bambam has an ill-disguised crush on her as he gazes at her with moony eyes and sighs, obviously more preoccupied with admiring her beauty and copping a feel than listening to his fortune as she reads his palm.  
  
for kicks and because they're more than a little curious, jackson and jinyoung let her analyze their horoscopes for the month too. tzuyu informs jinyoung cryptically that he is languishing in the love department and jackson catches the glance he shoots jaebum, before he looks despondently down at his lap again. jackson is ready to take her advice with a healthy dose of skepticism but when she predicts "a new chapter of romance" entering his life he can't help whooping in glee. the racket draws mark's eyes towards them, and jackson turns to see his steady, unreadable gaze boring into him.  
  
  
  
on valentine's day, jackson opens his locker to find that his horoscope had been accurate -- a large rabbit-shaped chocolate, wrapped in dark pink foil, lies nestled among his textbooks and files. jackson gasps and takes it out, caressing the smooth foil and grinning moronically.  
  
"who do you think it's from?" jinyoung nudges him, looking thrilled on his behalf. at that moment, a senior from jackson's fencing team, hani, happens to walk past. the smile on her face as her eyes drop to the chocolate in his hand makes jackson's heart skip a beat. can it be...?  
  
"oh my god," jinyoung hisses as she glides gracefully out of earshot. "who's _that_?"  
  
jackson tells him, face aching from his idiotic grin.  
  
"she's hot," jinyoung says emphatically, shaking his head. "what does she see in a loser like you?"  
  
he muffles a yelp of pain as jackson jabs an elbow into his ribs.  
  
  
  
at club that afternoon, jinyoung immediately broadcasts to the rest of the members that jackson had received chocolates, bragging about it as proudly as if he's the recipient. jackson blushes as the guys clap him on his back and the girls giggle and titter, whispering with each other. only tzuyu doesn't seem interested in the gossip, shuffling through her deck of cards in her usual seat. jackson catches sight of bambam trying tirelessly to subtly slip her a big heart-shaped box of ferrero roche and stifles his snort of amusement.  
  
mark wanders over and sits down beside him, smiling mysteriously. "do you know who gave it to you?" he asks, and jackson hesitates before nodding, unable to hide his blush.  
  
mark's eyes widen, and he blinks a few times but quickly recovers. jackson wonders why he's acting strangely, colour blooming on his cheekbones.  
  
"did you get anything?" he asks, and mark looks startled, then slightly disappointed as he shakes his head.  
  
"i should've given you something," jackson blurts out. when mark looks up at him, eyes stricken, he realizes his slip and quickly amends, "i mean, as friends."  
  
mark looks at him, eyes softening. "you didn't have to," he says, that mysterious smile on his lips again. he ruffles jackson's hair, then stands up and walks off.  
  
  
  
nearing the end of the meeting, jackson senses jinyoung staring at jaebum, and follows the direction of his gaze to see jaebum stuffing bite-sized cookies from a tin box into his mouth.  
  
"did you give those to him?" jackson whispers in jinyoung's ear.  
  
jinyoung shakes his head tightly. jackson gulps as jaebum continues tossing the cookies into his mouth and chewing with relish, unaware of jinyoung's accusatory gaze.  
  
after club, they loiter behind. jackson makes some excuse to mark that he has to stay back in school to get some work done and that mark can leave first because he will take the bus home with jinyoung later. relievingly, mark doesn't protest too much and leaves without jackson obligingly, seeming to be eager to get away himself.  
  
jinyoung walks over the to wastepaper basket where they had seen jaebum casually drop the empty tin can on his way out. there is a frilly pink card attached to the top and jackson can almost sense jinyoung's heartbeat quickening as he picks up the can and opens it.  
  
sure enough, it's signed from bomi, and makes clear without a hint of doubt that she's interested in jaebum, in a romantic way. jinyoung crushes the card in his clenched fist, knuckles and face paling.  
  
jackson places a helpless hand on his shoulder. "cheer up," he says lamely. "at least jaebum threw away the card. doesn't that mean something?"  
  
"he ate the cookies," jinyoung growls, looking devastated.  
  
jackson winces. "i'm sure he wouldn't have thrown away the box and card if it was from you," he says meaningfully, and slaps his forehead when jinyoung flees from the class, wailing, "that doesn't mean a thing!"  
  
  
  
a month later, on the 13th of march, jinyoung goes shopping with jackson after school to pick out a white day gift for hani. they had discussed this for a month and finally decided that it would be only the basic form of courtesy to thank her for taking the initiative to express her interest in jackson. jackson wouldn't want any girl to feel embarrassed or rejected by him, much less someone as gorgeous as her.  
  
"what about this?" jinyoung says, studying a red rose at a florist, but jackson cringes at the corniness and drags him to the gift shop instead to pick out a cuddly teddy bear holding a heart.  
  
as they are exiting the shop with his purchase, jinyoung stops dead in his tracks and jackson nearly bumps into him. "what's wr--" he starts, then falters to see jaebum in another shop a distance away, buying chocolates.  
  
"i can't believe this," jinyoung seethes, voice alarmingly low. his hand tightens on the strap of his backpack and he abruptly pivots on his heel, as if unable to stand the sight any longer.  
  
"come on, maybe he's not buying them for her!" jackson pants breathlessly, chasing him out of the shopping mall. "don't jump to conclusions before you find out the truth!"  
  
jinyoung spins on him, eyes flaring in anger and hurt. "she's the one who gave him a valentine's day gift! who else could he be buying them for?" he demands, teeth gritted.  
  
when jackson fails to come up with an answer, he turns on his heel and ditches him by the side of the road to go home alone.  
  
  
  
ironically, the 14th of march falls on another tuesday. although jinyoung's relationship with jaebum had gone through its highs and lows, he had never once again skipped out on attending club meetings and jackson respected him for his responsibility. today, knowing how painful it must be for jinyoung to face jaebum, he vows to be the most loyal best friend in the world, having jinyoung's back till the end of the meeting.  
  
but when they walk into the club room, both of them gasp out loud to see jaebum's left arm in a white bandage, the rest of the members gathered in concern around his usual seat at the teacher's desk.  
  
jackson is perplexed. jaebum had seemed fine just the afternoon before when they saw him at the shopping mall. before he can stop jinyoung, he's already dashing in a blur of motion into the class, pushing through the bodies of the other members right up in front of jaebum.  
  
he grabs jaebum's arm and jaebum flinches, making jinyoung quickly drop his hands, apologizing profusely. "what happened?" he demands urgently in anguish. "you looked fine when we saw you y--" he stops himself before he blurts out the word, and jaebum blinks at him in stupefaction.  
  
"i'm fine!" he laughs shakily, waving his unhurt hand at the other members. "why are you guys overreacting? i just got a small burn, that's all."  
  
"burn?" jinyoung whispers in shock. "how did you burn yourself?"  
  
jaebum looks sheepish, avoiding jinyoung's eyes, but he finally reaches into his back pocket to fish out a clumsily-wrapped package of star-shaped cookies, tied with a fancy pink ribbon.  
  
"i accidentally touched the hot oven while trying to bake these for someone," he says seriously, not specifying who because of the intent looks of the other members, but his eyes bore meaningfully into jinyoung's.  
  
"homemade cookies? jaebum, that's so corny!" one of the senior members screeches, and the rest burst into good-natured teasing laughter, high-fiving each other.  
  
jaebum blushes, but he doesn't drop his gaze from jinyoung, looking deeply into his eyes with utmost gravity. jinyoung seems unable to tear his own gaze away, his cheeks flushed hotly.  
  
jackson rolls his eyes and bites his tongue to resist the urge to snidely say _i told you so_ , but deep down inside he's relieved that jinyoung and jaebum have finally made up at long last.  
  
"wait, what about the chocolates?" he hears jinyoung blurting out as he moves away discreetly to give them privacy.  
  
"... how did you know i bought chocolates?" jaebum's low voice drifts to his ears. "i melted them and put them in. these are chocolate-chip cookies."  
  
"hyung..." jackson hears in that babyish voice again, and resolutely shuts his ears at this point, quickening his footsteps towards the back of the class where mark is sitting in a flood of sunlight, watching the going-ons with a look of bemusement.  
  
he looks up when jackson sits down next to him, gifting him with a warm, welcoming smile. jackson feels his hyperactive pace slowing just by being next to mark, as if mark's languid rhythm influences him and makes him pause to appreciate the little mundane moments.  
  
  
  
but the measure of tranquil peace doesn't last long. soon, jinyoung, buoyed and once again restored to his usual extroverted and bubbly self by his reconciliation with jaebum, is going around the club announcing gleefully to everybody that jackson had given a white day gift to his crush.  
  
he doesn't reveal her name despite how many people pester him to, winking broadly at jackson, but jackson groans, not appreciating his indiscretion.  
  
"you bought a white day gift?" mark chimes up from beside him, raising his eyebrows and looking surprised.  
  
jackson blushes, somehow feeling more embarrassed in front of mark than anybody else.  
  
"y-yeah, i left it in her locker," he mumbles, averting his eyes and studying his hands in his lap.  
  
"... her?" mark repeats after a few awkward, tense beats. there is something about his voice that makes jackson look up, wide-eyed. he is surprised to see mark's face looking pale, all traces of his smile faded. he suddenly looks very absorbed in copying jaebum's homework.  
  
jackson doesn't know what has happened to change the mood so drastically, the air between them suddenly thick enough to be cut with a knife. he watches as mark scribbles vigorously and untidily until his pen runs out of ink, then scratches it viciously across the paper, leaving deep grooves and even tearing a few holes on his worksheet.  
  
he jumps when mark curses, "fuck!" under his breath and wrenches open his pencilbox, grabbing a new one. he slams it closed with a bang that makes a few heads turn and hurls the spoiled pen on the floor. jackson has no idea why mark is so upset about a pen not working but doesn't dare to ask. it's the first time he's heard mark swear besides the morning after the meteor shower when jackson was sick and even then, mark hadn't looked as frightening as he does now.  
  
  
  
in april, after jackson's birthday, a freshman they have never seen before walks into the club room one tuesday. he has shyly smiling eyes and a soft dulcet voice, and they all exchange puzzled glances because registrations for club membership are over. however, after he speaks to jaebum for a few minutes, it turns out that he's not here to join the astronomy club but to seek permission to use the old piano in this classroom.  
  
"there's a piano here?" jackson gapes. jinyoung looks equally dumbfounded, but mark goes over to the front corner of the class by the window, beside the blackboard and pulls off the heavy, tasseled cloth draped over a hulking rectangular structure. since it had been there as far back as they could remember, jackson and jinyoung had never bothered to wonder what it hid. a few of the other third-year members also nod in agreement when bambam gasps, "i had no idea there was a piano under there!"  
  
but the way the boy's eyes light up at the dusty old wooden piano, you'd have thought it was a steinway grand. he takes tentative steps towards it, running his fingers over the mahogany top dappled with sunlight and lifting the lid with respect. the ivory keys gleam dully under the afternoon sun, scattered dust motes displaced by the movement illuminated by the light pouring through the windows.  
  
"may i?" he enquires hushedly, turning to jaebum, who nods quietly in assent. the boy smiles in soundless delight, and settles down on the seat, placing his fingers delicately on the keys.  
  
the ensuing music that rings out through the room, first rustily and slightly out of tune, then finding its melody, makes jackson and the other members swivel their heads around in bafflement to check if there's a radio somewhere. it's simply unbelievable that such pure, haunting and pristine music could come from this humble-looking, unassuming boy and his flying fingers.  
  
when he finishes playing, jackson is not the only one who applauds. in fact, he doesn't think there's anyone who doesn't automatically do so in a daze.  
  
the boy blushes, ducking his head in embarrassment. "could i maybe... come here once a week to practice?" he asks jaebum timidly. "i'm in the music club, but there's only one piano in the studio and the other pianist jin always hogs it. i can't say anything because she's a girl, but..." he looks chagrined as he says her name, and there's obviously some competitive history between them.  
  
jaebum looks apprehensive as he considers it. "i don't know if that's a good idea. it may be distracting for the members..."  
  
but jinyoung quickly overrides him. "of course you can! it'll be a waste of a perfectly good piano if no one uses it anyway." he beams sunnily at the boy, who looks torn between excitement and gratefulness and fear that jaebum will put his foot down.  
  
but predictably, jaebum can't say no to jinyoung. he sighs. "i guess it's alright. but we're only allowed to use this room every tuesday, so on the other days we're not in charge."  
  
"that's fine! that's more than enough! thank you so much," the boy gushes, looking overjoyed, and jaebum finally cracks a smile at his earnest gratitude too.  
  
"what's your name?" jackson hears a soft voice pipe up behind him, and turns in surprise to see youqian looking equally taken aback by his own question.  
  
the boy's eyes find youqian's, and he smiles serenely. "i'm rongzai. nice to meet you."  
  
  
  
and so rongzai is added to their club as a kind of honourary member, arriving every tuesday not to talk stars with them but provide the background music as they do. gradually, they grow used to seeing his slim body hunched over the piano in concentration, fingers picking out some exquisite melody that sounds too delicate to be created by bumbling human hands. rongzai's favourite artists to play are beethoven and mozart, and jackson thinks that their romantic odes and preludes are a fitting backdrop to their dreamy and ethereal discussions about the solar system.  
  
among all the members, youqian seems to be particularly interested in his playing. "he likes music," bambam confides to them in a loud whisper, before he bounds off to bother tzuyu again. jackson and jinyoung laugh as they watch youqian with his chin propped on the back of his hands and his hands folded over the piano top, gazing dreamily at rongzai who is too absorbed in his playing to meet his eyes but occasionally looks up and sends him a distracted smile.  
  
soon, youqian has been invited to sit beside rongzai, rongzai's tapered fingers gentle over his as he guides youqian's clumsy ones over the keys, playing a c major scale. youqian looks flushed with truimph when he finally manages to get it right. he's a remarkably quick learner and it's barely weeks before they are playing simple duets together, rongzai smiling encouragingly and helpfully waiting for youqian as he painstakingly finds the notes to complete their conjoined melody.  
  
it turned out to be a good decision to let rongzai use the piano, jaebum admits. his playing elevates their club meetings to another level, giving them a classy, musical and light-hearted feeling instead of the usual dreary hum of monotonous conversation and after-school sounds. music is always a mood-lifter and rongzai's is definitely the best quality they could ask for. since he started teaching youqian, rongzai has also gradually seemed to lighten up, branching out from his usual classical pieces to more upbeat modern songs and cafe jazz, which gives their tuesday afternoons a pleasantly cozy atmosphere.  
  
  
  
although jackson is allowed individual practice time for his fencing club activities, he can't ignore the fact that fencing is very much a team sport. on the rare occasions that he joins the rest of the members at the bigger, more well-facilitated dojo, he usually pairs up with hani as a sparring partner because her moves are swift, sharp and unflinching and her form is impressively athletic and lithe for a girl's. jackson doesn't feel the need to show mercy or be a gentleman because she's as equally competive and skilled an opponent as him.  
  
one afternoon after he has exchanged a breathless "good game" hand clasp with hani and is taking off his mask, he sees a familiar shadow, made long by the afternoon angle of the sun and ventures the few steps out of the dojo to see mark leaning against the wall, hands thrust in his pockets and looking mildly uneasy in the unfamiliar surroundings.  
  
"what are you doing here?" jackson gasps. he wasn't surprised when mark dropped by during his individual practices, but he had never come during group ones before.  
  
"is that her?" mark asks instead, disregarding his question.  
  
jackson is confused. "who?"  
  
mark tilts his chin subtly towards hani, who is laughing with a few of the other girls from the club a distance away. "the one you like?"  
  
"what? _no_ ," jackson hisses vehemently, blushing furiously as he takes mark's arm in a firm grip and escorts them out of the other members' earshot. it will be awkward to explain if any of them hears considering that jackson and hani's relationship had never progressed beyond friends since white day. she had never brought up the teddy bear to him and he was confused about what this meant but not thick-headed enough not to realize that she probably didn't want to start a romantic relationship right now.  
  
anyway, jackson wasn't so sure that he had a crush on her anymore. he respected her as an outstanding fencer, admired her ability in sports, appreciated her aesthetically, that was true. but she didn't make his heart beat quickly the way...  
  
"afraid she'll hear?" mark interrupts, the bitterness in his voice startling jackson.  
  
his hands are clammy as he lets go of mark's arm outside the dojo. "i'm kind of busy now. maybe you should go first."  
  
mark looks at him, injured, and jackson belatedly hears the callousness in his words.  
  
he opens his mouth to say something, apologize maybe, but mark just says, "okay," shrugging and pushing his back off the wall. he leaves without a backward glance like jackson had asked him to but jackson doesn't know why his chest feels inexplicably hollow.  
  
  
  
midway through the year, jinyoung springs an unexpected surprise on jackson.  
  
"where are we going?" jackson yowls as he trips down the corridor after jinyoung who is dragging him along impatiently. "we're late for homeroom!"  
  
"this," jinyoung says, turning around with a smug glint in his eyes, "is officially a kidnapping."  
  
"what?!" jackson's screech is cut off as a hand clamps over his mouth from the back, strong arms wrapping firmly around his body. he struggles for a few moments, before he is enveloped by a strikingly familiar scent, his senses dulled and confused.  
  
"yi-en?" he whispers tentatively, and his suspicions are confirmed by that inimitable squeaky laugh. jackson is overwhelmingly confused but he stops struggling, knowing that mark would never do anything to hurt him.  
  
he obediently trails at their heels, noticing that mark's book bag is slung over his shoulder and jinyoung is carrying both his backpack and jackson's bag too. they cut across the school courtyard, moving rapidly and ducking beneath the carpark barrier. he hears them finally heave a sigh of relief that they had escaped undetected when they breach the school gates.  
  
he also hears something that sounds like bambam's giggle, and whirls around to see him, youqian and rongzai looking flushed like kids caught stealing cookies and jaebum looking like their stern father as he stands behind them. all of them are carrying their bags. apparently jackson is the only one who was kept in the dark.  
  
"you guys...?!" jackson muffles his gasp.  
  
"we're playing hooky!" bambam informs him importantly in a stage-whisper, bouncing on the balls of his feet. he looks like it's the best day of his life, which, considering how pathetic his existence is, probably is true. bambam stomps hard on his foot when jackson tells him this and he lets loose a few profanities in an angry whisper.  
  
mark shakes his head and laughs at their antics, and jackson forgets about tormenting bambam for a moment. he's relieved that the awkward tension that had developed between them since he had blown mark off outside the fencing dojo seems to have ebbed away.  
  
"jaebum and mark-hyung have been really stressed about studying for their college entrance examinations lately, so i planned something to lift their spirits," jinyoung explains as they troop down the sidewalk, trying not to look like delinquents playing truant.  
  
"why didn't you tell me?" jackson demands indignantly. "i would've gone along with it."  
  
jinyoung just laughs. "we weren't sure if you'd be willing. have you ever played hooky before?"  
  
jackson gapes at him and huffs. "well, no, but..."  
  
jinyoung shrugs playfully and raises his hands in a _there you are_ gesture. jackson can't believe that jinyoung is patronizing him like this.  
  
"don't worry, we'll get back in time for physics," jinyoung raises his voice on this sentence, and jackson bats his arm, outraged. is jinyoung determined not to stop before he ruins jackson's reputation today? bambam is the first to titter obligingly and youqian and rongzai quickly hide their laughs behind coughs. mark looks over, raising a bemused eyebrow.  
  
  
  
as jinyoung promised, they don't travel far, the sheer effort of cutting school during lessons seeming to have already drained them. besides, they might rouse suspicious looks if they walked around in the city in their uniforms in broad daylight. instead, jaebum leads the way through a shortcut along the road to a deserted field with two abandoned goalposts, weeds growing high. it looks like an old and unused soccer field.  
  
"i used to come here and play soccer alone during junior high, when i wanted to relieve stress," he explains.  
  
"i know," jinyoung blurts out thoughtlessly, and jaebum gives him a weird look. "how --"  
  
jackson clears his throat loudly, cutting him off. he hears jinyoung heave a sigh of anxious relief beside him and rolls his eyes at his carelessness. "where's the ball, though?" jackson quickly demands.  
  
jaebum is successfully distracted, putting down his backpack and unzipping it. from inside he takes out a flaccid and grimy but otherwise sturdy black and white soccer ball and an air pump. mark crouches down beside him to help him inflate the ball.  
  
"but how do we form teams?" bambam chimes in. "we're an uneven number."  
  
jackson hears himself saying, "i'll sit the first match out."  
  
they all turn to look at him with wide eyes, seeming as surprised as he feels. jackson never expected he would be the one to sit out any game, or take initiative to be considerate towards others. but maybe... mark looks at him, and his smile is quietly proud and unsurprised. like he knew all along that jackson was that kind of person.  
  
  
  
they play rock paper scissors to decide the leaders, which turn out to be jaebum and mark. jaebum recruits jinyoung and youqian to his team, intelligently judging that his long legs will be useful. mark picks bambam because he keeps pestering him and rongzai, who will later turn out to be a hidden ace and make all their jaws drop as he zigzags around the field like a dynamo, weaving between their defenses and scoring goals with effortless precision.  
  
"why didn't you mention that you played junior league soccer back in your hometown?!" jinyoung trills again as they lie back in the grass, trying to catch their breath and tipping the last drops of water from their drained bottles into their mouths.  
  
rongzai blushes, rubbing the back of his neck. "i forgot," he mumbles with his usual humility and aversion to attention.  
  
jackson feels the light touch of a callused finger, and turns to find mark lying next to him, tracing the shape of a star into his palm. he looks at jackson significantly, then moves his eyes up to the sheer lapis lazuli of the sky, and jackson knows what he is thinking wordlessly. _do you know that they're still up there, even though we can't see them?_  
  
he thinks of the four of them -- no, the _seven_ of them, because somewhere along the way, bambam, youqian and rongzai have embedded themselves as deeply in their group of friends as jinyoung, mark and jaebum -- like solitary satellites travelling through the boundless night sky, in their own lonely orbits. but somehow, the unpredictable winds of fate had led their individual trajectories to intersect, miraculously, at the exact same time.  
  
they would only be together for a maximum of one year. after that, mark and jaebum will be graduating, and they would all go their separate ways. like comets in a supernova explosion, only meeting and colliding for a brief and fleeting and yet devastating instant.  
  
jackson thinks of eternity and relativity and how sometimes light years can seem like just an instant. a heartbeat, really.  
  
mark is smiling sideways at him, that achingly caring smile, and jackson digs his fingernails into his palm and grips the invisible star tighter.  
  
  
  
"hey, jackson. you're going home with mark, right?" jaebum's voice stops him on his way out of astronomy club. jinyoung peers questioningly at jackson from his perch on jaebum's table.  
  
jackson nods, startled. mark had told him to go ahead to wait at his bicycle first because he had to run to the opposite building to get something from his locker.  
  
jaebum beckons him over. "he left his ipod behind. can you pass it to him?"  
  
jackson doubles back to take it, leaving the two of them to enjoy their quiet alone time they always linger over after club meetings.

as he ambles down the corridor at a leisurely pace, jackson fingers mark's ipod absently. it's his trusty old music player and jackson can tell from how worn out the grooves of the metal are that it is well-used and treasured.  
  
bored, he lifts it up and unlocks the screen, intending to scroll through mark's playlist to see if there are any new songs he downloaded lately. it's not like he wants to pry -- if it were mark's phone, he definitely would respect his privacy. but to say that jackson is stunned when he sees mark's wallpaper is an understatement.  
  
because the wallpaper of mark's ipod is the selca they had taken the second day they met, at the bus stop -- mark's silver hair and his small face in the background, dwarved by jackson's goofy grin at the front.  
  
jackson swallows hard, a lump in his throat.  
  
  
  
when mark comes dashing up, panting with his hands on his knees, out of breath, he stops short when he sees the ipod in jackson's hand.  
  
"why do you have my...?" jackson notices how his face pales just a shade, a bead of sweat running down his temple. his eyes search jackson's face closely and jackson tries to keep his expression inscrutable.  
  
"you forgot it at the club. jaebum asked me to pass it to you," he says calmly.  
  
"oh." mark's shoulders seem to sag in relief as he finds no signs of anything amiss in jackson's blank expression. he reaches over to take it, and jackson slips it into his hand, their fingertips grazing. mark quickly draws his hand back and shoves the ipod into his pocket, then clambers onto his bicycle, waiting for jackson to get on.  
  
jackson places a deliberate hand on mark's shoulder, applying pressure with his fingertips. he feels how the muscles of mark's shoulderblades tense up underneath his touch, knotting tightly.  
  
"why is your wallpaper our picture?" the words spill from his lips, unable to be held back. jackson has never been good at keeping the things he wants to say pressed beneath his tongue, and he inwardly curses this trait now.  
  
mark turns around slowly, eyes darkening with something like dread.  
  
"you looked at my ipod?"  
  
jackson tries not to flinch at the sharpness of his voice. by now, he regrets asking an awkward question and wishes he had just kept his mouth shut.  
  
"i'm sorry," he mumbles. "i didn't know it was private..."  
  
he attempts to sweep the issue under the rug, raising his leg to clamber on behind mark, but mark is still staring straight at him unsmilingly with that irritated look, like jackson has invaded his privacy.  
  
"it doesn't mean anything," he says, not letting jackson end the conversation. "i just accidentally set it as that and didn't know how to change it to something else."  
  
"accidentally?" jackson echoes, his stomach sinking strangely. "oh... i see."  
  
"yeah," mark replies shortly, turning back to face the front. he doesn't turn around again to look at jackson as he says, voice impassive, "get on."  
  
  
  
after the incident, something unidentifiable seems to change between them. there is no longer the easy camaraderie, the effortless naturalness. overnight, jackson has become hyperaware of mark's every movement whenever they're within a radius of one kilometre. he finds himself thinking of mark at odd and inexplicable hours of the day, his name just floating up to the surface of jackson's mind, disturbing the other thoughts: _yi-en. yi-en. yi-en_.  
  
jackson doesn't know what's happening to him. he doesn't know why mark makes him so damn _nervous_ , how he has managed to get under jackson's skin. for the first time, he resents mark for making him feel so out of control, so panicked and powerless just because of one stupid accidental mistake. in all of his seventeen years, nobody -- nobody in the world -- has ever managed to shake jackson up like this before. it's kind of terrifying and god knows jackson is a flight risk if there ever was one.  
  
so jackson does the only thing he can think of: he starts avoiding mark. he doesn't make it obvious by skipping club, because that would ring the alarm bells in all their friends' heads and make them poke their noses into the situation, but jackson studiedly keeps out of mark's way whenever they're in the same room, pretending to be busy and absorbed in whatever he's doing or whoever he's talking to.  
  
he makes sure he always has an escape route, a lifebuoy in the form of a friend standing nearby he can pretend to be deeply in conversation with or a textbook to bury himself in.  
  
to be fair, it helps that mark seems to be going out of his way to avoid jackson too. jackson doesn't puzzle too much about it because when he does, a sharp, breathtaking pang of pain jabs in the general area of his chest.  
  
so they go on for a few agonizing weeks, avoiding each other while trying to hide the increasing awkwardness from their friends.  
  
  
  
jackson thinks that he is being pretty good at this stealth thing. so when jinyoung bluntly asks him one tuesday, "what's up with you and mark?" jackson nearly chokes on the carton of banana milk he is sipping.  
  
"wait, you can tell?" he coughs, struggling to catch the breath stuck in his throat.  
  
jinyoung rolls his eyes. "you might be able to hide it from others, but i'm your best friend, jackson-ah. what gives?" jinyoung looks hurt that jackson hadn't confided his problems in him, and jackson hurriedly starts to reassure him.  
  
at this moment, he senses mark approaching from somewhere behind him. not sees -- he actually _senses_ it. this is what jackson means by the crazy fact that he seems to have developed a mark radar, the way an antenna detects signals and a radio detects stations. the hairs on his arm stand up and a tingle runs down his spine. he immediately turns desperate eyes on jinyoung, who looks at him pityingly. jackson tries to sound unflappably calm and laidback, without a care in the world as he changes the subject and starts rambling about something inane to jinyoung, pretending not to notice or hear mark's footsteps are nearing at all.  
  
"hey, mark-hyung," jinyoung raises a careless hand, sound much more casual than jackson could ever manage to in five lifetimes. his voice turns strangled as he continues resolutely talking at jinyoung and ignoring mark stubbornly.  
  
mark is saying something, but it is only until he taps jackson gingerly on the shoulder, as if jackson is fire and he's afraid to be scalded, that jackson realizes it's his name.  
  
"jia-er," mark is saying, looking bewildered and trying to keep the flicker of hurt out of his eyes at jackson's rudeness.  
  
the flow of jackson's words halts abruptly, midsentence. jinyoung looks at him incredulously. "y-yes?" jackson stammers, his face flaming.  
  
jinyoung turns to go, and jackson clutches at his hand in a death grip. he shakes off jackson's grasp and gives him a look. jackson shoots him a drowning glare but jinyoung doesn't look back as he mercilessly walks away. behind his calm exterior, jackson is mentally scolding him all the swear words he knows in chinese and english _and_ korean.  
  
he is left alone with mark, both of them staring at the floor as if there's something fascinating written there.  
  
mark clears his throat. "i..." he reaches into his pocket and digs out two crumpled squares of paper. "jaebum bought two tickets to the planetarium but jinyoung wasn't free. he gave them to me. do you..."  
  
"... do i what?" jackson prompts, when mark doesn't seem to be able to continue.  
  
mark's throat works as he swallows hard, forcing the remainder of his sentence out. "do you want to go with me?" he says in a near whisper.  
  
when jackson musters the courage to look up and meet mark's eyes, it's the plea in them that breaks him. mark looks like jackson has already rejected him, disappointment scrawled plainly across his eyes. jackson feels a physical ache at the desolation on mark's face.

on impulse, he says, "sure."  
  
the moment the word is out of his mouth, he closes his eyes in abject regret and panic. what the hell is he thinking? he has been avoiding mark for nearly a month and now, what is he doing agreeing to spending an hour, maybe more alone with him?  
  
jackson feels like an insane wreck, but when he opens his eyes, mark is staring at him, lips parted slightly in surprise, relief shining from his flushed face and genuine happiness in his eyes. he looks ridiculously like jackson has just singlehandedly made his entire day just by agreeing to go to the planetarium with him.  
  
and just for that look on his face, the foolish thought pops up into jackson's mind that everything is worth it.  
  
  
  
that night, it is with an inseparable mixture of consternation, dread and excitement that jackson makes his way to the entrance of the planetarium where they have arranged to meet. he is decked out in a long-sleeved shirt and a thick cashmere sweater over it. mark had warned him to dress warmly and jackson wanted to prevent any awkward moments if he started shivering and mark would feel obligated to offer him his jacket again.  
  
autumn is deepening and his breath fogs up diaphanous clouds in the chilly night air as he exhales and looks around him for a familiar slight figure rushing up with light footfalls. when his pricked-up ears picks up their approach from behind, he carefully schools his face into a nonchalant, bored expression and is prepared to face mark with a deep bracing breath.  
  
but what he's not prepared for is seeing mark, hair adorably disheveled in a beanie, looking handsome and casually breathtaking in street clothes, face flushed red by with exertion and eyes bright with adrenaline. he's holding out a paper cup emitting clouds of warm steam and a deliciously chocolatey fragrance, and jackson can't resist inhaling appreciatively.  
  
mark laughs and hands him the cup gently. "it's hot chocolate. careful not to burn yourself."  
  
jackson wants to yell at mark, to tell him never to use the word _careful_ to jackson again because it makes him misunderstand and so painfully confused. why does mark care whether he's careful or not? jackson wants to be careless, reckless just so that he can tell mark and his gentle admonitions and misleading caring voice to go screw themselves.  
  
but instead, he just bites his tongue and take a sip of the drink. it's satisfyingly hot, sliding down his throat and warming his chest up, and cloyingly sweet, just the way he likes his chocolate.  
  
"didn't you buy one for yourself?" he asks mark as he shoves his hands into his pockets and they set off at an easy pace towards the entrance of the planetarium.  
  
mark doesn't glance at him, but his ears turn red, the same way they had on the first day jackson had met him at the school gates. it's weirdly adorable.  
  
"i figured... we could share, but if you don't want to, it's okay..."  
  
his words dredge up jackson's memory of the afternoon last year he had offered jackson ice cream but jackson had declined because it felt too intimate. now, he swallows, but passes the cup to mark after a beat, licking his lips.  
  
mark looks up, looking pleased and surprise. without any hint of squeamishness, he takes the cup from jackson and places his lips exactly where jackson's were just a minute ago, throat working gracefully as he swallows. jackson stares, stomach churning as mark licks his own lips.  
  
  
  
mark hands their tickets to the guard at the entrance, and pushes the ticket stubs he receives back into his pocket. jackson bites back the urge to ask if he can keep his. mark tosses the empty cup into a bin they pass, not stopping his purposeful strides as he leads jackson through the maze of the dimly lit planetarium, up more than ten stories in an elevator with authority. he seems to have been here before.  
  
"where are we going?" jackson enquires curiously, casting longing glances at the various exhibits they pass and wanting to stop but mark doesn't slow his steps.  
  
"just follow me," he throws over his shoulder, smile like a promise and eyes bright with impatience as if he wants to show jackson something exciting.  
  
when mark finally stops outside a dark, nondescript door, jackson is confused. all the sign tacked to the outside reads is _viewing room fourteen_ but mark pushes it open easily, seeming to know it's not locked.  
  
jackson steps in, his eyes adjusting to the dark to see that it's just a normal room, plushly carpeted and sparely furnished with a couple of beanbag chairs and a huge, obviously top-of-the-range professional telescope at the floor-length window taking up one wall. then he notices the ceiling and gasps.  
  
because there's no ceiling -- only open sky. or so it looks. the ceiling is an entirely transparent layer, glass so crystal clear that it's almost invisible to the naked eye. up here, the sky looks impossibly close, as if they are lying on a cloud and gazing at it up close.  
  
"neat, isn't it?" mark breathes a laugh, seeming pleased by jackson's impressed awe, and jackson is so overwhelmed he doesn't even bother to tease mark about using the word _neat_.  
  
god, mark is the hugest dork jackson has ever met -- but why is he so... so ridiculously cool? jackson feels like the ground is falling out from under his feet, dizzy and dazed.  
  
"is this... some sort of private room?" he flounders, looking around curiously, and mark laughs sheepishly. he nods. "jaebum comes here to work part-time during summer vacation, so they give him access to this room whenever he wants."  
  
  
  
after that, mark suggests that they don't waste any more time and start stargazing, so they drag one of the beanbag chairs to the center of the room and recline on their backs on the plush carpet, their heads touching and bangs catching together with static whenever they turn to face each other. mark traces the constellations with his fingertips and jackson watches his elegant fingers describing the w of cassieopeia, losing himself in the depth of mark's gravelly voice.  
  
"do you know what my second favourite chinese word is?" mark asks quietly after a few moments of silence.  
  
jackson shakes his head, touching mark's again.  
  
out of the corner of his eye, he sees mark's lips stretch into a dreamy smile.  
  
"it's _yŭzhōu_."  
  
"universe?" jackson translates in english.  
  
mark nods. "i just think it sounds so pretty. it used to be my favourite."  
  
jackson opens his mouth to rejoin, but mark interrupts him.  
  
"do you have any idea... how far two stars have to travel, just to reach each other?"  
  
jackson is suddenly, subliminally aware that there might be two conversations happening here, alongside each other; one literal, the other unspoken.  
  
"i --" he starts, not knowing how to say the fragile next words that he senses will change everything.  
  
instead, he whispers, turning on his side to face mark, "what's your favourite chinese word now?"  
  
mark turns to face him too so they are lying on their sides, staring straight at each other. his smile is tranquil and his eyes are breathtakingly dark.  
  
"jia-er," he breathes, in answer, in question, and then his lips are on jackson's, hungry and hot.


	4. Chapter 4

when mark breaks away, jackson feels like he has stepped into a whole new world. in the span of a minute, he has crossed the threshold from one to another, and found himself in a totally and completely different universe.  
  
a minute ago, mark and jackson were just harmless, platonic friends, bros (even if jackson was unnaturally nervous with him, his palms unnaturally sweaty). jackson had even thought of mark as one of his best friends, and this makes him feel gullible and slightly betrayed. but within a minute, mark had changed everything -- turned jackson's world upside down -- just by kissing him.  
  
a minute ago, jackson had never been kissed.  
  
  
  
he had never known what the sensation of another person's lips pressed against his own, their face a centimetre away and their breath warm on his skin felt like. although he had imagined it a healthy amount of times, the reality was far weirder, wetter, hotter and more awkward than his imagination.  
  
and now, jackson knows with a sinking dread, they can never go back. they can never be just friends again, comfortable, same-gender buddies. because of mark's stupid and senseless action, the only path they can take is forward now, and what jackson sees ahead of him is blind darkness, agonizing and terrifying. no matter what, the only thing jackson knows with cold certainty is that they can never go back to the old yi-en and jia-er again.  
  
a minute ago, he had thought he knew everything mark was thinking. he had thought that he was on an innocent, fun trip to the planetarium with his good friend. but now, as jackson forces himself to look into mark's wild, stark eyes, their heavy breathing overlapping and filling the air between them, he realizes that he has no idea what mark is thinking at all.  
  
strangely, this betrayal is what hurts the most, the straw that breaks the camel's back.  
  
  
  
jackson feels blindsided. shell-shocked and numb. he doesn't feel like those cliche romantic heroines in mangas or on tv dramas who are overjoyed when someone attacks them in a kiss. it's only now that jackson realizes how unrealistic that reaction is, because there is nothing romantic or delightful about suddenly -- out of the blue, like a bolt of lightning -- being kissed by someone who is not your lover. it's rude, invasive and frightening, a complete violation. he is shaken to his core to find out that mark is not the person jackson has always thought he was.  
  
but then... as the initial rude shock fades away, jackson abruptly realizes that his heart is doing a series of somersaults rivalling an acrobatic routine in his chest, his stomach twisted in knots and his face burning like it's been set on fire. his breathing is amplified in his ears and he can't tell if that humiliatingly loud, out-of-control, filthy-sounding panting is coming from him or mark, whose eyes are still tight and dark with panic, glazed over and slightly unfocused, whose face is blotched with crimson, whose hands are shaking visibly, his fingers trembling violently until he grabs them tightly with his other hand.  
  
he realizes that the scalding sensation of mark's lips is still branded vividly on his own, like a hot poker.  
  
it comes as scant relief to realize that the perverse-sounding breathing noise is coming equally from both of them.  
  
jackson's head is spinning, his mind racing to impose some sense and order on the chaos. he finds himself thinking like a mentally-impaired person or a two-year-old kid, replaying the sequence of events that has just taken place in simple, salient points to himself.  
  
mark had said that his favourite chinese word was jackson's name.  
  
and then he had kissed him.  
  
why would he do that?  
  
the only possible reason, jackson concludes, could be that mark likes him. as more than a friend. as a... jesus christ, mark is romantically attracted to him.  
  
at this point, jackson's mind short-circuits, as if a fuse has been blown. how... how is this possible? they're both guys. jackson isn't a girl. neither is mark. not that, even if he were one, jackson would see him in that way. well, maybe.  
  
sure, their best friends, jinyoung and jaebum, are in a gay relationship. but that doesn't mean that they should be attracted to each other too. the two matters are not related at all.  
  
most of all, what he can't wrap his mind around is that it's _mark_ \-- mark who jackson hasn't ever thought of as anybody other than yi-en. yi-en, his friend, confidante, respected older brother, the person jackson feels the happiest and smiles and laughs the most with. he hasn't ever really quantified their relationship because there's been no need to. since they met, mark has just been _there_ , in the space beside jackson, quietly and steadfastly keeping him company.  
  
but for some reason he can't put his finger on, jackson feels the surprise ebb into a faint twinge of realization, like some things clicking into place at the back of his mind. what things, jackson doesn't know. he only knows for sure that mark has never expressed any non-platonic interest in him, explicitly or implicitly. he has never said anything like, _i like you, even though we're both guys_.  
  
although, when jackson thinks about this, he can't imagine mark ever saying something like that. but then again, he could never in a million lifetimes have imagined what mark just did, so he doesn't trust himself.  
  
could jackson have sensed it, somehow in his subconsciousness? could he have intuited, somewhere deep inside the unknowable labyrinthes of his heart, that mark had feelings for him?  
  
jackson's stomach lurches. these are the thoughts that flit through his mind like a flock of released moths in the ensuing minutes following the kiss.  
  
  
  
when jackson finally plucks up every single eon of courage he possesses to look mark in the eye, the little measure of composure he has managed to recover is instantly scattered again. because mark looks terrified shitless, fear and regret and silent contrition scrawled across his wide eyes with painful clarity. he looks like a man staring down a bottomless abyss and preparing to leap. he looks, for the first time jackson has ever seen him, desperately on the edge of tears.  
  
involuntarily, jackson's eyes flicker down to mark's lips -- the lips that had been touching his just a few moments ago. their usual plushness is slightly swollen, moist and slick, reddened. beneath his gaze, mark's tongue slips out unconsciously to run over his lips, and jackson is shaken by a sudden stir in the pit of his stomach, an awakening or a heat slowly pooling above his groin. he clenches his fists and tears his eyes away forcefully, more bewildered than ever.  
  
there is something pleading, devastating in mark's eyes that makes jackson break the excruciatingly awkward silence.  
  
"why... why did you... do that?" forcing the words out of his dry throat feels like regurgitating glass.  
  
the pause before mark replies seems like a breath held for an eternity.  
  
then jackson breathes again as mark whispers in anguish, "i'm sorry."  
  
jackson exhales in anger and hopeless panic as he senses mark withdrawing into himself again, hiding his fear and terror behind invisible barriers.  
  
"i don't want you to say sorry," he blurts out brusquely, trying to sound gentle. "i want to know why you kissed me."  
  
mark flinches physically at the last two words, as if his denial is affected by jackson throwing them into the cold hard open. jackson feels his voice growing louder, more brittle, losing control and handling his panic in a completely different way from mark.  
  
with an effort, he consciously softens his voice, not wanting to scare mark into retreating behind his defenses and locking his true feelings up. but still, he can't disguise the urgency, vulnerability and powerlessness in his voice as he pleads, "please tell me."  
  
mark's eyes soften as jackson's voice breaks on the last word, but he gasps as jackson almost unconsciously reaches for his hand imploringly. jackson tightens his grip over mark's fingers, which are clammy and slick.  
  
"i..." mark starts, then falters, seemingly unable to find the words to explain his actions logically. jackson feels a violent surge of emotion at mark's irresponsibility, how he can't even bother to find even a lame excuse to justify changing jackson's life forever. does he think that this is something he can sweep under the rug, forget about by the next day, the next minute?  
  
maybe... is this something that is merely trifling to him, as unimportant as it is earth-shaking to jackson?  
  
jackson feels his stomach twisting with anger, his chest clenching with humiliation. he feels stupid and naive and gullible, being so unsophisticated as to make a big deal over a kiss. maybe mark kisses all his friends like this. at this thought, his hands tighten over mark's so painfully that it draws a surprised gasp of pain from mark's lips.  
  
"you what?" jackson snaps, and realizes the moment the words are out that they are the wrong ones. if anything, the panic in mark's eyes intensifies at jackson's brutal tone, his eyes glazing over like shutters. he starts stammering, unable to form a single intelligible word. he's so pathetically terrified, paralyzed with fear, that jackson would've taken pity on him. if he weren't feeling the exact same way.  
  
  
  
he doesn't feel the prickle behind his eyelids, the hot tears pooling and blurring his vision, spilling over and dampening his cheeks until mark's eyes widen and his face swims into a relieving kaleidoscopic blur.  
  
"why are you crying? god, jia-er, i'm sorry, i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have done that --" now, mark is blabbering incoherently, his hands slipping from jackson's slackened ones to worriedly brush away the tears dripping from his eyes.  
  
jackson has no idea why he's crying. distantly, he feels a pang of shame, but right now, all the overwrought emotions have just clashed together and simmered over, releasing themselves in the form of frustrated tears.  
  
mark's face looks positively frantic when it swims into clarity again, and this time he looks ready to jump through hoops of fire if jackson commands him to. for a brief instant, jackson feels something tug deeply in his heart at how weak mark is to his tears, how soft-hearted and easily manipulated he is by jackson's every action. has always been.  
  
this time, mark doesn't need any prompting from jackson. he takes a deep breath as if bracing himself, face pale, then says shakily, "i kissed you... because i wanted to. i lost control of myself, and i take full responsibility for it. i'm sorry if you hated it that much. i shouldn't have... i'm sorry. can you... forgive me?"  
  
"you... wanted to?" jackson echoes, the flow of tears dried by how stunned he is. "do you..." he chokes out over the huge lump in his throat. "do you... l-like me?"  
  
he blushes violently at the question, unable to believe the bizarreness of the situation, what he is asking mark.  
  
but mark doesn't immediately and unequivocally deny it. in fact, his silence -- flushed cheeks and lowered eyes -- sounds petrifyingly like an admission.  
  
"b-but --" jackson babbles the first thing that comes to his lips. "we're both guys!"  
  
he doesn't realize how prejudiced and narrow-minded it sounds until its out in the open, hovering in the air between them like an elephant in the room. but thankfully, mark doesn't take offense, seeming to understand his muddled feelings as he replies, voice low and pained, "i know. that's why i didn't want to..."  
  
"you didn't want to tell me?" the words bubble from jackson's lips, with a surge of anger. "you wanted to kiss me, but didn't because we're both guys, and you hid it from me?"  
  
"i --" the sheer torment and helplessness and raw frustration in mark's eyes makes all his bristling anger ebb away.  
  
"i didn't want to make you feel troubled," mark says, lower than a whisper, surprising jackson. he hadn't expected mark to be able to string together a whole, logical sentence.  
  
but mark continues, seeming to have found his voice at last. "i didn't know if you felt the same way."  
  
his words are bitter with regret, reminding jackson of the afternoon he had watched jackson sparring with hani, quietly, arms folded over his chest, standing half-hidden by the sliding door of the dojo. jackson hadn't even noticed his presence until the end of the session. what had mark been thinking, standing there for so long? what were the thoughts that had been running through his mind, knowing that jackson had given hani a gift on white day and being under the impression that jackson had a crush on her?  
  
for the first time, he sees a flicker of the old, familiar mark under this new, frighteningly foreign one -- unsure, passive, excruciatingly shy. maybe it seemed horribly unfair that mark had basically planned to hide his feelings from jackson for the rest of his life.  
  
but maybe it was the only thing he knew how to do.  
  
jackson feels the weight crushing his chest ease a little, understanding and sympathy battling with anger and the still-raw betrayal. he isn't sure what he's mad at mark for -- for having forbidden feelings for jackson, or keeping them a secret? jackson's mind is a hopelessly tangled mess.  
  
the air between them still feels like liquid glass, dense and charged, not letting them forget for a second that things have been changed utterly and irrevocably.  
  
jackson doesn't know what to say. he has the feeling that mark is looking at him expectantly, even though he doesn't say anything or ask jackson for any answers. the seconds tick past and jackson feels like he should say something to address the confession he had pried out of mark tooth and nail -- but he has no idea what.  
  
does mark expect jackson to say that he likes him too? that's impossible. jackson isn't gay. and he's never seen mark as anything more than a friend before today -- in fact, before ten minutes ago when mark's lips were on his, breathless and heavy, moving clumsily against jackson's.  
  
there's nothing jackson can say now to repair the situation. mark knows that jackson doesn't return his feelings. he doesn't expect jackson to. but things hadn't gone according to plan, and he had slipped up and accidentally kissed jackson. jackson had forced the truth out of him.  
  
and now, he knows. he knows that mark likes him and this knowledge is like a vice around his heart, squeezing tightly till jackson can't breathe. the entire situation is a godawful mess and jackson has no idea what to do or say next.  
  
  
  
thankfully, mark seems to sense his conflicted feelings without him voicing them out and takes control of the situation.  
  
"you don't have to say anything," he says softly and calmly, seeming to have returned to his composed self with an effort. "i don't want you to be stressed about it.  
  
"i'm not asking you to forget what i just did, because i know that it's something that can't be undone. but just -- don't think about it for now. okay?"  
  
after a beat of hesitance, jackson nods mutely, not sure what else he can do and feeling relieved and rubber-limbed.  
  
mark continues speaking in that soothing voice, his words washing over jackson and calming him down a degree at last. "what do you want to do now? if you feel uncomfortable, we can leave. i'll take you home immediately."  
  
"no," jackson finds his voice weakly. "jaebum paid good money for the tickets. i don't want to waste them."  
  
mark is silent, his expression blank so jackson can't tell how he feels about staying. but he just nods understandingly.  
  
"all right, then. we'll stay. but i want you to know that i'm very sorry for my inappropriate behavior and that you don't have to worry about it happening again. i promise."  
  
mark says this solemnly, looking as though he's about to raise his hand to scout-swear. jackson's lip twitches unexpectedly. he quickly bites down on it and sets his expression to equal seriousness.  
  
"i'm not worried," he says reassuringly, hoping his words will ease the tension in mark's tight eyes a little. thankfully, mark seems to relax infinitesimally.  
  
  
  
mark gets to his feet, putting more distance between them than has been present for the past half-hour, and jackson feels unaccountably bereft. he watches as mark drags another beanbag chair towards the center of the room, a foot away from jackson's, and lies back on it carefully. he doesn't look over at jackson, instead focusing his gaze on the ceiling above.  
  
"have you heard the legend of the cowherd and the weaver?" he asks abruptly, seeming to want to change the subject and move on from the awkward tension clouding the room.  
  
jackson takes the hint, forcing himself to tear his gaze away but unable to stop the hammering of his heart in his throat as he follows mark's lead and looks up into the vast sky. "no."  
  
he has vaguely heard some idea of it, but it's foggy in his mind and besides he senses that mark wants to tell it to him, his own way.  
  
mark still doesn't look over as he continues, voice distant, "it's about a pair of tragic lovers who were banished to opposite sides of the milky way. but once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh lunar month, a flock of magpies would form a bridge to reunite them for one day."  
  
"the seventh day of the seventh lunar month?" jackson interrupts. "isn't that... today?"  
  
there is a silence in which he can hear mark swallow audibly before he replies quietly, "yeah."  
  
"so according to the lunar calendar... today is the chinese valentine's day...?"  
  
mark seems to struggle to find an answer this time, and jackson belatedly regrets his careless question. the opaque tension is back in the air again, and they both seem unable to dissipate it.  
  
"t-tell me another story!" he hastily blurts out on impulse, at his wit's end. thankfully, mark takes up his suggestion, and quickly launches into another folklore.  
  
"do you know the origin of the mid-autumn festival?  
  
"in the past, ten suns had risen together to the heavens, causing hardship for the people. the archer hou yi shot down nine of them and was given the elixir of immortality as a reward, but he did not consume it as he didn't want to gain immortality without his beloved wife chang'e. however, when he was out hunting, his jealous disciple broke into his house and forced her to give up the elixir to him, but she refused. instead, she drank it and flew upwards towards the heavens, choosing the moon as residence to be nearby her beloved husband. from then on, she lived there alone with no one as her companion except a jade rabbit."  
  
as mark comes to the end of his mellow retelling, jackson inhales softly, struck by the last two words. "jade rabbit?" he repeats, throat dry. "o-on valentine's day, i found a rabbit-shaped chocolate in my locker..."  
  
mark is silent, so silent jackson can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears.  
  
"it was you...?"  
  
when jackson turns his head to look at mark, he's looking at jackson with his head turned too, eyes sad and smile wistful. jackson's traitorous heart does a cartwheel.  
  
"even then?" jackson breathes in hushed disbelief, mind reeling to process this new information. for so long, he had just assumed based on flimsy evidence that the valentine's day gift could have been from no other person than hani. now, this new revelation... it changes everything.  
  
he doesn't expect mark to answer verbally, but mark seems to think he owes jackson honesty. "from the beginning," is all he says, but the three simple words cut jackson to the quick.  
  
"you mean..." he gasps breathlessly, a startlingly vivid image suddenly flashing into his mind, of the first day they met; the curious tinge of red at the tips of mark's ears and how he almost tripped over his bicycle. which might seem normal to others, but to jackson with how well he has come to know him now, is obviously unusual because mark always straddles his bicycle with an agile and nimble grace. _klutzy_ is not an adjective that applies to mark. "... the first day?"  
  
mark breathes a laugh, but it sounds hollow and humourless, causing a pang in jackson's chest.  
  
"you know," he says, not answering the question but changing the topic, "i dyed my hair blonde because of you."  
  
"what?! why?"  
  
"because i wanted to impress you. i wanted you to think i was cool."  
  
jackson's mouth has dropped open, his jaw slack. this is too much information to process all at once. on merely the second day they met, mark had already been so affected by jackson that he had dyed his hair, just to get jackson's attention? jackson finds it hard to believe, but it's exactly what mark is telling him.  
  
"you... you l-liked me from the first day?" he asks again, knowing that mark feels uncomfortable answering but needing to know, craving to hear the answer for reasons he doesn't understand.  
  
mark just looks at him quietly, but something in his eyes makes jackson think of the word _caress_.  
  
his chest contracts. "why? why do you like me?" he demands in genuine confusion. jackson isn't the kind of person to be humble about his good qualities, but he honestly doesn't see anything about himself that would make anyone -- especially mark; mark with his accidental gorgeousness -- fall for him at first sight.  
  
finally, mark relents and gives him his answer. "because the morning of the first day of school, i saw you outside the school gates. your head was tilted up to the sky, and your eyes were closed. cherry blossoms were falling all around you, and i thought you were the most beautiful thing in my life i had ever seen."  
  
jackson inhales sharply. it's the longest sentence mark has strung together tonight, indeed, one of the longest since jackson met him. and without a doubt, the most devastating. more than all the stars in the sky, the centuries-old constellations, the meteor shower: mark -- mark who preferred stars to people -- thought jackson was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen?  
  
for an infinite heartbeat, they are both wordless as he absorbs this. mark's cheekbones are dusted pink, his ears blushing again. his emotions are transparent in a way that makes jackson wonder how he could have been so oblivious until now.  
  
  
  
"why didn't you tell me earlier?" he finds himself asking in a pained whisper, the twinge of pain in his chest surprising him. thinking of how mark must have felt at that time, how rejected, how heartbroken and unrequited, shouldering these weighty feelings alone, makes jackson's own heart feel like it's splintering.  
  
mark breathes a laugh so quiet it sounds like a sigh, filled with a history of emotions jackson can't even begin to separate. "i didn't have an easy time accepting my feelings either, you know," he upbraids jackson, but his gentle voice holds no reproach. "coming to terms with the fact that i liked a boy was the hardest thing i've ever done. but i couldn't lie.  
  
"besides..." mark turns on his side to face jackson fully, the smile lacing his lips now that mysterious one jackson remembers from valentine's day. but upon looking closer, he realizes that the emotion he had mistaken for mystery had in fact been longing.  
  
"i was waiting for you to grow up," mark finishes simply, that light teasing note in his voice again, but this time jackson can hear the fragility behind it.  
  
  
  
they lapse into silence again, jackson not knowing what to say in reply and mark not seeming to mind, his hands clapsed together behind his head as he stares up at the stars flung across the indigo night with murky eyes. the moon is almost full, a yellowish-white disc suspended in the sky, heavy and round, haloed by a faint, ghostly glow.  
  
but the silence is not as stifling as before, and the folktales seem to have relaxed both of them, mark's soothing storytelling voice making jackson feel pleasantly drowsy and less panicked. even though the kiss had taken him by surprise, jackson still feels safer with mark than any other person and knows he will not do anything else without jackson's consent.  
  
the only thing that betrays mark's appearance of calm composure and lets slip a hint of the anxiety he must be feeling is his sudden, uncharacteristic subduedness. sure, it's characteristic for mark to be reserved and reticent in school or around people in general. but the fact that they're in a planetarium, stargazing, and he's not rambling on about some obscure constellation discovered hundreds of years ago but never officially recorded is unheard of.  
  
jackson can dimly guess what he must be thinking, even if he's stubbornly silent -- worrying that he's ruined their friendship with his actions, that he has freaked jackson out or made things awkward. he wants to reassure mark that although he had definitely been shocked initially, he had gotten over it unexpectedly fast after mark had explained his actions; even forgiven him. but jackson can't bring himself to say the words _i don't mind_. it seems like an admission of something, even though he can't figure out what. besides, he's too busy with his own self-absorbed angst, still trying to digest the fact that mark -- _yi-en_ \-- likes him.  
  
so they continue admiring the moon in half-awkward, half-companionable silence. its lonely, celestial light makes jackson think of the moon goddess chang'e exiled to live on the tiny planet alone for eternity.  
  
"what do you like about me?" the words tumble from his mouth before they go through his brain.  
  
he feels mark's eyes swivelling towards him, startled that he had broken the silence and puzzled by his question.  
  
hastily, he continues, "i mean, i don't have any good qualities; i'm egoistic and selfish and self-absorbed --"  
  
"stop," mark interrupts him firmly, eyes reproachful and serious. he looks as if he would put his hand over jackson's mouth if he hadn't promised not to touch him. "don't put yourself down like that." mark looks saddened and perturbed, as if he had been the one jackson was talking about.  
  
"jia-er," he says solemnly, propping himself up on one elbow to gaze into jackson's eyes. his earlier awkwardness seems to be forgotten, or pale in importance to correcting jackson's self-worth. "weren't you the first to offer to sit out the soccer match, when we had an uneven number? on the first day of freshman year, didn't you take jinyoung's place in detention? this shows that you're loyal and kind-hearted. don't sell yourself short."  
  
jackson blinks. "wait, how did you know about detention?"  
  
mark colours a little at this. "jinyoung told me some time ago. he said that i'd better treat you right or he'd cut off my balls because you're the best friend in the world and way better than i deserve."  
  
jackson's face grows warm at the mention of mark's balls. he really doesn't want to think of this right now. not that he wants to think of it later, in the shower, or anything. heck no.  
  
"wait," he screeches in a low voice, "jinyoung knew you liked me too?"  
  
mark looks sheepish. "he was actually the first one to notice. at that time, i was still in denial, trying to cut off my confusing feelings for you. it was only after he said that that i started to face up to them."  
  
jackson falls silent at the realization of how mark must have faced the same reservations and doubts as him, falling for a boy. for one of his closest friends. he had unfairly assumed that this was easier for mark than for him, but he realizes his tactlessness to the silent struggle mark has gone through every day before this.  
  
mark is still gazing at him with unnerving intensity. "i told you i thought you were beautiful when i first saw you, right?" he says quietly, not forgetting his point. jackson has realized that although mark is a person who seldom speaks, that doesn't mean he's not a person who speaks at the right times. because when anyone he cares about needs verbal support or motivation, mark never fails to find the right words to say. it's like he's saving his words for times like this, when they will make a meaningful difference.  
  
"but when i got to know you, i realized that you were far more beautiful on the inside, than you were on the outside."  
  
jackson blushes on cue, and mark seems to find it amusing, unable to resist teasing him a little. "hey. behind that cocky, brutish exterior... you're actually a really nice guy, aren't you?"  
  
jackson sputters. "don't call me a _nice guy_!" he whinges, scrunching his face up in distaste on the words like he's sensitive to them. he doesn't like being fake and he's not going to pretend to be anything he's not. he's just him -- jackson wang, class clown, loud and obnoxious and always cheerful; but somehow, to mark -- in front of yi-en -- he becomes jia-er, uncertain and thoughtful, shy and smiling.  
  
mark's lip twitches again, but he manages to keep a straight face. "you asked me what i like about you," he goes on serenely. "i like that you're like a star, always burning yourself out for other people. you give people light. you gave _me_ light."  
  
the paper plane he had discovered in his pocket suddenly flashes into jackson's mind. _i always preferred the stars to the sun, until i saw your smile_.  
  
comprehension dawns on him with a start. for so long... mark had been watching over him, in the club, at the dojo, from afar. _what are you doing here? watching you_. he had never made any secret of his eyes faithfully following jackson. it was jackson who had been too blind to notice.  
  
and when jackson realizes this, it's like all of a sudden the scales have fallen from his eyes, like he has taken off the noise-cancellation headphones he had been wearing and the world is audible once more. he turns to look at mark, really look at him -- mark, ridiculously handsome yi-en who is the only one in the world besides his parents who calls him jia-er; who sees all the good things within jackson; fragile mark with his patience and boyish smile and warm heart and gentle hands; who doesn't seem to care about many things, but is passionate about the things he really cares about. _mark_ is saying that he likes jackson. yi-en is saying that he likes jia-er.  
  
"yi-en," jackson whispers, his heart leaping into his throat at the tender smile mark gives him. his eyes are clouded with jackson. "what do you think it means... that when i look at someone, it's hard to breathe?"  
  
"... someone?" mark repeats, a flicker of worry crossing his eyes.  
  
jackson smiles shakily. "you."  
  
so close, jackson can see the way mark's adam's apple bobs in the graceful column of his throat as he searches jackson's eyes in disbelief and agonizing hope.  
  
"i don't know," he says, voice trembling.  
  
jackson can hardly believe his nerve. he thinks he might've swallowed a leopard's guts as he leans forward boldly, closing the space between them and murmurs, "well then... let's find out, shall we?"  
  
mark's lips part willingly and the tip of his warm tongue brushes jackson's, answering his question.  
  
  
  
the next day, jackson keeps mum about the day before, deliberately vague no matter how much jinyoung tries to wheedle him into revealing.  
  
"fine, be that way," jinyoung eventually huffs, losing patience with bugging jackson to spill the beans. but he doesn't really seem to mind as much as he pretends to, in fact looking relieved that jackson isn't crying or heartbroken and taking no news as a good sign.  
  
  
  
the next tuesday, jackson and mark try their best to act normal during club. it's difficult to muster the stiff, awkward air that had hung between them like a dark cloud before, even though now there's a different kind of awkwardness. a delicious, tingly kind that feels like fireworks under jackson's skin.  
  
in the end, they wind up avoiding each other again, even though jackson catches mark watching him a few times with a beatific, adoring smile on his face. he wishes mark would stop being so obvious while trying to calm his hammering heart, but as they are walking towards the bike rack, finally able to hold hands behind the privacy of the school wall, mark demands why jackson had been so obvious.  
  
"who, _me_?" jackson gapes indignantly.  
  
mark complains about how jackson had been mooning at him so foolishly that bambam had smirked knowingly at mark like he had caught on to something.  
  
"i didn't!" jackson protests vehemently, dignity injured, his face feeling like a stop sign. he hadn't even seen bambam at club, because he hadn't been able to tear his attention away from mark long enough to notice other people.  
  
mark sighs. "i don't think we can hide it for long." twin creases appear in his brow, looking like he's painfully worried.  
  
jackson tries to hide his hurt. "would it be so bad if they found out?" he mumbles, trying not to sound sour.  
  
mark looks up, the creases disappearing as his eyes widen. he opens and closes his mouth mutely, before finding his voice. "no! that's not what i meant! i don't mind at all. i thought... you didn't want anybody to know." his voice grows softer, uncertain, and jackson feels a pang of guilt.  
  
"i don't really care," he says breezily after a few moments of silence.  
  
mark stares at him. "are you sure?" he asks seriously. "some people might look at us differently."  
  
jackson shrugs, hoping his racing heart doesn't show on his face. "those people don't matter. and anyway, jaebum practically openly calls jinyoung his boyfriend and they still adore him. you're the president, i'm sure they'll be as accepting to you."  
  
mark looks lost in thought. "is it really okay?" he says hesitantly. "is this..." he laces their fingers together, warm and slightly clammy, "okay?" he looks up at jackson shyly through his eyelashes.  
  
jackson swallows down the lump of fear in his throat and smiles back tremblingly. he locks his fingers around mark's and is rewarded with a bright, surprised smile. they've reached the bike, but mark doesn't let go.  
  
"want to go for a walk?" his eyes hold jackson's, glinting with conspiratorial challenge, and jackson breaks into a shit-eating grin and nods.  
  
  
  
they hear the ice cream bell more than ten paces before they see the truck. it resonates melodically down the quiet and peaceful avenue, making jackson's mouth water with anticipation. this time, he knows better than to judge it by its looks and only order one scoop.  
  
they both order vanilla again, but jackson adds one scoop of chocolate to his cone. mark doesn't even let go of his hand to pay, instead fishing a few crumpled notes from his pocket with his left hand. jackson can see that he's handed the seller much more than the cost again.  
  
the elderly man doesn't seem to have changed one bit, looking weathered and worn out in his thin wifebeater and straw hat, skin deeply tanned by the sun. the wrinkles on his face crease as he smiles at them, eyes twinkling and accepts mark's tip without much protest. jackson wonders if he remembers them from the year before. but he doubts it, since the vendor is so old and there must be tens of boys wearing their school uniform who buy ice cream from him everyday. but he rethinks his conclusion when the man generously gives him rainbow sprinkles over his ice cream and wishes them a good afternoon as they leave.  
  
mark finishes his cone first. jackson had noticed the last time that as opposed to some people who had the habit of licking their ice cream, mark actually took bites of it as if the cold didn't hurt his teeth. but today, jackson can't deny that he's flicking his tongue a little more suggestively than usual as he feels mark's gaze being drawn towards him trailing it slowly over the melting ice cream, then sucking his fingers one by one loudly.  
  
mark's fingers tighten nervously around his, and he clears his throat. jackson hides a smirk and pretends not to notice. when mark finishes his ice cream, jackson casually offers him a bite of chocolate. mark hesitates, but at jackson's eager eyes leans forward obligingly to take a small nibble. he seems self-conscious under jackson's intent gaze and licks his lips, this time disarming jackson, who nearly drops his ice cream onto the asphalt.  
  
jackson finishes the rest of it in a few large and quick licks, shoving the cone almost whole into his mouth and crunching down on it. he thinks he can feel mark's heart beating through his fingertips, the rabbit-quick thumping of his pulse in his wrist brushing jackson's. it's amusing how affected mark gets by his every little move and jackson just can't resist pushing his buttons sometimes.  
  
but when he's licking his fingers clean distractedly after that, they abruptly hear the faint rumbling of an engine, growing closer and closer before a flashy sports car appears rounding the bend up ahead like it's in a drag race, burning rubber at a breakneck pace.  
  
jackson feels mark's entire frame physically slamming against him, so fast does he grab jackson in his arms and pull him to the safety of the sidewalk. they slump breathlessly against each other, watching the car speed down the road and quickly disappear into the distance.  
  
"fucking moron," mark curses under his breath, eyes narrowed and angry as he glares after it. it still surprises jackson when he swears because he does it so rarely. mark's arms are still tightly wound around him in an almost bruising grip.  
  
"are you okay?" he looks down at jackson, eyes and voice softening immediately. jackson nods, feeling a little speechless and mark strokes his hair back in relief.  
  
"y-you can let go of me now," jackson finally stutters, uncomfortably aware that they're locked in embrace on the road right outside their school gates in their uniforms. mark's eyes widen as he apparently seems to realize how crushingly he's hugging jackson.  
  
"oh. sorry," he drops his arms instantly, shuffling to put a respectful distance between them again. jackson misses the feeling of mark's hand around his, but mark's face is flushed with embarrassment and jackson almost regrets saying what he said.  
  
"it's just..." he tilts his head lamely in the direction of the school, feeling the need to explain.  
  
mark nods quickly, comprehension dawning in his eyes, and something else like disappointment. jackson feels bad, but also slightly defensive. sure, he had told mark that he didn't mind the club members knowing, but the entire school knowing is a completely different thing. jackson isn't ready to go public in that way yet.  
  
and besides, if they got caught they would be punished and humiliated. jackson doesn't want to think of how his mother would react if she got called to the school for something like this. he gulps uneasily.  
  
luckily, mark seems to intuitively sense his worries, giving him a quietly reassuring smile. he keeps a careful distance from jackson as he doesn't take his hand again but beckons him in the direction of the bicycle rack.  
  
"it's late," he says, "let's go home."  
  
  
  
but later at night, when mark stops a distance from his house, he does touch jackson, taking his hand loosely again as he presses a chaste kiss to jackson's forehead in the hazy puddle of light beneath a mercury vapour lamp, with only the silent moon and the all-seeing stars as their witness.  
  
jackson closes his eyes and savours the sensation, wishing that his forehead was his lips but not daring to initiate a real kiss again since that day at the planetarium. they had made out for the rest of the night, the stargazing forgotten as they moved their hands clumsily over each other's bodies and their lips clumsily over each other's mouths, rolling around on the cushions of beanbags. nearing the end they had gotten a little too heated and jackson had started feeling weird. mark had to stop with an effort too, his lips kiss-swollen and his eyes unfocused and drugged like he was intoxicated. he was breathing labouredly (they both were) and his hair was a complete mess but then he pulled the beanie back over it again and looked like he had just stepped out of a teen idol magazine.  
  
neither of them could meet each other's eyes as they left the planetarium.  
  
even so, kissing mark had been a mind-blowing experience. addicting, actually. and something jackson wouldn't say no to trying out a second time. or a third.  
  
he may or may not be a little obssessed with thinking about mark's lips. which was why he had been playing those games with the ice cream, attempting to goad mark into noticing his lips too. but apparently mark found jackson's lips very resistable.  
  
jackson pouts unconsciously, and only realizes what he's doing when mark's eyes snap down to his mouth. he quickly stops, feeling embarrassed and hastily turning away, but then a hand catches his fingers and stops him in his tracks.  
  
when jackson turns back, the hunger in mark's darkening eyes makes his breath hitch. it flashes into his mind the memory of the morning a few days ago when jackson had woken up, panting loudly, with his underwear sticky and his face hot with shame.  
  
of course, it wasn't the first time jackson had woken up with an erection or had wet dreams. he's a normal, hormonal teenage boy, after all.  
  
but it was the first time those dreams had featured a boy.  
  
remembering what mark's pretty pink lips had been doing to him in the dream now makes jackson's face burn feverishly. he can't bring himself to meet mark's eyes or he might be unable to hide this sordid, sacrilegious secret. jackson just wants to slink away, into the darkness and shadows where no one can see his twisted fantasies, back to his bedroom where he can jerk himself off under the blankets with the sensation of mark's lips still fresh on his forehead and no one will ever know.  
  
so that's what he does, leaving mark standing alone under the street lamp with a muttered goodbye and without ever meeting his eyes.  
  
  
  
that night, jackson finds himself thinking of mark in that space between reality and dreams, just before he falls asleep. he wonders if mark would've kissed him if jackson hadn't chickened out and ran away at the streetlamp. he wonders if mark would've tasted like vanilla ice cream.  
  
it is a rare occasion that jackson's thoughts of mark aren't dirty and impure ones but innocent daydreams that make him giggle stupidly. he covers his face with his pillow to muffle his squeaks of crazed laughter and eventually, too wound up to fall asleep yet, picks up his phone and taps out a quick _good night_ message to mark, followed by about ten random emoticons.  
  
jackson stays awake for about fifteen minutes after that, eagerly waiting for his phone to vibrate, but it is disappointingly silent. mark has probably fallen asleep. jackson checks his watch and frowns. it's only eleven.  
  
  
  
the next day, he doesn't see mark at school. it's not unusual because it's a wednesday and before they had started officially dating, they never saw each other everyday unless one of them went to the other's class to look for him. sometimes they just exchange text messages, but today jackson hasn't received any either. mark hadn't replied his goodnight message even in the morning and jackson figured he probably didn't know what to say since he saw it late.  
  
he doesn't think much of it, but he does miss mark. surprisingly much. in a short span of time, he's become so attached to mark that it feels weird when he doesn't see mark for a few hours, like there's something missing. it's like he's suffering mark withdrawal and jackson laughs incredulously, mocking himself. _you're so whipped, wang_ , he mutters under his breath self-deprecatingly.  
  
even though they're in the same school, the same building, it still doesn't feel like mark's presence is close enough for comfort. in fact, knowing that mark is probably one storey down, listening to his teacher droning on about something, makes jackson ache with an even fiercer missing. he fidgets anxiously, unable to calm his jitters.  
  
the moment the bell for recess rings, jackson has already sprung out of his seat. before jinyoung can ask where he's going, he's already sprinting out of class and down the stairs, heart pounding with anticipation. he wonders what kind of face mark will make when he sees jackson coming to look for him at his class. surprised? happy? excited? maybe he will even blush.  
  
but when jackson skids to a breathless halt outside the back door of mark's classroom, he is puzzled and crestfallen to see mark's seat empty, his books strewn carelessly and half-open on the table, bag slung over the back of his chair. maybe he went to the restroom.  
  
jackson lurks at the door, not knowing what to do, for a few minutes before he hears his name being called in a surprised voice.  
  
jaebum is walking towards him, looking pleased to see him but questioning. "jackson-ah," he says, when he arrives at the back door, "are you looking for mark?"  
  
"erm..." jackson stammers, bashful to say it out loud. he shifts his feet and studies the ground.  
  
jaebum laughs, not unkindly. "he raced out as soon as the bell rang. i thought he was going to look for you."  
  
"what?" jackson gasps, darting towards the parapet to peer up at the second floor. sure enough, he sees something that looks like mark's back view sticking his head into jackson's class.  
  
jackson groans as jaebum looks amused. "you guys are more entertaining than a korean drama," he quips, shaking his head.  
  
jackson flips him the middle finger and takes large strides towards the staircase again, starting to lose his stamina.  
  
on his way down the corridor of the ground floor, he hears his name again and turns around, confused. it's called by a female voice and sure enough, he finds hani sitting in her class, waving at him with a big smile. "jackson? are you looking for me?"  
  
"uhh..." jackson hesitates, not wanting to embarrass her in front of her girlfriends who are checking him out obviously and nudging hani as they explode in giggles.  
  
"... y-yeah, i guess," jackson finishes, taking a resigned step into her classroom and giving up on chasing mark down. he's planning to give hani some quick excuse and leave quickly so he can get back to mark, but the moment he enters the classroom she warmly tugs him down onto the chair next to her and immediately her gaggle of friends are gathered around him, firing questions at him like an interrogation squad as if he's her boyfriend or something.  
  
jackson is trying to field their questions one by one, harassed and distracted, when the commotion abruptly falls silent. he looks up in the direction the girls have turned their heads to see mark approaching his seat, looking thunderous.  
  
he takes no notice of any of the girls, expression dark as he grabs jackson's arm roughly.  
  
"i was looking for you," he said, voice low. "so you were here."  
  
the accusation in his voice makes jackson draw back, immediately defensive. "no, i --"  
  
"let's go," mark says, voice warning, and hani looks dumbfounded and confused as mark physically hauls jackson to his feet.  
  
"sorry, i gotta go," jackson apologizes to her effusively. "i'll catch up with you later --"  
  
"you won't," mark cuts in sharply, and jackson flinches. mark looks at hani then, and the glare that he levels her with can only be called cold.  
  
jackson feels a mixture of annoyance and shock at mark's ungracious behavior. since when was mark so petty, especially towards girls? although mark isn't a flirt like jackson, he's always a consummate gentleman towards the girls in the club. his rudeness and embarrassing jackson in front of hani is unattractive, to say the least.  
  
but mark looks unapologetic as he finally takes his eyes off hani and focuses on jackson again. they're narrowed and piercing, as though he's caught jackson cheating on him red-handed or something. it's absurd.  
  
but before jackson can say anything else, mark is dragging him out of the classroom bodily, surprisingly strong. jackson lets himself be forcefully tugged down the corridor, mark's fingers pressing bruises into his arm until they reach the row of lockers on the first storey and he loses his temper too. he's had enough of being misunderstood and manhandled.  
  
but when jackson shakes off mark's grasp, mark spins around with wide, panicked eyes, seeming to think that jackson is going to make a break for it and go back to hani's class or something. he catches jackson's arm in his tight grip again, and this time he grabs jackson's other wrist. at this unexpected violence, jackson instinctively retaliates, trying to squirm out of his grasp, but he is defeated by not being prepared that mark is stronger than him, overpowering him.  
  
jackson is more surprised than hurt because he had naturally assumed that being bulkier than skinny, slender mark, he would have the advantage in strength. to stop his wildly flailing hands, mark slams him against the locker, his back hitting the steel with a loud thud that gives jackson the sickening feeling they might have dented it.  
  
it's not so much painful as humiliating, but he sees the concern widen mark's eyes immediately, and guilt for treating jackson so roughly. but he doesn't loosen his grip on jackson's wrists, seeming to be confused about what to do but not wanting to let go as he pins jackson's wrists at his sides against the lockers and moves closer towards him, caging him between his arms.  
  
behind them, a few students walk past, on their way to the cafeteria. jackson is aware of the curious looks they are attracting, and is starting to break out in a cold sweat because he doesn't know what mark is going to do next. he's never seen mark this mad before and can't predict his subsequent actions.  
  
indeed, his worst fears come true as mark growls, "so you won't let me kiss you, but rushed out of class to hit on her the moment break started? what are you playing at, jackson wang?"  
  
he spits out jackson's name, with none of the tenderness he uses when he says _jia-er_ , and jackson flinches. he can't help noticing a few people gathering around them and whispering to each other. jackson feels his paranoia building. mark doesn't seem to notice or care about anything except drilling his eyes into jackson's demandingly.  
  
"i --" jackson flounders, not knowing what to say to pacify mark. he had no idea mark was still so unconfident and insecure, feeling threatened by hani when jackson hadn't even had any relationship with her, just gave her one measly white day gift. but to be fair, he hadn't told mark clearly that he had never had a crush on her in the first place.  
  
"people are staring," he hisses desperately. "can we talk later, in private?"  
  
mark makes a sneering kind of noise. jackson hasn't heard it before and doesn't like it.  
  
"no," he says coolly. "let them stare. i want everyone to know who you belong to."  
  
jackson can't believe mark -- mark tuan who can't even say boo to a goose -- just said that. he is still recovering from the shock when mark's eyes are an inch away from his again, dark with that familiar hunger from last night, his mouth covering jackson's with a brutality that wasn't there during their first clumsy, innocent kiss. mark kisses him sloppily this time, teeth knocking, hot and wet and filthy -- too filthy to be seen in public, by the crowd of almost ten people gathered around them. jackson is dimly aware that right now he is kissing a boy, kissing _mark_ , against the lockers in school during break in plain sight of the whole world and their mothers. with tongue. jackson feels a thread of saliva trailing between their open mouths as mark breaks away for air for a second with a wet popping sound, then attacks jackson's mouth again, and squeezes his eyes shut in abject horror and mortification, unable to continue looking at the other students' judgmental eyes.  
  
he prays that when he opens his eyes, he will be in bed and this will just be another freaky nightmarish wet dream. instead, what he sees is his fencing coach and their physical education teacher, whom he respects greatly, standing in front of them and staring in horror and disbelief.  
  
"jackson wang?" he says hoarsely, as if he doesn't recognize jackson, and jackson is so freaked out that he manages to push mark away for a second, taking him by surprise. mark stumbles back, wiping his lips with the back of his hand and looking wrecked and dazed again.  
  
  
  
later that afternoon, jackson feels an ironic sense of deja vu as they trudge towards detention, taking the same route as the first two days they had met more than a year ago. he doesn't know about mark, but he had never been to detention since then and never expected to be sent there again. but he's thankful that his coach had let them off with a warning and agreed not to call their parents if they promised never to commit such "indecent acts" on school grounds again. jackson had apologized and thanked his coach profusely for showing leniency, knowing that he was favouring jackson because jackson is one of his most promising fencers. but mark had just stood beside jackson, his face blank and looking like he didn't give a flying fuck whether or not he got expelled. it was infuriating and jackson had elbowed him hard until he heard mark inhale in surprised pain at jackson's viciousness.  
  
thankfully the locker had not been visibly damaged but jackson can't say the same for his reputation. he imagines rumours spreading around the school like wildfire at this very minute. by tomorrow morning possibly the whole school will know that jackson and mark are gay and a couple. jackson isn't ashamed of this fact, but he hadn't quite wanted it to be revealed in such an ugly way.  
  
he sneaks a sideways glance at mark, feeling his resentment throbbing. just for some stupid impulse, mark had messed up both their reputations and acted in such an off-putting way. jackson literally cannot see anything in mark that he was attracted to initially at this point.  
  
he knows that mark's quietness is both a blessing and a curse, as he tends to bottle up not only positive feelings but also negative ones. they end up simmering beneath the surface, without any outlet until they explode at inappropriate times, making him act irrationally. mark's dependability has always been one of the things that jackson loves most about him and he still can't get over the discovery that mark is capable of acting so unpredictably too.  
  
they are both sullen and scruffy as they hand over their detention slips mutely, their shirts untidily untucked and the bruises from mark's fingers still blooming faintly on jackson's wrists, his hair as messily tousled and unkempt as mark's. jackson runs his tongue over his lower lip when he feels a jab of pain and is surprised to taste blood. they look like they've just been in a scuffle and the teacher in charge of detention probably thinks they were sent here for exchanging blows. in fact, that would be preferable. it's the same teacher who had supervised their detention the previous year and jackson wonders if she remembers them. he wonders if she can tell how much has changed between them, between then and now.  
  
but in addition, mark still looks frustrated as he settles down two seats away from jackson, keeping his distance in an aloof manner that makes jackson's heart tighten and staring straight ahead at the whiteboard. jackson gives up trying to make eye contact with him.  
  
he wonders if mark had enjoyed the kiss. jackson would never admit that he enjoyed a forced kiss even a single bit, but if he did, it was only because it was with mark. he could do without the voyeurism and use a bit more gentleness and preparation. jackson gazes helplessly at the set of mark's clenched jaw and despairs again as he tries to think of a way to explain the misunderstanding.  
  
because he had been too gutless to look at mark's face the night before when jackson rebuffed him, he hadn't seen his expression but now jackson realizes that mark had probably taken it harder than he meant to and been bothered over it all night. if he had known it would end like this, jackson would have overcome his shyness and let mark kiss him as many times as he wanted. he would've reassured mark and let him know that he had no need to worry at all because jackson was absolutely smitten and besotted with him and no one else. jackson swallows over the lump rising in his throat and blinks back the salty prickle of tears pushing at his eyes.  
  
ever since they had started going out, mark isn't alone in acting inexplicably and emotionally. jackson feels the same violent mood swings and unvented frustration too. but he wishes he could find a way to tell mark how fragile, how very brittle and ephemeral this budding relationship is. so easily destroyed that jackson doesn't even know how to begin to protect it. no matter how strong their feelings for each other, ultimately, they are merely seventeen years old. mark isn't even eighteen yet and discretion is the only way jackson can think of to protect this forbidden and taboo relationship. it's not that he doesn't have urges and desires too. it's just that this is too precious to him to throw away for one careless kiss, one thoughtless embrace.  
  
  
  
but most importantly, jackson doesn't want their tentatively beginning relationship to affect mark's college entrance exams in any way. he knows how important they are to all the third-year students and that they will determine mark's future.  
  
mark doesn't try to kiss him anymore after the locker incident. he still fetches jackson home on tuesdays and they exchange random texts approximately every other day, but they seem to have reverted back to the awkward but comfortable tandem of friendship again. jackson is slightly relieved, though still frequently tormented by graphic dreams of mark. he wants more, but is afraid to step out of the safety of his comfort zone. mark also seems to have gotten his urges and impulses under control, never acting out of line again after that day.  
  
the day before their first mock papers, jackson goes with jinyoung to a buddhist temple in the suburbs of taipei to offer incense and request amulets for successful studies and results of flying colours. jinyoung visits jaebum's house that night to pass it to him, but jackson only has the chance to slip it to mark on the next day, twenty minutes before the examination.  
  
mark looks pale and unconfident when jackson sees him huddled at his desk doing last-minute cramming, but he brightens a little when he sees jackson. his face lights up with genuine delight when jackson produces the amulet and slips it into his hand, their fingers brushing for the briefest moment. mark's touch lingers on his wistfully, as if he wants to hold jackson's hand a minute longer, but he doesn't.  
  
"what's this?" he studies it curiously.  
  
"it's a good luck charm," jackson explains.  
  
"oh. thanks," mark says gratefully, and smiles at jackson guilelessly. it brings jackson back to the days when their friendship was uncomplicated by deeper feelings yet and his chest aches.  
  
"don't worry," he whispers, patting mark's shoulder awkwardly. "you studied so hard, i'm sure you're going to do great. _jiayou_!"  
  
mark smiles and nods, looking slightly more encouraged. he clutches the amulet tightly in his hand and shoves it into his pocket. he clears his throat and shuffles his notes again, and jackson takes it as his cue to leave.  
  
but as he is exiting the class, he hears mark's voice calling his name softly. "jia-er."  
  
when he turns, mark's eyes are glimmering warmly at him. he doesn't say anything, just lifts the amulet to his lips and kisses it with quiet tenderness, and jackson feels his knees buckling.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is rated mature/nc-17.

it's in mid-august, some time after the third-years' mock papers have started, that jackson hears a rumour that makes his heart stop for a sickening beat, then start palpitating.  
  
he happens to overhear the gossip while eavesdropping on a conversation between the senior members of the club, some of whom are mark and jaebum's classmates. jinyoung is beside him when jackson hears the words _mark's going back to LA_ , and he instantly swivels his head around with wide eyes to check if his ears were playing tricks on him.  
  
the consternation and chagrin on jinyoung's face makes his heart sink like a stone. he looks concerned as jackson's knees give out beneath him and he sinks feebly into a chair.  
  
"are you okay?" jinyoung asks sympathetically. "look, we might've heard wrongly or misunderstood. i can go ask them if you --"  
  
"forget it," jackson says sharply, cutting jinyoung off midsentence. he tries to keep his face cool as he says flippantly, "he'll tell me himself if he wants to."  
  
jinyoung grudgingly agrees not to push the matter, but that doesn't mean jackson doesn't spend the rest of the afternoon obssessing over it. is this the reason their relationship has cooled down lately? jackson had thought that mark wanted to concentrate on his studies, and he didn't want to be a distraction, so he had contented himself with the occasional text and tried to be patient. but maybe mark had been deliberately trying to distance himself, because he knew he would be leaving soon. maybe this was just a fling to him from the start, a high school romance that would end with the end of his high school life.  
  
jackson can't believe he had been thinking of the word _forever_.  
  
  
  
he feels dumb, naive, like the inexperienced novice at relationships he is. so many things seem to make sense now, the way mark is vague and aloof when jackson has approached him lately, his mind seeming to be somewhere else even when he replies jackson in monosyllables. jackson had tried to keep his enthusiasm unflagging and continued trying to make small talk, but it was difficult and discouraging when mark was so unresponsive.  
  
maybe he had been irritated by jackson getting too clingy and emotionally invested but been too nice to say so. maybe he was regretting. maybe jackson hadn't turned out to be the beautiful person mark thought he was. maybe he's losing interest in him.

jackson feels like he's spiralling down helplessly into a bottomless vortex at this thought, because -- god, jackson is more in love with mark than ever. the word _love_ scares him and he would never, ever say it out loud to mark. after all, what do they know of love? they're only seventeen. but all jackson knows is that he can't go a day without thinking of mark, and it reminds him of something his father once told him when he was young and wanted to give up on fencing because it was too hard. _jia-er_ , he had said wisely, his hand on jackson's shoulder, _never give up on the things you can't live a day without_.  
  
he comes to his senses to the echoes of the last peals of the bell and the lazy clatter of his classmates filing out of class. jinyoung is waving an insistent palm before his eyes, the mild concern in his eyes now replaced by resolute impatience.  
  
"get up," he orders, clamping his hand around jackson's arm and dragging him to his feet. "we're going to get some answers and you're going to stop walking around like a soulless zombie," he says authoritatively, practically marching jackson out of class and down the stairs.  
  
  
  
when jackson sees mark leaning casually against the wall outside his classroom, laughing about something with one of his classmates jackson vaguely identifies as brian and looking like he doesn't have a care in the world, something inside jackson snaps.  
  
"yi-en!" he finds himself hollering, making the students hanging outside the class turn to stare at him. mark's head snaps up at his voice, saucer-eyed and startled. jackson disregards their looks as he strides forward purposefully. mark looks slightly freaked out, taking a stuttering step back as if he's repulsed by jackson.  
  
jackson swallows, his eyes stinging and stops in the middle of the corridor because mark looks like a frightened kitten ready to turn tail and bolt. he halts so abruptly that jinyoung almost bumps into his back. he doesn't think he could bear it if mark backs away from him an inch more.  
  
mark looks around furtively, with that familiar discomfort that enters his eyes whenever jackson uses his chinese name around other people. even now, it still feels like an honour, a thrill to be the only one permitted to address mark like that.  
  
jackson takes a deep breath, the words tumbling out of his mouth with his usual impetuousness, tripping off his tongue too fast. "you're going back to the US?"  
  
he realizes how accusatory he sounds and flushes. mark is staring at him like a deer in headlights, blinking owlishly at jackson's question.  
  
when mark finally opens his mouth to answer, jackson's heart leaps into his throat. "... no?" mark looks confused, and relief floods through jackson.  
  
"thank god," jackson can't help muttering under his breath, forgetting his reserve as he strides towards mark. the people who paused to ogle them scatter, losing interest and brian wanders back into the classroom to let jackson and mark talk.  
  
underneath all the awkwardness and confusion, jackson is surprised that mark looks pleased to see him.  
  
"why do you ask?" he furrows his brow in concern when jackson gets within speaking distance.  
  
jackson blushes, feeling like he just made a fool of himself over nothing. he shrugs, trying to look careless. "i heard a few of the members talking about it in club."  
  
mark takes in his answer, looking pensive. "it's not me who's going back for college. it's jae--"  
  
jinyoung's gasp cuts his word off, and mark abruptly closes his mouth. he turns to jackson in alarm as jinyoung takes off towards the door of his classroom, calling, "jaebum-hyung!" in a shrill voice that makes jackson's hair stand.  
  
"he didn't know?" mark whispers, panicked.  
  
jackson shrugs and shakes his head, and mark slaps his forehead. "damn."  
  
jackson's mind is reeling too at this news, so he can only imagine how jinyoung feels. he's about to turn on his heel to chase after him, worried, when mark grabs his hand.  
  
jackson turns back and looks down at their conjoined hands, confused. mark blushes but doesn't let go.  
  
"let them sort it out themselves," mark says quietly, and jackson is reminded of the day in first year when mark had given him the same advice. that had been the first day he fetched jackson home on his bike. they had been barely more than strangers back then and jackson hadn't known that merely a year later, everything would change so completely.  
  
this time, he obeys without complaint again, not because he owes mark a favour but because he feels unable to look or walk away, caught in the thrall of mark's spell as he gently holds jackson's hand and leads him down the corridor. jackson can't see his face as he is tugged forward by the momentum of mark's long, loose strides, only see his broad shoulders under the uniform, his narrow hips and creased shirttails falling messily out of his navy pants. he's so beautifully boyish, masculine in a way that makes jackson's throat dry up.  
  
if he's being honest, jackson had another reason for chasing after jinyoung besides concern for his friend. he also felt slightly afraid of being alone with mark, after he had been avoiding jackson for weeks. he didn't know how to ask mark why or face the answer.

but now, they are utterly, painfully alone, and mark's undivided attention is focused on jackson as he pulls him into an empty classroom and shuts the door behind them, backing jackson against the closed door.  
  
in the unlit and dusty classroom, mark's eyes are shrouded in the dim afternoon light. he gazes deeply into jackson's eyes, lashes fluttering as his eyelids grow hooded. his eyes smoulder with a heart-stopping want and jackson feels his own lashes fluttering closed too as he tips his face up eagerly, heart hammering. he can feel the light warmth of mark's quickened breaths on his skin.

but even after he waits a few seconds, mark doesn't close the remaining distance between them, or attempt to kiss jackson. jackson blinks dazedly, feeling anticlimactic and embarrassed and rebuffed. had he read the signals wrong?  
  
mark backs away, shoving his hands in his pockets and not meeting jackson's eyes.  
  
"why don't you kiss me?" jackson bursts out. "why are you avoiding me?"  
  
he regrets the questions the moment they are out in the oppressive silence, their echoes sounding whiny and clingy between them.  
  
mark looks stricken as he stares at jackson, stripped and vulnerable.  
  
"i..." he starts, hanging his head, then mumbles, "i didn't know how to say... i'm sorry."  
  
jackson exhales, his limbs growing rubbery with relief. so _that_ was the reason why mark had avoided him? not because he was bored with jackson, or didn't want to see him.  
  
"because of that time... at the locker?" he guesses tentatively, and mark looks contrite.  
  
"that was weeks ago," jackson says gently.  
  
"but still...!" mark sounds tormented. "i shouldn't have done that to you. i'm ashamed. i don't know what came over me and if i'm... worthy of you."  
  
" _worthy?_ " jackson repeats incredulously. "what are you even talking about?"  
  
_i'm the one who's unworthy of you_.  
  
"i don't want to hurt you," mark says quietly.  
  
"you could never hurt me," jackson replies steadily, taking a bold step closer. mark looks up hesitantly, hopefully.  
  
jackson brushes the satin of mark's cheek with his knuckles. holding his breath, he cups mark's face with his palm.  
  
mark stays still as jackson leans in this time, allowing jackson to kiss him.  
  
  
  
in september, jackson delves into his life savings, wanting to spare no costs to splurge on his first birthday present for mark. jinyoung offers to go window shopping with him but jackson doesn't need to browse. he has already had his eye on his ideal present, decided on it the moment he saw it in the glass display case at the jewellery shop. it had just taken him some time to make up his mind on buying because it's one of the most expensive items he's ever bought.  
  
two days before mark's birthday, jackson makes his way to the shopping mall alone after school, his wallet heavy with the money he had packed but his heart light with excitement. mark is going to look so good wearing his gift, jackson thinks gleefully.  
  
when he walks into the jewellery shop, the posh salesgirls discreetly eye his scruffy uniform up and down, but reluctantly oblige when he asks to see the earring. the white-gold of the miniature winnie-the-pooh stud sparkles in the fluorescent lights.  
  
jackson whips out his thick wallet, watching their jaws drop with satisfaction. "i'll take this," he says decisively, feeling certain he's made the right decision as he watches them wrap it up.  
  
on the second day they met, jackson had already noticed that mark had two piercings in his right earlobe, and one on the cartilage. he briefly wonders at how despite being a dyed-in-the-wool nerd, mark actually has many un-nerdlike qualities. jackson chuckles, remembering how he had judged mark as a delinquent on the first day. he couldn't have been more wrong.  
  
during the past two years, jackson had noticed that most of the time he wore one simple stud, a crescent-shaped and star-shaped earring, all silver. technically it's against the dress code of their school for boys to wear jewellery but he had seemed to manage to elude detection and punishment so far.  
  
  
  
on the big day, jackson packs the small velvet box into his school bag with care, his heart racing with anticipation. what kind of face will mark make when he sees it? jackson can hardly wait to see his surprised and delighted smile.  
  
the next day isn't a tuesday, but jackson, jinyoung, mark and jaebum have grown used to meeting up during recess to eat as a group. if the cafeteria is too crowded to sit down, they will buy a bunch of buns and snacks and canned drinks from the vending machine and troop down to the courtyard to sit on one of the stone picnic tables. the weather this month is unseasonably pleasant and sometimes bambam, youqian and rongzai join them if they happen to pass by.  
  
however, today, jinyoung disappears with jaebum to the restroom and they don't come back for more than fifteen minutes (which means they have found an empty classroom to make out in, something which has been happening with more frequency since jinyoung found out jaebum is leaving for university in korea). jackson watches mark tearing bites of his bread off with his fingers and tossing them into his mouth absently. his hand slips into his pocket, clammy as he fingers the velvet box shoved deep inside.  
  
jinyoung and jaebum had given mark their gifts earlier, while they were eating. jinyoung had bought mark a thick hardcover encyclopedia entitled "the complete guide to the galaxy", effectively combining his passion for reading and mark's passion for astronomy in one gift. mark looked thrilled as he thumbed through the glossy pages and pored over the colourful illustrations. jaebum had given mark what looked like an old, ratty videotape, but mark practically went into throes of ecstasy when he saw it.  
  
"you found it?!" he gasps in hushed reverence as jackson and jinyoung stared in astonishment. jaebum was nodding enthusiastically, eyes shining with the same manic glint, and jackson and jinyoung knew them well enough by now to know that it was probably some ridiculously obscure and obsolete nasa documentary that they would fall asleep trying to watch.  
  
now, jackson has second thoughts, wondering if mark will like his gift. it's not as meaningful as jaebum's and jinyoung's. if he's being completely honest, it's kind of selfish. jackson just really wants to see mark wearing the earring jackson gave him, every day.  
  
"so..." mark starts, filling the silence which has only been interrupted by jackson's slurping of his banana milk. he brushes the breadcrumbs off his hands carefully. "do you want to come over after school?"  
  
jackson raises his head to study mark. mark's eyes are downcast as he stares at the scarred granite of the table, but his ears are mauve. for them, "come over after school" has become code for going to either jackson's or mark's house to make out for hours, until the sun is setting in the horizon and they are both dizzy and wrecked, lips puffy and abused. since the locker incident, mark had been careful not to touch jackson within or near the school compound, only holding his hand innocently when they were behind walls or out of sight. but once they got to his house, mark would lose his restraint and inhibitions, hands audaciously roving beneath the hem of jackson's shirt and unbuttoning his uniform buttons with clumsy but deft fingers.  
  
still, mark never lets his hands stray below waist level. the closest he has ever gotten is gripping jackson's hips with tight fingers when jackson had brazenly climbed into his lap one afternoon while kissing and straddled him. mark's hands settled on jackson's hips, feeling like they fit there, and he shifted jackson's position a little. a groan jackson had never heard before slipped from his lips when jackson applied his weight and he felt the sound shoot straight to his groin thrillingly.  
  
when jackson's hands wandered towards the zipper of mark's uniform pants, mark had caught them in a strong grip. "no," he said firmly and distinctly, even though his eyes were glazed over and he was panting like he had just run a marathon. he dislodged jackson from his lap, climbing off his bed abruptly and running a shaky hand through his disheveled hair.  
  
jackson whined petulantly, but he said softly, "i'm not going to touch you until we're both eighteen."  
  
jackson doesn't think any of his birthdays has ever felt so excruciatingly far away.  
  
till then, all he can content himself with are his fantasies and memories of mark's lips against his, demanding and insistent and yet pliant and giving at the same time. jackson could come just from the feeling of mark's lips and the increasingly erotic dreams that continue haunting him at night as time passes.  
  
amusingly but unsurprisingly, mark was a hit with jackson's mother. she immediately adored him from the first day he came to jackson's house, scuffy and shy and stammering. much to jackson's humiliation, she likes to sit mark down at the dining table and ply him with inquisitive questions about himself as well as embarrassing stories and facts about jackson, like the batman costume he liked to wear when he was little.  
  
mark smirked at jackson when she wasn't looking while listening to her telling that story. later in the safety of his bedroom, jackson bit his lip for revenge but mark only vibrated with laughter beneath him, his deep voice rumbling from his chest into jackson's torso as he lay on top of mark in his bed, legs sprawled awkwardly over mark's lower body as he pinned mark down with his weight.  
  
mark still refused to touch him below the belt but sometimes he accidentally on purpose pushed his knee between jackson's legs and jackson would pant and grind his crotch against it like a starving dog with a bone.  
  
it was incomprehensible how jackson's mum never noticed how charged the air was, the electric tension crackling between them as they sat opposite each other at the dining table, munching on her homemade cookies and milk like good boys while playing footsie under the table with their socked feet. the way mark looked at jackson -- insolent, adoring -- made jackson think of a term he had overheard bomi and jimin giggling about scandalously in class: eye-fucking.  
  
  
  
jackson blinks back to the present, seeing the anxiousness scrawled across mark's face as if he thinks that there's even a chance jackson will rebuff him on his birthday. his chest clenches with a pang as he hurriedly reassures mark, "of course." mark's face lights up in relief and eagerness and he bravely takes jackson's hand on the table, stroking his thumb over it with a caress so silky jackson is unable to think straight.  
  
when jackson eases his hand out of mark's grasp, he looks confused and slightly hurt. but jackson knows that there's no opportunity like the present, and takes a deep breath, reaching into his pocket to pull out the little box.  
  
mark's eyes widen when he sees it, darting questioningly towards jackson's.  
  
jackson blushes self-consciously. "happy birthday," he mumbles, pushing the box over.  
  
"jia-er!" mark says reproachfully. "this looks expensive. you shouldn't have!"  
  
"just open it," jackson urges, avoiding his statement. he watches with bated breath as mark clumsily pops open the box and gasps.  
  
mark stares up at him in disbelief. "how much did you spend on this?" he demands, trying to sound stern, but he can't contain the grin wreathing his face or disguise the sheer happiness in his eyes.  
  
"not more than you deserve," jackson says quietly, and feels a rush of warmth at the way mark's face colours with shy pleasure.  
  
"thank you," mark says simply, eyes holding his. "i love it." jackson can sense the depth of his gratitude and how moved he is from the way he accepts the present meekly without berating jackson for overspending.  
  
"shall i put it on for you?" jackson offers, and mark smiles. "sure."  
  
there's something incredibly intimate and sensual about unclasping the stud from mark's earlobe, leaving the moon and star there. mark shivers at jackson's touch, the tips of his ears pinkening adorably. jackson resists the impulse to stroke his fingertip over the shell of his ear. unsuccessfully.  
  
jackson carefully takes out the pooh earring from the box and slides the stick into mark's ear, securing it. "does it hurt?" he asks mark gently, but he shakes his head no and smiles reassuringly.  
  
"does it look good?" he tilts his head up to ask jackson eagerly after jackson drops his hands. jackson nods and smiles, but mark pouts.  
  
"i really want to see it."  
  
"let's take a selca then," jackson suggests, and mark brightens at the idea. he fishes his ipod out of his pocket. jackson knows firsthand that the wallpaper is still their selca from the second day they met. maybe mark will finally change it now. they had taken countless selcas together since, jackson getting mark hooked on his favourite narcissistic habit, but mark had never changed the wallpaper, seeming attached to that picture.  
  
mark tries to shrink to the back again, but jackson pulls him insistently to the front. "you won't be able to see the earring," he warns, and mark reluctantly lets jackson move to the background.  
  
the selca turns out perfect, mark with his ear facing the camera, the noontime sun glinting off the gold, his face facing jackson who is looking at the camera. when jackson sees the selca, the lovestruck expression on mark's face makes him blush like a schoolgirl.  
  
mark seems to notice, grabbing his hand without warning and impulsively brushing his lips across jackson's knuckles. "i love you," he blurts out, the words leaving his mouth so naturally and unassumingly that jackson doesn't even realize what he's said, until a moment later.  
  
"you what?" he rasps hoarsely, gaping at mark who looks like he wishes a hole would open up in the ground and swallow him up.

jackson takes mark's chin with his fingers and tips his face up to make mark look into his eyes.  
  
"can you say that again?" he whispers pleadingly.  
  
mark shakes his head mutely, looking terrified and panicked and absurdly crimson. jackson takes pity on him and lets the issue rest, even though he really wants to hear the words again. he knows he's not being fair. mark has already said it first, said it once. it's jackson's turn now.  
  
but the words are harder than he expected to spit out. instead, he lamely and wordlessly reaches for mark's hand and weaves their fingers together. _i love you too, yi-en_.  
  
  
  
later that night, as jackson is drifting off to sleep, he receives a message. his sleepy eyes instantly snap wide open to see another selca from mark, looking adorably dishevelled lying in bed, his hair a halo around his head. his eyes are drowsy and half-lidded and his face is angled so the earring is visible. _can't stop admiring it_ , the message reads simply.  
  
jackson bites his lip to stifle his dorky grin and hastily opens his phone camera, tidying his appearance up a little before snapping a quick selca too. _stunning_ , he types, a word he would never be able to say out loud in a million years in real life, and quickly sends the message off before he can regret it.  
  
a minute later he laughs out loud when he realizes that mark might interpret his message as describing his own selca, considering jackson's narcissism. a few times mark had teasingly called him _zi lian kuang_ , literally _narcissist_ , and the nickname had stuck with jinyoung and jaebum adopting it too.  
  
mark doesn't reply, so jackson drools over his selca for awhile more, having the sinking but exhilarating feeling that he won't be getting much sleep tonight. he resists the overpowering urge to shove his hand into his pants looking at mark's photo with his pale delicate collarbones peeking out of the gaping neckline of his sweatshirt, his cut-glass clavicles visible. if jackson stooped to desecrating a sacred photograph like that, it would be a new low for him.  
  
his phone vibrates, startling jackson out of his musings. he nearly leaps out of his skin to see the newest selca mark has sent him -- a close up of his pretty pink lips, puckered up into a virtual kiss. jackson curses. how is he supposed to sleep after this?  
  
jackson pounds out a bunch of profanities into the phone, then takes a bracing breath and backspaces all of them. it's still mark's birthday, after all. instead, he pretends to ignore the picture, tacking on a few sickly sweet emoticons at the end of his reply: _don't take it off_.  
  
he wonders what mark will reply, imagining his reaction, and laughs out loud when his phone vibrates almost instantly. _i'll wear it. always_.  
  
jackson throws himself back onto his bed with a flump, heart racing. miles away but still under the same sky, mark is probably thinking of him too right now. jackson thinks of how sending each other selcas has become one of their inside jokes, their traditions, like detention and eating ice cream and of course, going home on mark's bicycle. these mundane things that only have meaning to them, secretive and significant, make him feel giddily happy and warm.  
  
his phone startles him by buzzing again. it seems mark is finding it hard to sleep too. jackson wonders if it has anything to do with him. maybe he shouldn't have bitten his lip quite so suggestively in his selca.  
  
_why winnie-the-pooh, though?_ mark's message reads briefly.  
  
jackson muffles a laugh with the back of his hand.  
  
_because mark + winnie-the-pooh = markiepoo_ , he texts back, then groans and tosses his phone to the side, finally giving up on resisting his torturous urges.  
  
  
  
after the locker incident, jackson had been afraid of returning to school the next day, worried about the extent the rumour would have spread. thankfully when he arrived, he realized that the damage had been reasonably contained, only a handful of people, mostly the ones who had witnessed it personally and the friends they had told, seeming to know.  
  
what he felt most awkward about was that even though most of the witnesses had been strangers, a few were senior teammates from his fencing club, casual buddies that jackson had sparred with in a few friendly matches and looked up to.  
  
but the next time he attends fencing practice at the communal dojo, he's not sure if it's his overactive imagination or they seem to be avoiding him subtly.  
  
jackson tries not to feel lonely and left out as he absently strips off his perspiration-soaked shirt in the boys' changing room after practice. all the guys had already paired up today and he was left as the odd one out, ending up pairing up again with hani, which he didn't mind since she was as skilled as any of the boys anyway.  
  
a few of the guys walk in, chattering and laughing, and jackson looks up with a bright smile, raising his hand in greeting. his cheerful _hi_ trails off in uncertainty as the guys' face stiffen and they fall abruptly silent, looking uncomfortable and awkward. jackson blinks in confusion and watches them drift to their lockers and take out their clothes to shower, seeming to make a big show out of studiedly not looking at jackson's bare torso.  
  
jackson quickly pulls his shirt on, feeling absurdly like he's indecently dressed. which is preposterous considering that all the guys in the club parade around each other literally naked all the time without blinking an eye.  
  
the guys keep their silence up all the way until they troop to the communal showers, and jackson fishes his clean clothes and towel from his locker, following them hesitantly after a beat.  
  
he hears the guys joking and horsing around rowdily again under the loud rush of the shower, and smiles, shaking his head. he must have been thinking too much and been too sensitive, imagining the momentary awkwardness.  
  
but when jackson steps into the row of showers, his shirt off again and towel draped around his waist, the same pindrop silence plunges again and the other members seem to freeze up. they look abjectly uncomfortable, some turning away to face the wall and others hastily washing the soap off their bodies and pulling on their clothes even before drying themselves off properly.  
  
jackson pretends not to notice, shuffling to a corner shower and quickly and quietly finishing his shower, then leaves.  
  
as he trudges to the bus stop alone, jackson feels his heart growing heavy and sinking. it wasn't like the guys had said anything mean to him. they were nice people who would never deliberately hurt somebody else. but they just couldn't help feeling obviously awkward around him, due to what they had seen him doing. if he puts himself in their shoes, jackson can understand their feelings of confusion a little and doesn't blame them.  
  
whatever he does, the only thing jackson knows for certain is that he can't let mark know about any of today's happenings. firstly, he has enough on his plate with cramming for exams, and secondly, mark would be furious. irate. he would be shaking with anger at how his teammates had distanced jackson.  
  
however, jackson can't help feeling mildly depressed and the need to vent to someone about it. so on the bus, he takes out his phone and briefly texts jinyoung a summary of what happened.  
  
jinyoung replies, sounding concerned and outraged and indignant for jackson. "what pricks," he seethes. "do you want me to give them a piece of my mind?"  
  
"no!" jackson quickly replies anxiously, feeling much more comforted and less alone by jinyoung's passionate support and loyalty. "please don't tell anyone. i just want to forget it."  
  
  
  
like the good and honourable friend he is, jinyoung keeps his promise. but inevitably, mark finds out anyway a couple of weeks later when he finds jackson at the individual dojo and frowns, asking, "don't you usually attend the club every other week?"  
  
jackson swallows and makes up some flimsy excuse, but mark doesn't look convinced. he accompanies jackson for the rest of practice and doesn't bring up the subject anymore, though, so jackson is relieved that he doesn't seem to sense anything amiss.  
  
but the next thursday, jackson ambles to the individual dojo again and is surprised to see a note tacked to the door. he tears it off. it's signed from the rest of the guys, and reads, _come back to group practice, jackson! we miss you_.  
  
jackson feels a lump in his throat and a stinging in his eyes. he is half-smiling, half-sniffling as he pockets the note and takes big strides towards the common dojo, his excitement building. he had missed his teammates too, more than he realized. it's a big relief to know that the awkwardness has dissipated and they can go back to their easy banter.  
  
  
  
when he arrives at the dojo, a few of the girls jump on him with gleeful squeals. "jackson-ah, where have you been?" they complain, and jackson laughs. he had nearly forgotten how popular he was with the female members of the club. the guys who had been in the changing room with him that day hang back, looking sheepish and apologetic, but the old friendly warmth is restored in their eyes and their smiles are natural and not forced. a few of them clamour to pair up with jackson when the coach asks them to pick sparring partners, and jackson chuckles. everything is back to normal.  
  
after practice, hani corners him and hisses, "you know what happened just now, before you got here? that guy... your friend who's a senior too... he came into the club looking super pasty and sweating. we thought he was going to have a panic attack, but then he went in this fierce voice, _anyone dares to mess with jackson wang, you'll have to answer to me_. he was glaring at some of the guys and for awhile we were worried a fight was going to break out. did something happen?"  
  
another of the girls, sunmi, overhears their conversation and drifts over, bobbing her head profusely in agreement. "he was so hot!" she gushes dreamily. "jackson, do you know if he has a girlfriend?"  
  
jackson takes in the information and processes it, shell-shocked. so mark had found out after all. he had come here on his own to restore jackson's dignity, to fight for his rights despite how daunted he was. jackson feels a painful warmth swell in his heart and overflow.  
  
"he's my boyfriend," he replies loudly, loud enough for the guys who are hanging nearby to hear. they look up, and jackson stares straight into their eyes this time, defiantly without hanging his head. he is gratified and appeased to see no hint of awkwardness in their amiable and accepting gazes now. sunmi's mouth drops open, but jackson thinks he sees a glint of pride and encouraging support in hani's smiling eyes.  
  
"i swear, all the cute ones are gay!" he hears sunmi whining bitterly and hani disguising a laugh as a cough as she comforts her placatingly, but jackson doesn't stay to hear the rest of the conversation.  
  
he realizes that he doesn't care about anything right now except seeing mark. mark, his personal angel, his protector, his knight in shining armour. jackson has never loved anyone more in his life than right now.  
  
when he reaches mark's classroom he spots him sitting alone at his desk in the empty class, staring out of the window with his back facing jackson. mark seems to be trying to decide something, looking conflicted as he fidgets with his phone nervously, then eventually seems to go for it and start typing something. he squares his shoulders and presses send, and jackson feels his phone vibrating in his pocket.  
  
when he takes it out and opens the message, it reads, _i have to stay back in school to do some work. need a ride after practice?_  
  
jackson smiles through the film of moisture blurring his eyes, the movement making the droplets spill over and down his cheeks. he dashes an arm across his eyes carelessly and takes a shaky breath, walking in.  
  
  
  
"we're leaving the club in your hands, then," jaebum says momentously, a suspicious glimmer in his eyes as he carefully passes the thick folder of members' particulars and the notes of all the meetings and discussions they've ever had into jinyoung's respectful hands. mark stands beside him, looking pensive and thoughtful but his eyes glint with reassuring calm when jackson shoots him a look.  
  
jinyoung nods solemnly. "leave it to us and don't worry," he says stoutly, patting his chest with confidence. "we'll make sure the club prospers and do you proud."  
  
jaebum cracks a watery smile and takes off his glasses, wiping his eyes. jinyoung moves closer to wind a gentle arm around his shoulder, and mark and jackson instinctively fall back to give them privacy.  
  
jackson looks around the club, feeling mark's silent but warm presence hovering at his elbow. every corner holds memories for him, every nook and cranny of this seemingly unremarkable class. that was the desk he had perched on while playing the eraser game with jinyoung, cutting the erasers into tiny pieces and trying to flick and throw them at mark and jaebum, laughing and high-fiving each other when they yelped.  
  
that was the chair he was sitting on the first time bambam had managed to get tzuyu to smile, with a cringingly and unrepeatably cheesy astronomy-related pick-up line. when jackson had asked bambam where he had found something so gross later, bambam just said mysteriously, _you can find all sorts of things on google_.  
  
that was the aged, untuned piano on which rongzai had played chopin waltzes and the self-composed sonatas youqian had inspired him to write, quietly humming the melodies as rongzai transcribed them into hastily scrawled musical notes on manuscript paper.  
  
here was the very spot that jackson had been standing another tuesday afternoon when rongzai began playing an astonishingly haunting and beautiful interpretation of yiruma's kiss the rain, making all the members stop in the middle of whatever they were doing to appreciate the sheer magic of the music for a few minutes.  
  
jackson had turned in mark's direction, his eyes seeking him out instinctively. but when he turned, mark was already looking at him, tears trembling in his eyes, such an expanse of longing in his smile that it took jackson's breath away.  
  
that was the blackboard where he had approached mark after that lecture on extraterrestrial life he gave, before everything began. on that day, mark had said reproachfully, _don't scare me like that_ , but now jackson knows that what he had really been thinking was, _he's just one kiss away_.  
  
jackson feels the sudden, overwhelming longing to return to those halcyon salad days when the two of them had been falling for each other, but were too young to know it yet. but then he looks at mark, his dear face, the curve of his smile jackson has now mapped against his own lips, and thinks, _nah_. he wouldn't exchange the present for anything in the world.  
  
and this, here, was the place where they had forged friendships that would last a lifetime, and spent the last two unforgettable years.  
  
  
  
this classroom is like a treasure trove of memories, a photograph album drenched in sepia sunshine. jackson glances over at mark, and sees the same bittersweet thoughts in his soft eyes.  
  
a year ago, jackson had thought that he might be developing an interest in astronomy.  
  
he _knows_ so now.  
  
because for him, the astronomy club has become so much more than an extra-curricular activity. it has come to symbolize friendship, becoming inextricably tangled with romance and all the other members, of different ages and ethnicities but sharing the same warm-heartedness and passion about stars. like the stars sprinkled across the night sky, they only emitted a weak light on their own, but together, their combined light was enough to illuminate the entire world.  
  
from something that he had participated in halfheartedly, tuesdays at the club have become an essential part of his week now. he can no longer imagine his life without them. it would be much duller, he guesses. much less happier, definitely.  
  
if he hadn't met jinyoung who asked jackson to accompany him to the club, would he still have met mark?  
  
almost certainly, jackson thinks. maybe they would've met in detention, and he would be that annoying _xuedi_ who kept disturbing mark by passing him paper notes. or maybe they would've met on the bus when mark's bicycle broke down, jackson falling ungracefully into mark's lap when the bus braked suddenly. or maybe they would've met at the ice cream truck, jackson greedily ordering two scoops before finding out that he didn't have enough money. mark would've laughed and paid for him generously.  
  
or maybe they would've just been two schoolmates, strangers who bypassed each other along the anonymous school corridors countless times until they heard snatches about each other through the grapevine, finding out each other's names. but even then, jackson is sure that there would still be that flicker, that spark between them that lit up mark's eyes like a shooting star every time their gazes touched. it was a bone-deep recognition, a sense of familiarity like deja vu from a past life. there's something so unaccountably safe and comforting about being near mark. like coming home, at last.  
  
  
  
later, they take the train home again, leaving mark's bicycle shackled up at school. this time, mark is the one who falls asleep on jackson's shoulder.  
  
jackson smiles affectionately and pulls mark's head down gently to rest in the hollow between his jaw and shoulder, and tries to hold still. he must be tired out from how hard he's been studying. the even, regular push-pull of mark's breaths soft and warm against his skin is a lullaby that jackson cannot resist.  
  
when he startles awake to the disembodied announcer's voice, it's the end of the line. mark is awake and smiling at him sleepily, looking as calm and steady as he had a year ago, as if nothing in the world could daunt him.  
  
as they step out of the closed station, mark takes his hand carefully.  
  
"can i spend the night at yours?" he peeks up through his eyelashes shyly, and jackson laughs and nods, hailing a taxi.  
  
  
  
mark and jaebum graduate in november, and jackson and jinyoung attend their graduation ceremony sitting in the audience with the other students and watching mark and jaebum awkwardly cross the stage in hat and robes, receiving their high school diploma and shaking hands with the principal.  
  
jinyoung wipes a stray tear of pride and happiness from his eyes and cheers jaebum's korean name so loudly that his voice cracks and grows hoarse. jaebum is smiling so hugely they can see the happy crescents of his eyes from the audience, not looking the least bit embarrassed by jinyoung's disgraceful behavior at all. jackson figures that must be true love.  
  
later, after mark and jaebum are ambushed by their doting parents and have snapped about fifty photos each with their families, they finally manage to extricate themselves and return to jackson and jinyoung who are hovering at the edge of the crowd.  
  
jinyoung promptly links his arm into the crook of jaebum's, chattering a mile a minute while jackson and mark hang back, more reserved.  
  
jackson hungrily drinks mark in. mark looks strikingly handsome in his graduation robes, even with the ridiculous hat on his head. he clutches the tube containing his certificate, looking pleased and relieved and ready to leave high school life behind. jackson feels a pang of envy, a pang of worry. does the things that mark plans to leave behind include him?  
  
but then mark's mother rushes up, her digital camera poised and ready. "jackson, thanks for coming!" she gushes. "can you let auntie take a photograph of both of you?"  
  
"sure, auntie," jackson flashes his teeth in an angelic smile that makes mark stifle an amused snort. jackson elbows him but as mrs tuan clicks the shutter, he is surprised by mark boldly pulling him into a sideways hug with his arm draped proprietarily around jackson's shoulder, strong and firm, anchoring jackson in the crook of his arm, flashing the peace sign with his other hand.  
  
mark's mother coos over the photograph. "perfect!" she pronounces. mark smirks at jackson impishly and doesn't release him from the armlock until his mother leaves.  
  
  
  
at the end of jackson and jinyoung's second year, they join mark and jaebum on their graduation road trip. jaebum firmly believes that the best place to admire the stars is not an enclosed planetarium or conservatory, but a wide open expanse of land like the beach.

the stars are different at the seaside than the city, he explains to them dreamily. the air is less polluted, so you can see them clearly.  
  
so they rent a battered secondhand honda civic, pack their overnight duffels, and pile in, heading for kaohsiung and stopping by along the way in danshui. on the ride there, they listen to bruce springsteen and the backstreet boys. jinyoung and jackson warble along to the classic songs they grew up listening to and jaebum gamely obliges when jinyoung persuades him to sing. his singing voice surprises them all by being remarkably melodic. jackson tries to coax mark to sing along too but he declines, laughing at them.  
  
when they eventually arrive at their final destination after nearly five hours of driving with mark and jaebum taking turns, they take two rooms at a chalet to spend the night. four would have been more comfortable and spacious, but unfortunately they are on a budget and the rooms are expensive.  
  
  
  
that night, kept awake by the sounds of creaking springs and the headboard banging against the wall, jinyoung's pleasured moans and jaebum's low groans one thin wall away, they eventually give up on sleeping. mark throws open the french doors at the rear of their room that lead onto a wraparound porch that opens straight onto the beach. their feet creak over the water-aged wooden floorboards, sand getting into jackson's flip-flops and between his toes.  
  
mark grabs his hand as he misses a step on the short staircase down from the porch in the dark. he doesn't let go even when they're strolling leisurely down the moonlit beach, jackson stifling a yawn.  
  
they had purchased a six-pack of beer at the convenience store after dinner with mark and jaebum's new IDs, and jinyoung and jaebum had drunk most of it. jackson and mark felt like they should stop them, but they couldn't bear to take even the right to drown their sorrows away from their friends who they knew were facing impending separation.  
  
on the way back to the chalet, jinyoung and jaebum had seemed to lose all their inhibitions, not even caring about jackson and mark's presence as they started making out with an urgency that was painful to witness. jackson understands jinyoung's feelings from what he had confided in him lately, the helplessness and frustration of knowing they are subsisting on borrowed time.  
  
the first day that jinyoung had found out jaebum would be going back to seoul for university, the day jackson had thought mark was the one going to study abroad, he had taken the news badly. they had had a huge, ugly row in jaebum's class, in plain sight of all his classmates, which pretty much meant that jinyoung and jaebum's relationship was no longer a secret too.  
  
but jaebum hadn't seemed to care about anybody else's glances as he pounded the corridor, chasing jinyoung up the staircase and back to jackson and jinyoung's class, pleading with him to give him a chance to explain.  
  
when jinyoung finally agreed to hear him out, jaebum explained to them that his family was moving back to korea because of his father's job, but he had personally decided to go back too because the astrophysics program at seoul university was one of the best in the world. it was an opportunity he couldn't miss out on. he hadn't told jinyoung yet because he was wondering how and couldn't bear to break it to him, but he hadn't expected mark to unintentionally leak the news first.  
  
hearing this, jinyoung had eventually softened. he knew how passionate jaebum was about astronomy and couldn't expect him to give up his future for jinyoung. so jinyoung had told jaebum to go ahead and pursue his dreams and not worry about him because he would always be behind jaebum, following his footsteps and trying tirelessly to catch up and he would never give up. moved to tears, jaebum had promised to return after university and asked jinyoung if he would wait for him.  
  
his face crumpled when jinyoung replied _no_ , looking positively crushed. but jinyoung smiled through his tears and said, _no, hyung, wait for_ me. _i'll join you there in a year's time_.  
  
  
  
so jackson wasn't surprised when jinyoung and jaebum stopped staggering drunkenly on the way back to the chalet and started kissing passionately on the street, sucking each other's faces and clawing at each other's clothes like they had something to prove, like they were making up for time not yet lost.  
  
mark had turned away, looking embarrassed. jackson felt the air between them grow a few degrees hotter too, not accustomed to public displays of affection from their two usually placid friends. but they had loyally helped the intoxicated and weaving couple back to their bedroom, dumped them inside and locked the door behind them before they heaved a sigh of relief and returned to their own room. only to be rudely disturbed by the aforementioned graphic sounds minutes later.  
  
  
  
after walking a distance down the shoreline, the waves lapping gently at their feet, jackson's legs start to feel tired. he's still pleasantly buzzed and tipsy from the alcohol, even though he hadn't drank much. it was his first time drinking a whole can of beer by himself.  
  
mark seems to be intending to head for the pier in the distance, but when he senses that jackson is tired, he immediately asks him solicitously if he wants to rest.  
  
"no, it's okay!" jackson says quickly. "i can rest when we get there." but mark insists that they sit down on the sand and catch their breath before they continue walking.  
  
he settles down, dragging jackson with him onto the soft, cool sand. the silvery grains glow iridescent in the effervescent moonlight, glittering like mark's eyes in the dark.  
  
"jia-er," he murmurs, rolling onto his side to face jackson. jackson turns to find mark's mouth just a breath away, and it's the easiest thing in the world to seal their mouths over their already intermingling breaths. mark tastes sweet and bitter, like the cheap alcohol they just drank and jackson thinks he has never tasted anything better.  
  
soon, they are making out on the sand with just as much vigour and hot-blooded intensity as jinyoung and jaebum earlier. loosened by the alcohol, mark seems to have no more hard limits, rutching up jackson's shirt and sliding his hand over the smooth plane of jackson's stomach, tugging at the faint growth of hair leading down to his fly with his fingers. jackson inhales sharply and grinds his crotch frustratedly against mark's thigh, seeking much needed friction.  
  
his movements are jerky and clumsy with alcohol, and jackson realizes he's practically humping mark's thigh but seems to have lost even the decency to feel embarrassed. mark lets out a low groan and a muffled curse, seeming to lose control too as he grabs jackson's hips and rolls him onto his back. jackson feels mark's strong hands spreading his thighs apart and settling heavily between them, the weight of his lower body pinning jackson to the sand.  
  
he can feel something hard and pulsing between them, unmistakably an erection -- and it's not his. mark is as hard as he is in any of jackson's erotic fantasies and the ridge of his dick presses against jackson's stomach, brushing against his own aching cock as mark shifts lower, then digging into jackson's thigh. jackson lets slip a loud, wanton moan. mark instantly covers his mouth with his own, muffling him, his lips moving sloppily against jackson's as he ruts against jackson's clothed cock with shallow, dry thrusts. jackson feels the impact reverberate through his body with every roll of mark's hips as he fucks jackson into the sand.  
  
mark's rhythm intensifies to a punshing pace and jackson feels him quickening, before coming with a shudder that wracks his whole body. jackson feels a familiar heat spreading through his groin too, and the wet stickiness of relief dampening his underwear.  
  
he's probably drunk -- he hasn't been drunk before so he doesn't know the symptoms but his head is spinning and his brain swimming. mark seems drunker than he looks too. jackson can't believe what they just did. their laboured breathing sounds dreadfully deafening in the midnight hush. mark tears his lips away from jackson's mouth, their slick pink lustre making jackson's cock twitch in his pants again with an insatiable hunger.  
  
mark is blinking slowly, shaking his head and seeming unable to formulate a full sentence. either the alcohol has just hit him, or he's pretending to be drunk because he doesn't want to face up to what they just did. either way, jackson doesn't regret it.  
  
mark clumsily clambers out from between his legs, over his thigh, and rolls onto his back on the sand beside jackson. "jia-er --" mark starts, but jackson doesn't hear the rest of what he says because his heavy eyelids have given in to the pull of gravity.  
  
  
  
when jackson wakes up, the sun is a cracked-open egg yolk on the horizon spilling rose pink and orange over the clouds and his head is pillowed on mark's bicep.  
  
when he turns to look up, confused, their lips are a hair's breadth away again and the events of the previous night abruptly flood back to him.  
  
jackson feels his face turning the colour of the sunrise as he jerks up into a sitting position.  
  
"what's wrong?" mark asks, pushing himself up on his elbows too and creasing his brow in concern.  
  
"you -- i --" jackson stammers.  
  
mark sighs, sounding long-suffering. "jia-er," he says patiently. "can we just... skip the awkwardness for once?"  
  
"what?" jackson croaks.  
  
even though mark said that, his cheekbones are dusted faintly pink. or maybe it's just the sunrise reflected on his face.  
  
mark answers slowly, "i don't know... every time after we kiss or do intimate stuff, we wind up being awkward and avoiding each other for some time after that. can we just... skip over that part this time?"  
  
"skip over?" jackson repeats incredulously. he doesn't know what mark is getting at. it's not like awkwardness is something one can _choose_ not to feel.  
  
but then... jackson catches sight of mark's smile, tranquil and composed despite the nervous flicker in his eyes, and thinks twice.

maybe it is that easy. as easy as deciding that this time, he won't feel awkward or embarrassed about anything they did, and as if by magic, jackson feels his awkwardness and humiliation ebbing away.  
  
mark looks surprised when jackson reclines gingerly on the sand again, resting his head on mark's arm. but he shifts to make jackson more comfortable, stroking his hair soothingly and looking pleased.  
  
"you're really different," jackson remarks, studying him closely.  
  
mark frowns in confusion. "what?"  
  
"since you turned eighteen," jackson clarifies. "you seem more... mature."  
  
mark's lip twitches, an eyebrow rising lazily. "you think i'm mature?" there's a teasing, flirtatious note in his voice. jackson can't believe excruciatingly, agonizingly shy mark tuan is hitting on him.  
  
"don't flatter yourself." he hits mark lightly, hoping it isn't obvious how attractive he finds mark's smirk.  
  
mark laughs, curling his hand around jackson's shoulder and pulling him back into the crook of his arm. he cradles jackson in his arms as they watch the sun rising to its final position in the sky, which has lightened to the blue of robins' eggs, a few cumulus clouds drifting indolently across.  
  
"so..." jackson says conversationally, realizing it with a start. "we never made it to the pier."  
  
mark's chest rumbles with laughter under his ear. "it's okay," he says softly. "we still have tonight."  
  
  
  
true to his word, they make it to the end of the pier that night, this time feeling less inebriated and able to appreciate the beauty of the unpolluted sky. the stars really do look much brighter out here, jackson thinks as he settles down beside mark with a contented sigh at the end of the deserted pier.  
  
mark has brought a blanket this time to lay down on the grimy and hard concrete, and another warm fleece coverlet, knowing from the night before that the temperature would drop. when they start kissing later, jackson is more gutsy, emboldened by how far mark had let him get the night before as his hand wanders up mark's shirt, then down north.  
  
mark stops jackson when he starts fumbling with his belt buckle, with a gentle but firm hand.  
  
"why?" jackson groans in frustration. "i know you want it too." he trails his fingers over the sliver of skin between mark's belt and the hem of his shirt, and hears mark try to get his breathing under control.  
  
"i do," mark doesn't deny it. "but i told you i'm not going to lay a finger on you until you turn eighteen."  
  
" _why?!_ " jackson repeats petulantly, like a spoilt child.  
  
mark smiles, his voice husky. "because you're the most important person in the world to me, and i don't want to do anything to hurt you."  
  
the words silence jackson, and he turns to see the starlight dancing along mark's sincere pupils, stealing his breath away.  
  
  
  
for the rest of the night, they do what they drove all the way to kaohsiung to -- mark points out the constellations to jackson, teaching him how to recognize them and pick them out of the multitude of stars. ursa minor, dorado and _beijixing_ \-- polaris. and orion's belt, an asterism of the constellation of orion.  
  
gradually, the topic drifts to the future.  
  
"what are you going to study in university?" jackson asks curiously. he had wondered what major and minor mark would choose.  
  
mark hums thoughtfully, pillowing his hands behind his head.  
  
"in my ideal world, i would major in astrophysics. but there are few opportunities for a practical career in that field."  
  
"you're not going to give up on astronomy, are you...?"  
  
"of course not. it'll always be my most beloved hobby."  
  
"but...?"  
  
"but... there are things i want to work for. practical things. like an apartment. i want to move out and live alone."  
  
"why do you want an apartment?"  
  
"... because i want to live with you, as soon as possible."  
  
"..."  
  
"... only if you're willing, that is..."  
  
"i..."  
  
"would you like to live together... after you graduate?"  
  
"... i would like that more than anything in the world."  
  
  
  
the three of them meet at the airport on a gusty day in december to send jaebum off. as they stand in the viewing gallery and watch the planes take off and land against the backdrop of the dappled grey sky, jackson remembers the paper airplanes they had folded just a little more than a year ago, not knowing that so soon one of them would be boarding a real one.  
  
that rooftop, that club room; those spaces had seemed so self-contained, a tiny universe upon themselves that they never expected they would have to leave someday. like jaebum's galaxy model, an entire world contained within a small space. but they should've known that their dreams would scatter them apart someday, take them away to bigger, different worlds.  
  
all of a sudden, jaebum turns to face jinyoung without warning, getting down on one knee.  
  
"what are you doing?" jinyoung hisses, glancing around anxiously at the stares they are attracting.  
  
jaebum doesn't seem to notice or care, instead taking jinyoung's hand and sliding a silver band he produces from his pocket onto jinyoung's ring finger.  
  
jinyoung brings his hand to his mouth, choking back a gasp.  
  
"can i tell you a story?" jaebum starts quietly. "six years ago, i was a first year in junior high. i was a transfer student from korea, a foreigner in a country far away from home. i wore nerdy glasses, spoke terrible chinese, and was painfully shy. all i cared about was astronomy.  
  
i felt lonely, hopeless and depressed. i was homesick. i thought i would never be happy in taiwan.  
  
but then, in my second year, another korean student entered the school. a first year. at first, he attracted my attention because he was the only other korean and foreign student in the school. but for the subsequent five years, i couldn't look away from him for a single second because he shone so brightly that i couldn't see anything else.  
  
he motivated me to study harder, to practice my chinese to perfection. everything i did was in the hope that he would notice me -- scoring top grades, campaigning to be head prefect.  
  
but when he finally did, it was four years later, in my second year of senior high. he walked into the astronomy club where i was vice-president, and it was all i could do to pretend not to know him, all i could do not to say..."  
  
jaebum pauses, rising to his full height and gazing deeply into jinyoung's eyes. he says tenderly, "i don't know what we can be in the future... boyfriends? husbands...? the only thing i know for sure is that i want to be together. jinyoung-ah, will you be mine, forever?"  
  
"yes! oh my god, yes," jinyoung is sobbing, tears flowing unchecked down his cheeks. he flings his arms around jaebum, who looks unable to believe his good luck, his eyes smiling shut. the crowd around them seems unsure whether to look scandalized or burst into applause.  
  
in the end, they settle for the latter.  
  
  
  
the last boarding call plays over the pa system. they trudge to the gates reluctantly, jinyoung clutching jaebum's boarding pass and still sniffling occasionally, his cheeks flushed and eyes red-rimmed.  
  
jackson thinks of how these two years, he and jinyoung had thought they were chasing after mark and jaebum, not knowing that in truth they were the ones being looked after, being taken care of.  
  
"all this time?" jackson whispers to mark, his voice hushed with marvelment.  
  
when mark smiles and nods softly, his eyes crinkling, jackson isn't sure if he's talking about jaebum or himself.


	6. Chapter 6

**year 3, fall**  
  
the cherry blossoms drift down from the trees outside the school gate as jackson walks through on the first morning of senior year, pausing for a brief moment to tilt his face up, feel the light breeze on his skin and admire the china blue of the sky. it seems like only yesterday; that day exactly two years ago when he had opened his eyes to the clinking of bicycle chains to see mark standing there with stricken eyes, looking breathtaking with cherry blossoms swirling down around him. maybe at that moment, jackson had already subconsciously fallen for him.  
  
he sees a few stray freshmen here and there among the students filing in, recognizable from the mixture of uncertainty and lost-sheep look in their eyes. it's hard to believe that he had been so young and impressionable once, his whole high school life ahead of him. jackson smiles encouragingly at one of them, a shy-looking bespectacled girl, who promptly trips over her shoelaces and blushes vigorously.  
  
he suppresses a laugh and wonders if he looks as cool to her as mark had that first day of freshman year. way cooler, probably, jackson thinks unselfconsciously, slicking back his sideburns and swaggering into school. jinyoung is waiting for him in class.  
  
  
  
jinyoung looks like a drowning man clutching at a lifebuoy when jackson walks into their new classroom on the first storey. they've waited two whole years for the privileges of being seniors, the most coveted one not needing to climb up one to two flights of stairs to get to their classroom. jackson sees the inseparable mixture of relief and bittersweet nostalgia in jinyoung's eyes, and feels a pang in his chest.  
  
"cool entrance," jinyoung jokes as he unslings his bag and settles down on the chair next to him. jackson laughs appreciatively at his inside joke, and jinyoung finally relaxes.  
  
  
  
aside from the obvious privileges and respect accorded to them for being the oldest batch of students, they soon learn that senior year isn't going to be much fun. their teachers sternly lecture them about the importance of keeping their grades up if they want to get into good colleges and extol remedial classes and after-school study groups for lagging students. all in all, it's a sober and subdued mood that hangs over them as they trudge to the cafeteria together finally during recess.  
  
thankfully, they are saved from another wave of emptiness when they walk up to their usual picnic table to see it already occupied by bambam, youqian and rongzai. youqian and rongzai are giggling about something breathlessly, in their own world, while bambam is looking around the courtyard eagerly with what they can predictably guess is excitement to see tzuyu after the long holidays.  
  
" _xuezhang_!" bambam calls shrilly when he spots them, lighting up. his energy is infectious and jackson grudgingly cheers up, ruffling his hair as he swings his leg over the bench gracelessly and sits down, throwing the bag of buns he had purchased with jinyoung at the canteen. "treat for you guys," he says carelessly, and the three youngest immediately chorus their thanks and dig in enthusiastically.  
  
youqian and rongzai are more reserved, but they offer jackson and jinyoung sympathetic and encouraging smiles and jackson thinks that maybe they have an inkling of their mixed emotions. rongzai looks a little bummed too. he had always had a soft spot for jaebum in particular because jaebum spoiled him more than any of the juniors.  
  
  
  
at dismissal, though, jackson checks his phone and brightens to see what he has been hoping for all day. _one new message from mark baobao_ , the notification reads. jackson's face aches with a dopey grin as he clicks it open at once.  
  
he blinks to see what looks like a snail in a small cardboard box. _look what i found on the way back from school_ , the text reads.  
  
jackson laughs out loud, elbowing jinyoung to take a look. it's so typical for mark to randomly rescue a snail along the sidewalk while cycling home. jackson can imagine too vividly him nearly crushing the fragile snail's shell with his bicycle tires, and feeling stricken with guilt as he crouched down to check if it was okay, picking it up with gentle hands and placing it in an abandoned cardboard box he found nearby.  
  
because mark is that kind of shoujo manga male lead who doesn't exist in real life, the kind who rescues abandoned animals by the roadside, stray puppies and kittens and takes them in. a snail, though? jackson snickers and shakes his head, but whacks jinyoung's arm when he crows with laughter. he's the only one allowed to laugh at mark.  
  
_cute_ , jackson texts back, tongue in cheek. _have you reached home?_  
  
his phone vibrates in less than a minute. _yes_ , it reads simply with a smiley face, and jackson feels a pang of disappointment. not that he had expected mark to ask to meet up today or anything. he understands that mark must be tired out from the first day of school and busy with things to settle.  
  
  
  
but as he is walking out of the school gates with jinyoung, he stops in his tracks to see mark standing on the sidewalk, leaning against his bicycle, a sheepish smile on his face.  
  
"surprise," he mumbles shyly when jackson walks up, and jackson laughs in genuine delight and throws his arms around mark in a hug that makes him stagger back, careless of the onlookers.  
  
taking pity on jinyoung who looks envious of their ability to meet up so easily and pitifully lonely, mark locks his bicycle to the school rack and they set off on foot, then by bus to have a late lunch in the city. while chomping on crispy fried pork cutlets, mark reports to them the highlights of his first day at university.  
  
his voice sounds uncharacteristically animated as he rambles about his new lessons and classes and school, and jackson feels a twinge of longing. he knows he should be happy for mark that he's adjusting well to his new school, but jackson can't help wishing they were taking this leap together. sometimes the one year gap between them feels more like ten.  
  
  
  
gradually though, as time passes, jackson starts getting used to mark and jaebum no longer being in the same school as them. although he can't see the heart-throbbing sight of mark looking boyish in his scruffy, untucked school uniform anymore, jackson's not insensitive enough not the be grateful that he's still just one phone call, one bus ride away. unlike jaebum.  
  
on his part, jinyoung is being a trooper too, keeping his spirits upbeat and regaining his cheerful self after a few weeks of looking forlorn. jackson knows that he chats with jaebum on facetime, line and kakaotalk daily and they have to make do with this long-distance relationship.  
  
part of the credit of jackson's smooth adaptation to his third year has to go to mark, who seems to sense jackson's innermost feelings with startling sensitivity even though he doesn't say anything. even though jackson knows mark must be having a tough time himself trying to adjust to life as a university student, he always hides his tiredness and stress when he sees jackson, putting on a reassuring and sweet smile.  
  
  
  
they've been together for nearly half a year now, but everything still makes jackson think of mark. on rainy days, the smell of rain makes him think of mark in the club room draping his jacket over jackson's shoulders as they listened to ballads together, his smile soulful. on sunny days, when jackson walks to the ice cream truck to get a cone of ice cream alone, he remembers mark holding his hand carefully like it was the most precious thing in the world and leading jackson down the avenue sheltered by the ceiling of overlapping cypress trees, the sunlight shimmering through the leaves.  
  
he takes a selca of himself with the cone, sending it to mark.  
  
his phone vibrates in a minute. he laughs to see that mark is learning to use line stickers and emoticons. _eat one for me too_ , his message says cutely.  
  
_i miss you_.  
  
_it doesn't taste the same without you_ , jackson texts in reply.  
  
_i miss you too_.  
  
  
  
jackson hasn't been in a relationship before, but he thinks it's about time they moved on from their puppy crush days of giddy infatuation. and yet, he still finds his thoughts filled with mark, consumed by him.  
  
if anything, his feelings for mark seem to grow each and every day, as he gets to know him better, even though jackson had thought he couldn't possibly like him a single bit more, that his heart couldn't contain a little bit more adoration. instead, it swells to accomodate these burgeoning emotions with a capacity he hadn't known he possessed.  
  
_i am crazy in love with you_ , jackson thinks, looking at the lockscreen of his phone, which is mark's selca from his birthday of him wearing his earring in bed. mark looks so young there, his hair still black. he had dyed it back to blonde again when he entered university, taking advantage of the more lenient dress code. it's not exactly the same shade as the smoke-silver strands from the second day they met, but a white-blonde that makes him look like an ethereal angel.  
  
he still can't bring himself to say the words that mark said on his eighteenth birthday back, even though he means them with all his heart. it's like there's a dam in his throat they're stuck behind. it's nothing new, because jackson has never been good at sappy confessions. even to his parents, he blanches at the thought of saying the cheesy three words to them.  
  
mark doesn't seem to mind, but jackson sometimes wonders if mark thinks the reason for jackson's non-response is that he is uncertain of his feelings. he hopes not.  
  
  
  
jackson likes carding his hands through mark's silken, flaxen locks, feeling them sift between his fingers as mark kisses him slow and deep. he likes the way mark tangles his fingers in jackson's hair in return, tugging and twisting lightly when he gets too passionately absorbed in the kiss, his large hands cradling the back of jackson's head tenderly.  
  
(not that jackson's hands are small. when he cups mark's small face with his palms they seem flatteringly big in comparison and jackson likes that, likes the way mark's smile is huger than his face just like his heart is huger than he knows what to do with it.)  
  
in an ideal universe, jackson would be smooth and slick and eloquent, knowing exactly how to put his feelings and mark's beautiful qualities into words. he would be tall and devastatingly handsome and powerful, sweeping mark off his feet and making him blush the way jackson does when mark laughs that breathless high-pitched laugh, eyes sparkling at him.  
  
but in this one, he's imperfect and shorter than he would like. because of fencing his thighs are disproportionately muscled in his opinion and he's nowhere near good-looking.  
  
but the way mark looks at jackson... sometimes, it makes him feel that he's just right. absolutely perfect exactly the way he is, flaws and insecurities and all.  
  
as perfect as mark.  
  
  
  
"why'd you bleach your hair again?" jackson asks mark one afternoon when he had specially dropped by the school after dismissal to fetch jackson home on his bicycle. on the way back along a particularly deserted and windswept path, they had disembarked and mark had pressed jackson up against a tree and kissed him so worshipfully jackson had to fight for breath.  
  
mark lets out an almost pained-sounding exhale, dark eyelashes thrown across his cheekbones as he closes his eyes at jackson's touch. when he opens them, jackson's heart misses a beat at the glitter in them.  
  
"didn't you say you liked it, back then?" mark replies softly, his eyes glinting with amusement.  
  
jackson abruptly recalls the careless note he had tossed to mark out of boredom in detention. he can't believe mark had actually bleached his hair twice just because of one throwaway remark from jackson.  
  
"i'm going to dye my hair too when i start university," he whispers, stroking mark's fairy-white tresses, but mark doesn't look happy with the idea.  
  
"i don't want you to." he wrinkles his nose, and jackson laughs, tweaking it. "why?"  
  
mark blushes faintly. "you attract too much attention already," he mumbles, burying his face in the crook of jackson's shoulder and sucking a mark into his collarbone.  
  
  
  
when he walks into the club room one tuesday a few weeks into the first term, jackson almost expects to see mark sitting on a desk in a rectangle of sunlight slanting through the window, looking up from the shounen manga he's reading and smiling welcomingly at jackson.  
  
instead, he sees bambam horsing and clowning around trying to attract tzuyu's attention while she and the rest of the club pay him no mind. youqian and rongzai are messing around on the piano as usual, a discordant chord ringing out from beneath youqian's fingers as he accidentally applies weight on his hand when he looks up at their arrival, distracted. the rest of the members are mooching around leisurely in their own little groups, some doing homework and revision and the more enthusiastic few actually holding astronomy-related discussions.  
  
although the rest of the members have tried their utmost to make up for jaebum and mark's absence, knowing that jackson and jinyoung miss them sorely, it's not the same. when jackson steps onto the podium to take attendance, it's halfheartedly and when jinyoung opens his laptop and launches into the slideshow about the big bang and universe theory they have prepared about today's meeting, it's with much less conviction than jaebum's impassioned speeches.  
  
the more they try to ignore it, to pretend it's not there, the more obvious it is that mark and jaebum's absence is a hole that no one else can fill. no one else was really as passionate about astronomy as them, as knowledgeable.  
  
  
  
just when jinyoung's voice is tapering off uncertainly as jackson misses a slide and is fumbling to find it again, familiar footsteps make his breath hitch in his throat.  
  
disbelievingly, jackson looks up to see mark standing in the doorway of the classroom, looking like a dream and smiling straight at him.  
  
"mark-hyung!" jinyoung shrieks in surprise, breaking the astounded silence of all the members, and then they all rush forward in a stampede to pile over him in a haphazard group hug.  
  
when jackson finally sees mark again, he is smiling so widely his eyes crinkle into crescents, his cheeks flushed with moved delight at the warm welcome. all the members look emotional with missing and thrilled to see him.  
  
the people between them fall away, and jackson takes tentative steps towards mark, afraid he will burst into bubbles like an apparition.

"what are you doing here?" he whispers in wonder.  
  
mark laughs sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "i finished classes early, so i thought i'd drop by to see how things were going."

his eyes flicker to the powerpoint presentation on the projector screen, then clear with comprehension as he seems to read jackson's ineptitude and helplessness like a book.  
  
"go take a break," he leans in to whisper into jackson's ear, his fingers sliding down jackson's arm and loosening the slides from his grasp. "i'll take over from here."  
  
after holding a low consultation with jinyoung for a few seconds, mark sends him to sit down too with a pat on his back and takes over the presentation seamlessly. jackson watches spellbound mark's shadow thrown onto the projector screen, larger than life, solid and assuring. his chest soars. mark is back, and jackson doesn't feel hollow anymore.  
  
  
  
subsequently, mark starts dropping in more often on tuesday afternoons to sit in on their club meetings as a mentor. he gets special permission from the school to oversee their sessions as a consultant and ex-president and their meetings seem to regain their usual animated magic again.  
  
even though jaebum isn't around, mark tries his best to fill up the empty spaces. the earnestness in his eyes touches jackson. since mark started the club from scratch, he and jaebum have given up so much for the club. it's their lifeblood, their sweat and hard work, and jackson vows to protect it better from now on.  
  
after meetings, mark will usually walk jackson to his locker to get his books and then set home at a leisurely pace. walking alongside jackson in his plain clothes down the corridor, mark seems more grown-up somehow. once, when the hallway is deserted, mark boldly crowds jackson against the very same locker they had kissed at the last time.  
  
but this time, the way he kisses jackson is soft and sweet and achingly tender. jackson tastes an apology in the gentle and hesitant probing of mark's tongue, the wordless and flannel-soft warmth in his eyes as he gazes into jackson's, deepening the kiss. it's as if he wants to do over the kiss from last year, replace the memories with a better and happier one. jackson tightens his grasp in the collar of mark's shirt and kisses back hard enough to say _i forgive you_.  
  
this time, when jackson opens his eyes again, the corridor is still empty and it's only mark looking down indulgently at him, his eyes like galaxies jackson could lose his way in.  
  
  
  
he shamelessly borrows mark's ipod for long stretches of time, like a dog hogging a chew toy or peeing to mark its territory. listening to mark's numerous playlists for every occasion, jackson somehow feels his presence, even when he's not beside him. he falls asleep to jay chou singing silence and wakes up in the middle of the night, throat parched and disoriented.  
  
the halogen glow of the ipod screen makes him blink and squint in the darkness of his bedroom as he unlocks the screen. mark had changed the wallpaper finally in january, the same picture that sits in a photo frame proudly displayed on jackson's beside table. it's the group photograph the four of them had taken the day they sent jaebum off at the airport in december. in it, jaebum and jinyoung are smiling dazzlingly but their eyes are filled with the shadow of impending heartbreak, and mark and jackson have their arms slung sloppily around each other's shoulders, flashing peace signs like the bestest dude bros. jackson chokes back a shaky laugh and runs his thumb over the miniscule thumbnail of mark's smiling face.  
  
after scrolling and exploring idly for a few more minutes, he finds a playlist simply entitled _jackson_. curious, he clicks it open.

there's only a single song inside, one love by loveholic. jackson has never heard it before.  
  
when he plays it, though, he falls in love at first listen.  
  
  
  
when he returns the ipod to mark, he casually asks about the playlist and is surprised to see mark turn red and start stuttering nervously.  
  
"um... er... it's nothing, just a song i wanted to introduce to you."  
  
"oh..." jackson hums, frowning.  
  
mark beats a hasty retreat, throwing a flimsy excuse over his shoulder and leaves jackson standing there alone more puzzled than ever.  
  
  
  
after he turned eighteen, mark's physique changes and matures subtly, losing his baby fat, his upper body filling out and shoulders growing noticeably broader. faint shadows darken his undereyes and jackson worries that he's overworking himself. he knows that mark had taken over jaebum's duties at the planetarium, working full-time during the summer vacation and part-time during the school term. not only does mark see it as his duty as a friend to jaebum to do his job as well as jaebum did, jackson also knows better than anybody that mark is working hard for their future.  
  
he feels spoiled and idle and indulgent, not doing a thing to contribute to their shared savings while mark is working his ass off but mark staunchly refuses to let him take up any part-time job during his senior year.  
  
"you have to do well," he says softly, pinching jackson's cheek gently. "otherwise, how are you going to get into my university?"  
  
jackson doesn't protest. it had already sapped all his energy to convince mark that he wanted to attend the same university as him, not out of an impulsive and reckless decision made because of romantic feelings but because it has a reputable fencing team and the major jackson wants to study.  
  
thankfully, he had managed to finally convince mark that jackson's decision was made in the best interests of his future and not just to be near mark for another three years. well, jackson might have been a little less than honest on this point, but he figures that a little white lie is worth it if he can spend another three years with mark. another three years in paradise.  
  
  
  
mark moves into his new apartment a few months into the start of the year. it's the size of a postage stamp, a cramped and slightly dingy rental, but mark's eyes shine as if he can see their love nest in the chipped tiles and faded off-white walls covered with peeling wallpaper.  
  
on the first day, after mark is done with all the heavy lifting and exhausted from moving crates and boxes, jinyoung and jackson shoo him out on an errand so they can set up for his housewarming party.  
  
once he's gone, they excitedly unpack the can of fresh paint, brushes and materials they had purchased from the home decorating shop. they completely refurbish mark's bedroom, brightening up the dull interior with cheap secondhand lava lamps they scavenged from thrift shop and a patchwork blanket youqian's mother had generously donated, spreading it over his bed.  
  
next, jackson climbs up precariously on a ladder with jinyoung holding the bottom steady and paints the whole ceiling prussian blue, so it looks like the viewing room at the planetarium they had gone to, opening up directly to the night sky.  
  
after the paint dries, he painstakingly pastes the more than fifty glow-in-the-dark star stickers they had bought in the shape of a wishbone, adding a sickle moon in the corner as a final touch.  
  
when they are finally done, the result looks magnificent. jinyoung sighs in satisfaction as they draw the curtains and turn off the lights, the glow-in-the-dark stickers emitting their faint golden-white glow in the dimness of the room.  
  
  
  
after they clear up the waste and remaining materials, jinyoung gets a call and unexpectedly bails on jackson, making him protest shrilly, "what about the housewarming party?"  
  
jinyoung looks over at the bags of groceries and junk food on the dining table and shrugs. "we didn't buy many perishables anyway. you can keep the rest in the fridge."  
  
"park jinyoung," jackson growls, "i swear, if you're trying to pull some trick --"  
  
but jinyoung is all angelic smiles and sincere apologies. "it was jaebum-hyung who called, and he's only free to skype me this evening."  
  
jackson can hardly detain him, even though he feels awkward waiting for mark alone in his house which suddenly feels much bigger and more vacant than it had initially seemed.  
  
  
  
when mark gets back with the pizza they sent him to buy, he looks confused to see only jackson waiting for him in the house forlornly flicking through tv channels.  
  
"where's jinyoung?" he asks, setting the box on the dining table.  
  
"gone," jackson says flatly. "he had to leave first. i guess it's just us."  
  
he's slightly offended by the way mark blanches. sure, it would have been more fun with three of them, but after jackson thought it over, he had realized he wouldn't mind a solitary night alone with mark either. they hadn't had spent time together for awhile.  
  
he switches off the tv and stands up, suddenly feeling unwelcome. "i can go, if you want." he tries to sound offhand and light.  
  
"no!" mark blurts out immediately, grabbing his elbow. his eyes are wide as if he thinks jackson will insist on leaving.  
  
jackson sits down on the couch again, feeling a little relieved but still unsure. his stomach is churning and he can't imagine feeling hungry for pizza right now.  
  
mark's grip loosens on his arm, and trails up his bicep with a featherlight touch that makes goosebumps rise on jackson's skin. his body tingles.  
  
mark traces a path up his shoulder, to his jaw, turning his hand over to graze his knuckles over jackson's cheekbones.  
  
"you have paint on your face," he says softly, bringing it down to show jackson the smudge on the back of his hand.  
  
jackson flushes, shifting away a little. "y-yeah, we painted your bedroom. do you want to see?"  
  
"sure," mark says, moving closer again easily, his smile ambiguous in the half-light.  
  
jackson feels him trailing at his heels as he leads the way to mark's bedroom. when he turns the knob to open the door, mark inhales audibly.  
  
  
  
he takes apprehensive steps in, neck craned to take in the panorama above.  
  
"jia-er," he murmurs in wonder. "it's beautiful."  
  
jackson feels a warm glow swelling in his heart. "you like it?"  
  
without warning, mark turns around, eyes glowing like the stars, and lifts jackson off his feet, swinging him around in a dizzy, breathless circle. jackson doesn't even have time to shriek.  
  
"i love it," he whispers, pressing a kiss to the corner of jackson's mouth. "thank you."  
  
jackson blushes with pleasure as mark sets him back down again, muttering self-deprecatingly, "it's no big deal. jinyoung helped a lot."  
  
"hey, wait," mark objects, frowning. "isn't it a housewarming tradition for newlyweds for the groom to carry the bride over the threshold?"  
  
"we're not newlyweds," jackson counters reflexively, realizing a moment later from mark's devilish smirk that he should've said _i'm not the bride_.  
  
jackson groans as mark ushers him out of the room again. "haven't you got enough of carrying me?" he complains halfheartedly, but is secretly thrilled when mark gathers him up again easily, this time bridal style with his arms below jackson's knees and beneath his arms. he really has grown impressively stronger. the scrawny boy from high school would never have been able to lift jackson up effortlessly like this.  
  
he hears mark's soft panting as he walks slowly into the room, stepping over the threshold ceremoniously with an ironic smile on his face. he kicks the door shut behind them, then carefully lowers jackson down and sets him gently on the bedspread.  
  
jackson feels inexplicably breathless, even though he was the one being carried. after mark has laid him down, he leans over jackson with both arms bracketing jackson's shoulders and for a breathtaking moment jackson thinks that this is it, that mark is going to finally submit to his urges and screw his stupid pact to wait till jackson is eighteen.  
  
but then mark moves back and stands up again, not meeting jackson's eyes as he puts a respectful distance between them. the air in the room suddenly feels a few degrees hotter, a few notches more awkward.  
  
_oh_ , jackson thinks, abruptly realizing that they're completely alone in a tiny room. with only one bed.  
  
he quickly jerks up from his lying position into a sitting posture, avoiding mark's eyes too.  
  
mark hovers by the wall, looking absurdly awkward like he needs jackson's permission to sit down in his own room until jackson finally pats the bed beside him and moves to give mark space.  
  
mark edges forward hesitantly and settles down an arm's length away from him, the narrow bed dipping. jackson absently observes that it would be a tight fit for two people to squeeze into, then blushes at the audacity of his thoughts.  
  
seeming to want to dissipate the heavy tension a little, mark's eyes drift up to the ceiling again. he sighs like jinyoung had, eyes glazing over as he admires the artistry of jackson's self-constructed constellation.  
  
"i've never seen that one before," he says, a note of amusement in his voice. "what's it called?"  
  
jackson's heart lurches at the teasing note deepening mark's voice.  
  
"yi-en," he blurts out jokingly, thoughtlessly, and suddenly mark is looming over him again, his face taking up jackson's entire field of vision, his eyes wide and stark and bruised.  
  
"jackson," mark says hushedly, the two english syllables in his slurring drawl going straight to jackson's dick. then the arm's length between them becomes half, an inch, a centimetre, one breath, and mark is very much in jackson's personal space as jackson frustratedly pushes his the collar of his jacket back over his shoulders, mark's hands pinioning his own shoulders to the hard mattress as he pushes a rough leg impudently between jackson's thighs. jackson rolls his hips down, rubbing against mark's denim-clothed knee, and hears him inhale sharply.  
  
  
  
in the end, they never go all the way. but they do come precariously, thrillingly close, closer than they've ever been before. breaking more rules than mark has ever allowed jackson or himself to break before today.  
  
jackson senses that mark has lost control of himself too, but with an impressive willpower he manages to regain his senses, and they find themselves lying chastely side by side on the bed one hour later, staring up at the ceiling, unable to look at each other without blushing.  
  
to fill the stilted silence, mark deploys his usual distraction tactic -- rambling about stars.  
  
"did you know that when i was really young, i thought that you could reach out and grab the stars from the sky, and bottle them up like a firefly?"  
  
jackson shakes his head, still lost for words.  
  
mark laughs. "the year i was five, that was all i asked for christmas and my birthday. i wanted it more than anything in the world, my own personal star that would shine only for me."  
  
"did you get it?" jackson enquires, interest piqued.  
  
mark pauses, lost in the memories. "nope. i got a playstation instead. but to cheer me up, my father took me aside and told me, _one day, yi-en, someone is going to love you so much they would pluck the moon from the sky for you_."  
  
"and...?"  
  
"i didn't know it was only an analogy until years later. i really believed that one day, i would meet that person who loved me so deeply, it gave them the supernatural power to pluck the moon out of the sky for me."  
  
"i would," jackson says, voice hoarse.  
  
"what?" mark turns to him, eyes wide.  
  
jackson smiles tremulously, raising a trembling hand to mark's face to tuck his hair behind his ear. "i would be willing to spend the rest of my life trying."  
  
mark's eyes melt into liquid, luminous in the dark only broken by the pinpoints of manmade stars on the far-off manmade sky above, like diamond dust. jackson would be mark's sky and he would willingly be the stars that lit up that sky too. he would be everything mark needed, and more.  
  
he thinks of the alchemy of the stars, how they seemed to hold all the secrets of the universe. knowing everything and revealing nothing. all-seeing, all-accepting. he wanted to be that for mark, too, if he could.  
  
  
  
one tuesday afternoon at the end of the club meeting, they bid goodbye to the rest of the members, the six of them setting off separately on an excursion rongzai had invited them on. he's planning to adopt a puppy and they have all agreed to help him pick one out at the local animal shelter.  
  
in the end, they barely need to make more than a round before all their minds are made, surprisingly unanimously. a white maltese, almost tiny enough to fit into a teacup, has stolen all their hearts effortlessly.  
  
"her given name is heart," the pleasant girl working at the animal shelter tells them as she fills out their adoption form. "we found her in a shoebox at the entrance of the shelter on the morning of valentine's day."  
  
" _xin_?" rongzai repeats, sounding out the single chinese syllable, and jackson feels mark opening his palm and tracing the few strokes of the chinese character onto the inside of his hand.  
  
_you're holding my heart in your hands_.  
  
he smiles, closing his fingers over the invisible word, and mark gives him a close-mouthed, secretive answering smile too.  
  
as they walk out, rongzai holding the puppy swaddled like an infant in a layer of blankets carefully and gently in his arms, they discuss whether to keep the name the staff had given.  
  
"maybe something similar, but not exactly the same," rongzai decides.  
  
they throw about a few suggestions, until mark pipes up, "what about coco?"  
  
"coco?" they repeat, trying out the name on their tongues.  
  
mark nods. "derived from _kokoro_. it means heart in japanese."  
  
"it's cute. i like it," rongzai pronounces, a pleased grin spreading over his face. "thanks, _xuezhang_."  
  
mark laughs and ruffles his hair. "you're welcome."  
  
  
  
as mark had named her, they officially christen him her godfather. the gentleness of mark's hands dwarving coco's body and how carefully he handles her as he cradles her against his chest makes something stir deep inside jackson's own chest.  
  
they take turns holding the snuffling and good-natured puppy, their adoration for her growing and expanding as they pass her around. bambam whips out his phone and starts snapping pictures of her in everyone's arm, especially his own. coco is surprisingly more photogenic than any of them, even mark, her limpid eyes peering mournfully into the camera without blinking in every picture.  
  
in this manner, they coo and fuss over her all the way to rongzai's house, where they finally part ways reluctantly after rongzai's doting mother offers them drinks and they decide it's time to let coco rest from her long day and move to a new home.  
  
as they walk back to the bus stop after youqian and bambam have taken the crossroads to the train station, jackson picks some white fur coco had shedded off mark's cotton shirt. it's almost the same colour as mark's hair and for some reason he finds that unbearably adorable.  
  
mark blushes under jackson's ministrations. finding his reaction amusing, jackson deliberately leans closer to take a deep whiff -- partially for his own selfish motives; it's been ages since he last inhaled mark's intoxicating, unique scent and it's foggy in his memory.  
  
instead of the familiar jasmine and vanilla fragrance he expects, though, jackson sniffs something heavier, not unpleasant but musky and _adult_.  
  
"are you wearing cologne?" he yelps, voice a pitch higher than usual.  
  
mark immediately shrinks back, retreating from jackson in a way that makes his heart skip a bewildered and hurt beat.  
  
"y-yeah, just a little," mark hedges evasively, quickening his footsteps towards the bus stop.  
  
in the bus, he sits down beside another passenger, although there are free twin seats available. growing steadily more confused, jackson sinks down on the seat alone and watches the back of mark's head as he stares silently out of the bus window, eyes impenetrable.  
  
mark doesn't get up when jackson gets to his stop, nor does he ask jackson with his usual shyness whether he wants to come over to mark's apartment. jackson trudges out of the bus with his shoulders hunched, feeling disappointed.  
  
  
  
he soon finds out the reason for mark's sudden withdrawn reticence one tuesday afternoon when they are walking towards mark's bicycle and jackson bravely slips a hand into the back pocket of mark's jeans, out of sight behind the back wall of the school.  
  
he is surprised when he finds the pocket not empty, his fingers detecting a rectangular cardboard box.  
  
jackson feels around, sensing mark's head turning as he feels jackson rooting around in his pocket.  
  
the shape is... but it can't be... the look on mark's face, guilty and embarrassed, confirms jackson's suspicions.  
  
rudely, he extracts the packet of cigarettes and shoves it in mark's face, accusingly.  
  
"you smoke now?" he demands incredulously. when he hears himself, he flushes at the disgust his own voice is dripping with.  
  
it's not that he's that upset mark has started smoking, per se. what breaks jackson's heart more is that he hadn't told him. what other secrets is mark keeping from him?  
  
mark grabs the packet of cigarettes back, face red and shoves it back into his pocket. "jia-er, let me explain --" he starts pleadingly, but jackson cuts him off.  
  
"is that why we haven't been kissing much lately? because you didn't want me to find out? god." he shakes his head angrily, hands trembling.  
  
"that's because i knew you would react this way," mark's voice is rising too, his nerves seeming frayed. "i knew you'd disapprove."  
  
jackson can't believe the righteous and defensive tone in mark's voice. "you expected me to _approve_ of you smoking?" he says, words laced with heavy sarcasm.  
  
"i don't even do it often," mark sounds obviously flustered now, his face blotchy and voice breaking. "i just... when i'm stressed..."  
  
for a moment, the sheer frustration and helplessness in mark's voice makes jackson falter with a twinge of sympathy. after all, he is only mark's boyfriend. not his mother, or his keeper. mark is a legal adult. if he wants to smoke, it's his own right to, his own body he's damaging and no matter how concerned jackson is for his health it would be overstepping his boundaries to interfere with mark's life choices.  
  
he realizes that what is sending his mind reeling, more than the discovery of mark's destructive habit, is the little things that are falling into place now -- why mark always tastes freshly of spearmint toothpaste when they kiss, but there's a tinge of something else beneath, something bitter and foreign which jackson now identifies as nicotine.  
  
how could he have been so dense and oblivious, easily hoodwinked? jackson feels like a gullible fool and his pride is still sorely injured that mark hadn't trusted him enough to confide such an important thing to him.  
  
mark is still looking at him with round, mutely beseeching eyes, running a panicked hand through his hair, and jackson realizes his silence is keeping him in suspense about jackson's reaction.  
  
too confused to give mark the closure of an answer right now, jackson keeps his face blank and inscrutable as he turns on his heel without another word.  
  
mark is instantly behind him, his hand closing around jackson's arm. "where are you going?" he asks tightly.  
  
jackson shakes off his grip blasely. "i'll go home by myself today."  
  
"jia-er --" mark starts helplessly, standing rooted to the ground as he watches jackson walk away. he sounds like his world is falling apart and jackson doesn't feel pity but instead a cruel voice intoning _serves you right_ in his mind.  
  
  
  
jackson takes the bus home mechanically and numbly, staring unseeingly out at the scenery flashing past the window. a convoluted mix of emotions flits wildly through his mind -- bitter disappointment, wounded pride, incomprehension and resentment. he still can't believe that mark had managed to keep something so big from him, for who knows how long. if this is the case, what does he actually know about mark?  
  
jackson suddenly has the chilly feeling that he's dating a stranger.  
  
mark sends him a string of messages that night, ranging from apologetic to curt to desperately begging for forgiveness. jackson doesn't reply any, but he reads all of them.  
  
"i only started recently," one of them says. "i swear, i only did it a handful of times so far."  
  
"i'll quit if you want me to," the latest one just reads simply, and jackson's traitorous heart flutters with hope. will mark really not touch a single cigarette from now on for him?  
  
he tosses and turns restlessly in bed that night, unable to shake the anxiety and fall asleep. it's the first time they've had a real quarrel or argument and it's not easy going to sleep with the knowledge that things aren't right between the both of them.  
  
when he gives in to temptation and unlocks his phone, he sees a new message from mark, sent eleven minutes ago. "jcksnn,,,, , ple  ase" the message reads incoherently, and jackson sits up in bed, heart racing and blood simmering again. is mark _drunk_ , barely an hour after he promised to quit smoking?  
  
"god dammit," he mutters under his breath, digging his nails into his palm and resisting the urge to hurl his phone at the wall. despite everything, he's worried about mark. is he at home or elsewhere? did he manage to get back safely, or is he wandering the streets falling down drunk and picking brawls with homeless thugs?  
  
jackson keeps up the string of profanities under his breath as he swings his covers off and his feet to the floor, getting up. he's about to rush out the house in his sleepwear -- a thin tank top and boxers -- when he realizes he could just call mark. duh.  
  
he holds his breath as the phone rings once, twice. after the fifth ring and a lot of nervous tapping of his fingers on the wall, mark thankfully answers.  
  
"where the hell are you?" jackson demands without preamble, voice rough.  
  
mark's voice sounds slurred when he replies, and jackson's stomach tightens. he _had_ been drinking.  
  
"at... home..." mark mumbles, or something that sounds like it.  
  
"jesus," jackson mutters, despite his heart plummeting in relief. "stay right there and don't move an inch until i get there," he commands, hastily pulling on the school jacket mark had given him with one arm.  
  
jackson takes the bus to the stop near mark's house, then dashes straight to his apartment, pounding on the lift buttons as if it will get the slow elevator to crawl up faster.  
  
when he arrives on mark's doorstep, panting and out of breath, his heart is doing somersaults in his chest and his mind is clouded with anger. how dare mark worry him like this -- undo him like this... jackson has never felt so out of control before and he hates feeling like this.  
  
he raises a white-knuckled fist and pounds on the door impatiently, careless of disturbing the neighbours so late at night. he hears the clatter of a piece of furniture falling over inside the house and his heart swoops. he knocks louder.  
  
the door swings open and mark topples out, limp body slumping into jackson's unprepared arms. with difficulty, jackson rights his heavy frame and shuffles them into the house awkwardly, closing the door behind him.  
  
  
  
he puts mark to bed, placing a folded cool damp towel on his forehead and finally heaving a sigh of drained relief. it's been an emotional day and an eventful night and right now, jackson isn't in the mood to think of anything. he just wants to sleep all the complicated troubles away. mark's pillow looks so terribly inviting and he's just so tired... maybe he'll just take forty winks...  
  
  
  
jackson starts awake, his head jerking up to see mark flinching and pulling his hand away, eyes wide and afraid. his face is pale and drawn and he looks guilty and shifty-eyed, like he had been brushing jackson's hair away from his face when jackson woke up. his eyes slide away from jackson's, unable to be pinned down as he pushes the covers off and unsteadily climbs out of his bed, turning his back on jackson.  
  
mark shuffles to the door, shoulders hunched into himself without bothering to try to talk to jackson, looking so defeated that jackson feels a guilty pang too. he wants to say wait but can't speak over the lump in his throat. the dusty morning light streams through the curtains and jackson blinks fully awake disorientedly. he never expected that his first night spent in mark's apartment would be in such a painful and unwanted way.  
  
when he wanders out of the room gingerly, he hears the bathroom faucet running and the sounds of mark washing up and brushing his teeth. just as jackson is edging for the door, the bathroom door creaks open and mark emerges, towelling his face dry. his colour is mostly restored and he looks much better, the dew glimmering on his unblemished creamy skin making jackson's disobedient heart stutter.  
  
mark still doesn't say anything, but he crosses the room in a few strides and stations himself in front of the front door, effectively blocking jackson's escape route.  
  
jackson bristles. "are you trying to trap me here?" he challenges.  
  
mark's face is carefully blank. "just give me five minutes."  
  
"please," he adds, voice turning raw when jackson doesn't reply.  
  
jackson folds his arms over his chest and tries to look tough and unaffected.  
  
mark clears his throat, seeming at a loss for words now that he has gotten his chance to explain.  
  
"i only did it a few times," he repeats the same refrain as his messages last night. "i'll stop if you want me to. i promise."  
  
jackson keeps his voice cold. "what about the drinking?"  
  
"drink--" mark starts in confusion, then falters, face reddening. "it's -- it's not an issue! i barely drink alcohol, you know that. it's just that last night --"  
  
"i never want to have to worry about you getting trashed or shitfaced out of your mind alone, and possibly in danger, again," jackson interrupts harshly. "is that clear?"  
  
mark shifts his feet, dropping his eyes to the ground and scuffs the floor with his slipper. "yes," he whispers.  
  
jackson feels his heart softening unwillingly. yes, mark had behaved badly, disgracefully, irresponsibly. but it was all because he was frantic out of his mind worrying that jackson was angry with him, that jackson never wanted to see him again.  
  
"you're driving me crazy," mark whispers hoarsely, raising his eyes to jackson, the naked frustration in his voice confirming jackson's thoughts.  
  
he casts his eyes down to the floor again, and jackson is startled to see a renegade tear breaking free of mark's eyelashes and dripping onto the floor, making a wet spot.  
  
"please, don't break up with me," mark begs. "i can't --" he chokes up.  
  
"who said i was breaking up with you?" jackson blurts out, genuinely startled. the thought had never even crossed his mind. "i just... mark," he says firmly, striding forward and lifting mark's chin. "look at me. i was shocked and worried to find out that you smoked because everyone knows that smoking causes lung goddamn cancer."  
  
jackson says the last few words forcefully, and mark looks stunned.  
  
"it was just --" he starts weakly, but jackson cuts in.  
  
"you might get addicted," he says harshly. "then what?"  
  
"and," he adds, on a roll now, "alcohol could cause alcohol poisoning and liver failure and god knows how many thousand other problems that could kill you. do you think i could live with myself, if you drank yourself to death just because of me?"  
  
"it's not that serious --" mark protests feebly, but jackson tackles him into a bone-crushing hug to shut him up. in his arms, mark's body feels wispier, brittle, all ropy muscles and hard jutting bone.  
  
"i know i can't tell you what to do," jackson says by his ear, voice softening, and feels mark relaxing in his embrace. his heart pounds against jackson's chest, the nervous tattoo almost in unison with jackson's own. "but please, don't take chances with your health." _i love you so much_.  
  
as jackson is taking a cab home to change into his uniform and return to school (even though he is a few hours late, mark had insisted that he not miss a single more lesson than necessary, it being his senior year so jackson texted jinyoung and told him to help make excuses. mark stayed home from university for the day but gave jackson money for a cab.), he finally allows himself to admit what was the thing that bothered him most about the whole issue from the start.  
  
it's that he can't believe mark picked up smoking. mark, yi-en, geekiest nerd jackson has ever known, wholesome choirboy and president of the astronomy club, for chrissakes. mark whose eyes are like a gentle beast's and whose smile is so pristine it's like the fucking mountain springs or something. mark -- his mark -- is too sacred, too pure to do such a common and crass thing.  
  
but, to jackson's disbelief, he had. and what jackson really couldn't accept, is that mark who he has always thought was incorruptible, has been corrupted.  
  
  
  
true to his word, jackson never smells a whiff of cigarette smoke on mark any more after that day. his familiar, homely scent of fabric softener and vanilla soap and jasmine-scented shampoo returns and jackson inhales the clean and undiluted fragrance appreciatively as he nestles into mark's pliant arms.  
  
mark is on his best behavior, attentive and doting and indulgent, smiling his radiant smile and giggling enthuasiastically at all of jackson's lame jokes. jackson feels his heart soar.  
  
but mark seems to still be anxious about the issue, mistaking jackson watching him fondly as wariness and mistrust.  
  
"i'm still me, you know," he says quietly, not elaborating, and jackson silently wonders what he means. even though mark has stopped smoking and doesn't drink, jackson realizes that it wasn't those acts that gave him that unsettling, new mature air. it was just something that mark had naturally acquired when he turned eighteen, like an invisible threshold he had passed and jackson hadn't.  
  
he had never imagined that the year between seventeen and eighteen could seem like such a great divide.  
  
jackson knows mark is hurt and saddened that jackson sometimes looks at him with narrowed and scrutinizing eyes like he's trying to figure out a stranger, but there's just something about this new, soon-to-be-nineteen-year-old mark that throws jackson off his bearings.  
  
it's the way the prominent protrusion of his adam's apple bobs in the smooth ivory curve of his throat; the way his voice is deep and raspy like gravel or sandpaper; the lithe, pantherlike grace and leashed strength of his movements.  
  
mark is a man in almost every single way now, and jackson still feels like a hopelessly adolescent teenager.  
  
he would never admit it, but his biggest fear is that one day mark will see him for the kid he is, and lose interest in jackson at long last. he knows that when mark teasingly calls him _brat_ it's meant as a term of endearment, but jackson can't help wincing anyway.  
  
  
  
besides mark's quitting of his unhealthy habits, jackson can't help noticing and being concerned about his diet as well. some days, when jackson doesn't nag him or jinyoung forgets to drop by the supermarket to pick up his groceries, mark practically subsists on instant noodles, junk food and cup ramen.  
  
jackson feels like a nagging housewife as he constantly berates and reminds mark to eat healthily and regularly. he understands that mark works long hours for his shift at the planetarium and when he gets back home late at night he's too exhausted to make any elaborate meals before crashing into bed. mark had borrowed money from his parents for the three-month security deposit of the house, and he's stubbornly prideful and independent, wanting to work and earn his own money to pay them back every single cent.  
  
his house is sparse and bare, the one decadence or expensive piece of furniture in sight the top-of-the-range star-viewing telescope he had owned since he was ten and brought all the way from his family's house. it is perched by the window, pointed up at the sky and jackson has arrived at his house any number of times, letting himself in with the spare key mark gave him, to find mark lying on the floor with one eye squinted shut, the other peering deeply into the narrow end of the telescope like it held the secrets to the universe.  
  
he knows that like jinyoung, mark still keeps in touch with jaebum regularly, talking to him more often than the approximately weekly random updates jackson exchanges with him via line and kakaotalk. when jackson surfed jaebum's instagram once, he found it full of nothing but pictures of the sky on various days, stars and the moon and the sun interspersed with the rare black and white shot of jaebum looking like an emo artsy hipster in his nerdy chic glasses. mark had commented on nearly every single photo except the selfies with technical lingo that jackson didn't even understand.  
  
he is aware that mark envies jaebum, his freedom to pursue his dream, his bravery and determination in crossing oceans to do so. but it's a practical, realistic world they're living in, after all, and mark had to choose between pursuing his passion and a stable career and future. and romance.  
  
and he had chosen jackson.  
  
but still, jackson can't help wondering sometimes if deep down inside mark regrets his decision, and wishes he had flown to seoul with jaebum instead to study astronomy together. would he have done that, if he hadn't met jackson? they'll never know.  
  
  
  
when jackson blinks awake on the day of his eighteenth birthday, it feels like he has been waiting for this day for centuries. lifetimes. it's almost too surreal to be true that it has finally dawned.  
  
mark takes him out for dinner that evening at a fancy restaurant, dressed smartly in a red blazer with his blonde hair slicked back. he looks traffic-stoppingly gorgeous and edible and jackson hardly feels any appetite for the delectable food laid out across the candlelit table as he greedily drinks in the way the shadows flicker over the classically handsome planes of mark's face.  
  
mark seems quieter than normal too, and they both know why even though they've studiedly avoided the topic all night. jackson has literally been waiting for this for nearly a year, three hundred and sixty-five agonizing days, but now that the day has come, he feels strangely clueless and fearful about how to proceed.  
  
he can't believe he'll be losing his virginity tonight. it sounds like the plot of a bad teen movie, one of those low-budget trashy chick flicks that go straight to dvd, but then jackson remembers that it's mark -- purer than driven snow yi-en who he has waited to possess since forever, and all the reservations melt away.  
  
  
  
"do you want cocoa?" mark asks after he lets them into his apartment. jackson had gotten permission from his parents to sleep over tonight, had packed condoms which he had purchased sneakily from a convenience store into his overnight bag. he's completely prepared, except for the part where he's been internally screaming all night.  
  
jackson wants to laugh. it's so random -- cocoa? jackson had been fantasizing that maybe mark would turn into a beast once the door clicked shut, slamming jackson up against it and thrusting his tongue into jackson's mouth, kissing him stupid.  
  
no such thing happens. mark remains the calm and slightly distracted self he's been all night. his detachment irks jackson. can it be possible that mark has completely forgotten about his vow, and thinks they are having an innocent sleepover tonight? jackson would rip his hair out in frustration if something so horrific happened.  
  
but then he catches a glimpse of something in mark's eyes -- something exposed and terrified, and abruptly remembers the distant night nearly a year ago at the planetarium. on that day, they had drank hot chocolate before mark confessed that he had harboured feelings for jackson from the start. maybe it has some kind of significance to him.  
  
"sure," jackson says lightly, taking off his jacket and sitting down on the sofa. he's nearly combusting at the volume of words they're not saying, beneath this seemingly mild and mundane conversation.  
  
mark disappears into the kitchen and jackson hears the comforting, homely sounds of the kettle whistling and ceramic mugs clinking.

when mark exits the kitchen after five minutes, holding two steaming mugs, he nearly drops them on the floor when he sees jackson casually stripping off his long-sleeved shirt.  
  
"w-what are you doing?" he demands shrilly.  
  
jackson pauses, confused as mark unsteadily sets down the cups on the coffee table with shaky hands. he pulls the rest of the shirt over his shoulders easily, revealing the threadbare t-shirt he's wearing underneath. when an audible sigh of relief hisses through mark's teeth, jackson realizes he had thought he wasn't wearing anything underneath.  
  
not that mark is a stranger to jackson's body, or anything. but today, he seems on tenterhooks, hyperaware of jackson's every movement and approach towards him, his body tensing up whenever jackson comes close.  
  
so mark isn't as unaffected as he's pretending to be. jackson carefully picks up his cup of cocoa, blowing on the top and taking a sip before hiding his face behind the mug to study mark's expression. he is taking small sips of his own cup, looking brooding and troubled.  
  
jackson replaces his mug on the coffee table and shifts closer on the couch to where mark is sitting on the adjacent loveseat. tentatively, he reaches out and places a hand on mark's knee.  
  
mark puts his cup down with a clatter too and gets to his feet abruptly, jackson's hand falling off his leg.  
  
he clears his throat, voice low. "i forgot to give you your present."  
  
before jackson can tell him it doesn't matter, he's strode quickly out of the living room into his bedroom, where jackson hears some rummaging noises coming from.  
  
mark reappears, looking flustered and flushed. he's holding a slim gift-wrapped package.  
  
he sits down again and hands it to jackson. "happy birthday," he says, smiling quietly, and jackson's heart melts.  
  
he takes the gift and shakes it eagerly, before prying open the wrapper with care.  
  
it's a book, _the little prince_ by antoine de saint-exupery.  
  
"it's my favourite book," mark explains earnestly. "it's about this pilot whose plane lands on a tiny planet where no one lives except a prince, and the rose he's in love with..."  
  
jackson listens to mark's eager rambling and feels his defenses crumbling. he's immensely touched by the gift. he hadn't expected something so heartfelt, so meaningful, something that meant so much to mark that he wanted to share it with jackson. the air between them is comfortable again, the conversation flowing easily, and jackson almost forgets what he has been so antsy about all night.  
  
he looks at mark, the intimate orange lamplight flickering over his fine features, his eyes dark as ebony, the momentary flash of the winnie-the-pooh stud in his ear catching the light as he tilts his head, branding him as jackson's possession; and the words come out of his mouth so naturally it's like breathing. "i love you."  
  
mark's lips part in surprise, the flow of his words halting midsentence. the desire to cover that parted, plush cupid's bow with his own mouth stuns jackson with its intensity.  
  
maybe mark thinks that he had planned this, scheduled it at the exact same time on his birthday mark had said the words on his own birthday, after jackson gave him the earring. but no, it had been completely spontaneous and unplanned. so unexpected that it had shocked even jackson himself. he supposes he can understand a little of how mark felt after jackson gave him his present back in september, overwhelmed and bowled over by the grand, sweeping romantic gesture.  
  
"jia-er," mark says hoarsely after a lifetime, his voice as soft as the material of his jacket against jackson's skin. his eyes are misty, his smile tremendous. "me too."  
  
jackson musters a wobbly grin, leaning in eagerly, hasty to start the real action now that mark's dorky ramble has been cut short. but mark draws back at the last minute.  
  
"gimme a sec," he stumbles to his feet, looking dazed, and dashes into his bedroom again. jackson frowns in impatient amusement.

a second later, his heart leaps into his throat to hear the first few familiar opening notes of a song that he has listened to so many times, trying to puzzle out its meaning, that it's burned into his memory.  
  
one love by loveholic.  
  
so this was what mark had been saving that playlist for. even months ago, he had been planning this night, hoping to make it perfect to the last detail.  
  
mark appears in the doorway again, looking glassy-eyed and flushed deliciously as he braces his hands on the frame. jackson flashes him his best imitation of his trademark cocky smirk he can summon with all his insides quivering like jelly.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is mature.

like their first kiss, this one tastes like sweet chocolate.  
  
but it takes mark a frustratingly long time to initiate it, seeming to withdraw back into his old passive and timid self. it nearly makes jackson growl with impatience, and he almost lunges forward and tackles mark down, kissing him senseless like he has been aching to since they stepped into the house.  
  
but he doesn't. maybe it's an issue of his pride or dignity, but somehow, it seems important to jackson that their first time be equally consensual, for both of them to feel equally ready as they step over that threshold together. if mark isn't prepared, for any reason, then excruciating as it is, jackson will wait.  
  
so he shifts in his seat, pants feeling suddenly tight as he tries not to notice mark sitting on the loveseat, too close, not close enough, licking his lips as he quietly finishes his hot chocolate. the steam has dyed his cheeks a delicious fuchsia and his eyes are dark with that familiar heart-skipping glitter jackson recognizes from that night on the beach in kaohsiung.  
  
finally, miraculously, mark sets his empty mug down on the table with a clink of finality and looks up at jackson. he moves a few inches closer, and jackson freezes, his entire body tingling with anticipation. all the nerve endings in his body seem like they're running fire and he feels like a powder keg, ready to explode at the oxygen of mark's touch.  
  
mark's lips curve up in a questioning half-smile as he raises a tentative hand to jackson's hair, trailing his fingertips down the side of jackson's face with a touch light as a feather.  
  
when he opens his mouth, the words that come out are not what jackson expects.  
  
"do you know how astronauts kiss?"  
  
jackson blinks, momentarily thrown by the unexpected question.  
  
mark's lip twitches in amusement as jackson shakes his head speechlessly. he moves closer again, leaning forward so his breath tickles the skin of jackson's face when he exhales. eagerly, jackson leans forward too, eyes travelling down to mark's moist lips.  
  
but mark maintains the small but substantial distance between them, and continues, "they have to wear helmets in space, so their mouths can't come into contact. so..." abruptly, he reaches out with both hands and cups his palms over jackson's ears gently, pulling his head another inch closer.  
  
jackson inhales softly as mark's eyes bore into his, dark with mischief. "they just bump helmets like this." he tips his head forward a little, and tugs jackson's into a nod too, only their foreheads brushing lightly for a second but not their faces or mouths so it feels like they're wearing invisible helmets, a breath away but separated by two layers of glass. jackson is stock still in mark's grasp, rooted in his position by mark's hypnotic irises and the entrancing grip of his eyes.  
  
somewhere along the way, mark seems to have turned the tables, and now he's the one in his element and jackson is helpless as usual to the quiet power mark has to control his every action, render him immobile and paralyzed with a single silent but latent look.  
  
now, he continues blinking pathetically and dazedly as mark casually gets up from the loveseat and slides onto the couch beside jackson, their thighs touching. mark presses the side of his thigh against jackson's deliberately as he goes on calmly, "do you know how eskimos kiss?"  
  
this question, jackson knows the answer to. forgetting his frozen state, he eagerly nods and mark bursts out laughing in genuine amusement.  
  
"show me." he raises an eyebrow, a glint of challenge in his eyes, and jackson's heart leaps like an excited puppy. this time, he cups mark's ears with his palms and tugs his head down till the tips of their noses brush, and gently shakes his head. mark wrinkles his nose as if it tickles and wriggles out of jackson's grasp, cheeks pinkening.  
  
mark's throat works as he gazes at jackson with dazed eyes, eyes straying down to his mouth. jackson clears his throat too, face infused with warmth. but his voice still sounds hoarse, raspy when he asks, "what about --"  
  
but he doesn't get to finish his sentence because mark has already surged forward to claim his lips, mouth open and eager and tongue delving out naturally to dart along the seam of jackson's lips and coax them open, then brushing jackson's tongue with a hunger and desire unapparent in how he had brushed his nose and forehead.  
  
jackson's head spins as he gasps for air and ends up breathing in a huge mouthful of mark as their lips are still sealed together. as if drawn closer by the power of jackson's inhalation, mark's mouth clamps even more insistently over his, swinging one leg sloppily over jackson's lap to straddle him as his hands twist in the back of jackson's hair, keeping him from breaking away.  
  
jackson struggles to breathe under mark's intensity and places hesitant, daring hands on his hips, his heart surging with truimph when mark doesn't push them away.  
  
he tries to subtly maneuvre mark's weight onto his lap, to graze his awakening and growing erection, but gasps in surprise and a spike of pleasure when mark's hand slides between them to grab his clothed dick.  
  
jackson resists the urge to thrust up into mark's hand as he tightens his fingers over jackson's now fully-hard erection, and nips at jackson's lip with a sensuality that makes his cock twitch and his hips jerk up unconsciously.  
  
jackson's face flames as mark smirks slyly and plays his fingers over jackson's cock teasingly, then tugs the zipper down, tooth by tooth. by now, jackson is panting into mark's mouth which is still working sloppily against his, his attention seeming absorbed by reaching his fingers through jackson's open fly and closing them around his cock, now only through the thin cotton layer of his boxers. jackson is literally biting his lip to stop himself from moaning something humiliating like _ahhh_.  
  
mark's fingers move beneath the opening at the front of his boxers, and jackson lets slip a guttural noise at the back of his throat when mark's callused fingertips come into direct contact with his throbbing cock. he feels how slick he is from the precum that smears generously over mark's thumb as he runs it over the slit of jackson's cock, and how hard he is from the sensation draining from all other parts of his body, as if his entire ability to feel is focused in the single organ, leaving him numb.  
  
mark seems uncertain what to do as he tightens his fingers over jackson's cock and squeezes. just the thought, the feeling of mark's long, delicate fingers is enough to bring jackson deliriously close to climax. he takes deep breaths, trying to hold off the explosion of heat gathering in his groin. mark looks like he's in pain too, teeth clenched and eyelashes fanned in anguish over his cheekbones until he finally grabs jackson's hand roughly with his free hand.  
  
"touch me," he orders huskily, guiding jackson's hand towards his own crotch. at first, jackson instinctively flinches away from the shock of touching mark's cock for the first time with his hand, something mark has never allowed him to do. the only part of his body that has touched mark's cock is his thigh, and on that day at the beach last year, his own crotch.  
  
under his eager, trembling hand, the tented denim of mark's crotch feels startlingly hard, and when jackson unzips him with hands shaking almost too much to handle it, he sucks in his breath to feel that mark is porcelain hard and burning hot, nudging into his hand as he bucks his hips uncontrollably into jackson's clueless palm.  
  
"hurry," mark hisses, and jackson hastens to obey, sliding his hand into the opening of mark's boxers and imitating mark's actions as he grips mark's equally slick cock. he pumps his hand up and down mark's cock a few times, twisting his wrist awkwardly at the end, thrown by the change of direction in his usual sloppy movements as he tugs himself off to relief and the sheer difference in sensation of jerking another guy off.  
  
jackson is pretty sure his own cock gripped in his hand has never felt so rigid, hot or turned him on so powerfully before.  
  
mark works his fingers over jackson's cock with an equal lack of finesse, but as his fingernails scrape the sensitive underside of his cock as mark gives him a third clumsy stroke it's enough for jackson to climax with a muffled shout, waves of warm numbness and relief coursing over him as he comes all over mark's hand.  
  
mark sinks his teeth into jackson's shoulder to muffle his own cry as his hand tightens over jackson's still half-hard cock and he comes violently in jackson's grasp.  
  
  
  
they shakily detach, breaths still laboured and harsh. mark slides his hand out of jackson's pants with a wet squelching noise that makes jackson flush, his still-hard cock immediately throbbing in protest. in jackson's loose grip, mark's own cock twitches in response and jackson sees him colour too in the lamplight.  
  
he can't believe they just jerked each other off on the sofa. it'd been such a hot mess, they'd been too hasty and hadn't even managed to get to the room. so much for a perfect first time. loveholic is still drifting from the bedroom and playing in the background, turned down so low it's almost inaudible but jackson is relieved their heated panting is not the only noise in the otherwise hushed room.  
  
when he extracts his hand too, mark winces with something that looks like thwarted desire too. jackson's heart feels like it's pounding out of his chest, into mark's hand as mark splays his palm gently over the left of jackson's chest in a startlingly intimate gesture and smiles nervously.  
  
when he speaks again, his voice is an octave lower. "shall we continue in the bedroom?"  
  
jackson nods dumbly, stumbling to his feet which feel like pillars of jell-o and immediately give out beneath him.  
  
luckily, with stunningly quick reflexes, mark catches him before he hits the ground, sweeping jackson off his feet and up into his arms with surprisingly steady and strong arms locked beneath his back and knees.  
  
jackson feels a pang of momentary unfairness that mark is seemingly unaffected by their mutual handjob a minute ago, before he realizes that mark isn't unshaken -- he's just powered by lust.  
  
mark is breathing hard as he turns around to push the ajar door open with his back, then kicks it shut with his foot behind them the way he had on the day of the housewarming party. he dumps jackson unceremoniously on the bed, seeming short of breath as he clambers over him and straddles jackson's thighs, crouching on his hands and knees over him as he strains to reach for the bedside drawer. jackson feels the bed dip under their combined weight, so narrow that he doubts they can fit in side by side unless they lay completely pressed up against each other. the mattress is hard but the duvet cool and soft, yielding under his body.  
  
he hears the sound of the wooden drawer sliding open and being slammed closed with a thunk, then mark is sitting astride him again, his weight pinning jackson's lower body down and making his cock stir restlessly again.  
  
mark's eyes are nervous but a playful, seductive smile plays at his lips as he shyly brandishes the tube of lotion.  
  
"what's that?" jackson gulps, even though he has an inkling.  
  
mark blushes. "we need it... to loosen you up."  
  
"how did you know?" jackson blurts out thoughtlessly. "have you done this before?"  
  
he regrets the suspicion in his voice when a flicker of hurt crosses mark's eyes. "of course not!" he says indignantly, faltering. "i... i looked it up on the internet."  
  
"you..." jackson is speechless. for some reason, the thought of mark looking up how gay sex works on the internet, possibly stumbling across rated videos and getting himself hot and bothered is incredibly erotic to jackson.  
  
but then he belatedly realizes the implications of mark's words, and stifles a gasp. "loosen _me_ up?"  
  
the words make him blush hotly, and jackson's head spins as he realizes what role mark wants him to play. of course, he had been dimly aware that one of them would have to be the submissive, but he had tried to avoid thinking about it, assuming that mark would since he was meek and docile.  
  
but now he can't voice a single thought he's thinking as mark gazes deeply into his eyes and asks earnestly, with innocent and blushing eagerness, "you'll let me... put it in... right?"  
  
jackson croaks.  
  
after he opens and closes his mouth wordlessly a few times, what comes out is: "i brought condoms."  
  
  
  
in the end, they're both too far gone to stop and make their way back to jackson's overnight bag to get the box of condoms. thankfully, jackson had the foresight to slip two into his pants pocket and he digs them out truimphantly. mark's eyes light up when he produces them.  
  
he braces his arms on either side of jackson's head again, leaning down to capture his lips in a sweet but intense kiss, nudging one knee between jackson's legs and then the other, till he has pushed jackson's thighs apart and his legs are splayed on either side of mark's hips, spread uncomfortably wide.  
  
mark's thumbs circle jackson's hipbones before sliding deftly beneath the hem of his black skintight ripped jeans, breathtakingly hot against jackson's skin.  
  
"you were driving me crazy in these fucking pants," mark swears fervently under his breath, and jackson's heart stutters as he remembers that heart-stopping moment at dinner when he had felt mark's hand close over his knee under the table, hidden from sight of the other diners by the heavy satin tablecloth. jackson had gulped, his fork dropping with a clink, feeling faint and light-headed as mark's hand slid caressingly over the bare skin of his knee and lower thighs exposed by the gaping rips of his pants, then travelled purposefully up, between jackson's upper thighs. jackson nearly choked on his own spit when mark's hand grazed his crotch for the briefest fleeting second and he jerked his knee away and glared at mark with wide, shocked and outraged eyes till mark's wandering hand retracted and he shot jackson an insincere, roguish smirk of apology.  
  
jackson had never seen mark acting like such a douche before.  
  
and he had never been more turned on in his life.  
  
it had been a trial of agonizing patience to wait the hours till here and now, every minute feeling like it was crawling past. but jackson had told himself that god was testing him, and that he needed to be patient. after tonight, mark would be completely his. _property of jackson wang jia-er_ , he thought, lips curving up irrepressibly as he sipped his wine. mark had indulgently and curiously asked what was so funny but jackson just pressed his lips together and shook his head.  
  
now, jackson obligingly raises his hips and kicks his pants off to help mark clumsily divest him of them. mark inhales as the smooth, milky (if slightly hairy) expanse of jackson's bare legs are revealed, his eyes wide as he feasts them greedily on jackson's body. he crawls between jackson's legs, moving his attention further up and rutching up the hem of jackson's shirt with a feverish palm flattened against jackson's taut abdomen. jackson tries to keep his breathing even as mark's fingers trace the defined grid of his abdominal muscles lingeringly and sensually, but he can't hide the way his cock is straining shamelessly against the precum-dampened front of his boxers, the erect head poking out of the opening.  
  
mark smiles with a glint of evil in his eyes and accidentally-on-purpose brushes the back of his hand heavily against the swollen and sensitized head of jackson's cock, making his hips cant forward reflexively, his body convulsing.  
  
"fuck," jackson swears under his breath, abhoring the smug smile lacing mark's lips at how embarrassingly out-of-control jackson is right now, entirely at his mercy and devoid of any of his usual cocky swagger.  
  
"mark, don't tease," he begs pitieously, too far gone to care how pathetic he sounds. he makes a weak effort to reach out with his hand to feel the bulge of mark's still-clothed crotch, but mark nimbly grabs both his wrists in time and pins them firmly to the bed at his sides. he tries to make an upward thrust with his hips towards mark's groin but mark moves both his arms over his head, locking his wrists together in the iron grip of one of his hands, the other moving back down to still jackson's thighs and press them flat against the bed.  
  
" _guai_ ," he murmurs infuriatingly playfully, dropping a careless, dry kiss on jackson's forehead. " _ting hua_." _good boy. be obedient_.  
  
jackson writhes uncontrollably in the steel of mark's grasp, resorting to desperate measures. mark might have his body trussed up, but jackson still has his mouth. he injects all the sultriness and coquettishness he can muster into his voice as he moans wantonly and breathlessly, "yi-en, please. _ge_."  
  
its the single word that undoes mark, finally manages to rattle his calm as his mouth falls open slightly and his hands slacken over jackson's wrists. jackson takes the chance to snap his hips up with remarkable flexibility and grind against mark's crotch in a calculated move that achieves its goal. a low groan escapes mark's mouth and his breathing quickens audibly.  
  
mark growls in annoyance at jackson's foul play and quickly wrestles him into submission again. to punish jackson, he pushes jackson's shirt up over his shoulders, twisting it into a knot over his upper arms to hold them together. then he trails his hot tongue in maddeningly languid, lazy circles over jackson's nipples, lapping at his skin like a kitten drinking milk and gently biting and tugging at his nipples with his teeth till they stand at attention, growing stiff and hypersensitive too. then, one hand anchored against his hipbone, he lowers his mouth to jackson's belly button and licks a blistering path down his happy trail, right to the hem of his boxers. the simultaneous stimulation nearly sends jackson over the edge and he cries out in sweet agony.  
  
he realizes dimly in the back of his mind that mark isn't trying to be mean or tease when he catches a glimpse of the concern tightening his eyes. but jackson eagerly lifts his hips as mark finally tugs his boxers down and his cock springs out, fully-erect again, curving a little, leaking and bobbing so shamelessly that jackson blushes.  
  
mark inhales sharply and lowers his head again before jackson can protest, his tongue darting out of his mouth to flick over the head of jackson's cock. jackson makes a strangled sound at the back of his throat, grabbing mark's hair so roughly that mark hisses in pain. he forcefully loosens his hand and lets go, feeling the familiar gathering of heat in his belly that means he's near. "i can't -- i'm gonna," he chokes out, and mark quickly grabs the tube with slippery and fumbling hands, his pupils so blown his irises almost entirely disappear.  
  
"try to hold on a sec," he coaxes, voice tight. "let me prep you properly."  
  
jackson grits his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut, trying desperately to think of multiplication tables to delay his approaching orgasm.  
  
his eyes snap open with an involuntary gasp as he feels the cold gel of the lotion against his skin, mark's fingers pausing hesitantly at the rim of his entrance, but even more than that the unbelievably erotic sensation of the callused fingers of mark's other hand wrapped tightly around his dick.  
  
"shhh, _baobei_ ," mark murmurs soothingly as he whimpers erratically, suddenly aching so much for mark's penetration that he's delirious. he lets out a noise of half-pain, half-surprise when one of mark's slick digits slide smoothly into his ass, breaching the muscle as mark slowly works it in knuckle-deep. when jackson's breathing has calmed down, he crooks his finger at an angle that presses the pad of his fingertip against a spot inside jackson that makes him emit a loud keen.  
  
he almost arches off the bed, gasping breathlessly as mark leans over him in concern, smoothing his matted bangs back with a heavy hand to peer worriedly into jackson's eyes. a tear leaks from the corner of jackson's tightly clamped-shut eyes as he opens them and mark brushes it away with an unbearably tender finger. "are you okay?" he asks urgently, voice low. "did i hurt you?"  
  
"oh, god." he looks panic-stricken, almost tearful when jackson's throat is too fucked hoarse to reply immediately. "i'm sorry." he starts to withdraw, but jackson clenches down over his fingers, making mark's eyes widen, then darken.  
  
jackson shakes his head vigorously, his entire body quivering. he doesn't know how to say that the reason his throat is laced shut and tears are pushing at the backs of his eyes, threatening to fall, is because of how very gently and absurdly tenderly mark is handlng him, like jackson is fragile and breakable. no one has ever held jackson like this before. like he's crystal.  
  
" _more_ ," he breathes instead.  
  
mark drags in a deep, rattling breath, swallows hard, and obliges.  
  
the combined stimulation of mark's left hand fisted around jackson's dick to distract him from the pain and the three fingers of his right hand he has managed to ease into jackson's ass, stretched so tight he almost can't exhale, makes it hard to think straight. if jackson didn't know he still had mark's own pleasure to worry about, he would be perfectly content to come now, could easily come more than once from just mark's fingers and his large, knuckled hand rough and gentle on jackson's cock at the same time.  
  
but he takes deep, fortifying breaths and tries not to lose himself in the ecstasy, wanting to arrive at his second orgasm together with mark as well. he can tell from mark's harsh, loud panting that he's close too, and could probably come without even being touched or entering jackson, he's so turned on by just looking at and touching jackson. but they hold each other's eyes firmly and wordlessly make a pact not to let themselves go this time till they are truly joined and connected.  
  
without further ado, mark doesn't prolong the torment for both of them and withdraws his fingers, but he doesn't forget to do it slowly and gently, gazing solicitously into jackson's eyes for any signs of pain. but by now, the pleasure has long skyrocketed and overshadowed any initial pain, and jackson feels his hole clenching hungrily over empty air, eager for mark's length to fill him.  
  
jackson shivers slightly as a chill runs over the bare, exposed skin of his lower body at the departure of mark's attentive touch. mark's hands are shaking visibly as he grabs fistfuls of his shirt and rises to a sitting position with unchracteristic gracelessness, pulling it so roughly over his shoulders it almost rips. he tosses it carelessly onto the floor by the bed.  
  
jackson hears himself inhale with greedy appreciation when he sees mark's body. because wow -- mark looks way thinner with his clothes on than he does without. although his body isn't built and thickly-muscled like jackson's, he's startlingly ripped and powerfully-built, his body toned and free of excess fat in a way that makes the sinew of his muscles ripple with poetic clarity beneath his rice-paper skin.  
  
mark's cheeks pinken with an adorable blush at jackson's frank and lustful admiration, and he drops his eyes meekly, not daring to meet jackson's gaze as he devotes his attention to unfastening his belt buckle. the clink of him undoing the steadfastly-guarded clasp finally, at long last, after so many interminable months, sounds like music to jackson's deprived ears.  
  
mark shyly raises himself onto his haunches and pushes his jeans down his thighs, but there is nothing shy or meek about the raging erection that visibly tents the front of his own boxers, swollen and reddened tip of his cock jutting out of the opening, smeared with precum. jackson feels himself growing impossibly harder, cock twitching with impatience.  
  
mark's movements are jerky and unsteady as he feels blindly on the bed for the condom, not taking his eyes off jackson's. when he finds it, he brings it to his mouth and takes a corner of the foil packet between his teeth, ripping it open brusquely. jackson feels himself trembling with anticipation and trepidation, his body tensing up in preparation.  
  
jackson continues holding mark's eyes as he lowers the hem of his boxers and reaches into them, boldly grabbing his dick. he strokes it a few times, before rolling the condom on with shaking fingers. he carefully presses the end between two fingers to ensure there are no gaps or air pockets, and secures it fully over his length.  
  
jackson feels faint at the physical size of mark's cock, easily as big as his, unable to imagine how something so huge and hard would fit into his... his asshole, for god's sake. he's about to chicken out, to shrink away, when the brightness of mark's eyes, just the look in them -- that look of pure and boyish happiness -- stops him cold. he doesn't blink or take his eyes from mark's as they exchange a silent conversation as mark guides his cock towards jackson's entrance, nudging against his hole, the slickness of the mixture of cum and lube feeling thrillingly filthy.  
  
 _trust me?_ mark's tremulous smile asks.  
  
jackson takes a shaky breath and smiles back. _unconditionally_.  
  
then mark is rearing over him, his weight settling gently but breathtakingly heavily over jackson's. he hitches himself into jackson, his cock pushing in hot and throbbing, breaching jackson's resistance and the tight ring of muscle that makes mark hiss at the burning stretch.  
  
"relax," he breathes with difficulty, shifting a little, and when jackson tries his best to unclench his tense muscles, mark jerks forward with a soft groan, slamming into him and hitting his prostate.  
  
jackson cries out then, partially from the shock, but mostly from the unexpected and blinding wave of pleasure, the sheer indescribable sensation of mark sheathed so tightly, so deeply in him, completely up to the hilt.  
  
"a-again," he breathes, voice fucked raw, and mark doesn't need further encouragement, pulling out to almost the tip before driving in again, hitting that same sweet spot that makes jackson moan loud and obscene.  
  
mark snaps his hips forward a few more times, irregular and stuttering, the bedsprings creaking under the force of his thrusts. jackson arches his back, almost bowing off the bed to meet them. as jackson feels his pace quickening, on impulse, he clenches around mark experimentally, and is pleased by the way a tortured groan escapes from mark's determinedly clamped-shut lips, his cock stiffening inside jackson.  
  
his next thrust is particularly forceful, and before jackson can stop himself he feels himself erupting, coming uncontrollably and violently over mark's hand which has been kneading his cock with sloppy strokes. mark manages another shallow thrust, before he shudders to a climax that wracks his whole body too, his hot cum spilling against jackson's walls.  
  
even after the aftershocks stop rippling through both their bodies, mark remains buried deeply in jackson, the way they are connected, skin against skin with no excess space feeling astonishingly intimate. yes, it had undoubtedly hurt at first, but then the sharp, breathtaking pain had given way to the pure and magical surprise at how mark fit right into the jigsaw edges of jackson's body, their naked bodies adhering together like two adjoining puzzle pieces designed by a higher power to match impeccably.  
  
mark's hand rises to stroke jackson's damp and sweaty hair back from his forehead, his eyes shining with quiet gratitude. he pulls out gently, his cock sliding slickly out of jackson and jackson tries not to wince, not wanting to make mark feel guilty. mark pulls off the condom and ties the end, dropping it on the floor too. his body is still inextricably entangled with jackson's, seeming to not want to leave the complicated knot of their sweaty limbs twisted in the sheets.  
  
  
  
later, when their breathing has evened out and a pleasant drowsiness brought on by the postsex afterglow is stealing over their exhausted, tangled limbs, jackson curls up in mark's protective arms in the cramped but snug and warm bed.  
  
mark gently rolls him over to face the wall, taking care not to jolt jackson's sore lower body more than necessary, and wraps his arms around jackson's torso, snuggling closer. his hands pull the covers over jackson's bare shoulders and caress his chest, tracing unidentifiable patterns over his skin. he presses his own chest against jackson's back, so jackson can feel the powerful thudding of his heartbeat like a bass drum pounding against his shoulder blades. he feels his own heart rate quicken, falling into unison.  
  
as he reclines luxuriously against mark's sturdy chest like a cat basking in the warmth of the noontime sun, enjoying the position of little spoon, jackson feels blissful contentment and a rush of melting relief. he can't help feeling accomplished that he had achieved what he had waited to do on his birthday for so long, and stayed overnight in mark's house for the first time to do.  
  
mark notices the smug grin stretching his lips and his own lips tug up in irrepressible amusement too. jackson feels his laughter rumbling from his cheset, his gravelly voice by jackson's ear.  
  
"just wondering... has anyone ever said no to you?"  
  
jackson vibrates with laughter too at the cheeky and exasperated question, and mark locks his arms possessively around his waist.  
  
"plenty of them," he replies simply, sliding his hand over mark's and stroking his knuckles. "it's just that i've never accepted it."  
  
the way mark's grip tightens around his body, with quiet admiration and warm approval, tells him he's said the right thing.  
  
  
  
sometime during the night, they fall asleep from sheer exhaustion, still caught up in each other. when jackson wakes up in mark's sleeping arms, the sunlight is filtering gently through the gauzy curtains and in the narrow gap between them he can see a slice of eggshell blue sky. the kind of blue that matches the wholehearted, unadulterated bliss filling his heart right now.  
  
mark stirs a few minutes later and blinks awake sleepily. by the time he has rubbed his groggy eyes fully open, jackson has blinked away the tears of heartbreaking happiness from his own eyes.  
  
one side of mark's lips curls up into a lopsided, lazy smile of dark amusement when jackson murmurs shyly with his eyelashes demurely downcast, "good morning."  
  
in one swift move, he rolls over jackson, pinning him breathlessly to the bed. jackson looks up into his sleepy, hooded eyes and feels himself falling hopelessly into their depths till he's blue and bruised.  
  
mark smirks at him, a caddish, bad-boy smirk that jackson resolutely decides he'll have to reform. it simply wouldn't do for anyone else to see that beautifully boyish and cheeky grin.  
  
"coffee, tea, or me?" mark raises an eyebrow, voice husky with sleep.  
  
jackson groans loudly to hide how romantic he finds it. "oh my god," he cringes exaggeratedly. "did you learn that from _bambam_?"  
  
mark dimples mischievously. "maybe."  
  
jackson feels himself dissolving into a puddle of goo.  
  
"you," he whispers, pitching his voice bedroom low, and leans forward to nudge their foreheads together, then their noses, then meeting mark's lips slowly as mark tilts his head at the angle they have learnt their noses won't bump. the angle perfect for kissing.  
  
they don't kiss long, jackson breaking away first because he's worried he has morning breath. mark's breath smells as minty fresh as usual, and jackson rolls his eyes inwardly at his ridiculous perfection in every aspect.  
  
but mark continues chasing after his mouth, seeming unsatisfied. his hands rove beneath the covers, over the smooth planes of jackson's stomach, and as mark presses his groin against jackson's, his hipbones digging into his, jackson feels his sleepy erection.  
  
his own cock immediately stirs awake eagerly, fondly recalling memories from last night. but when he tries to grab mark's hardening length and guide it towards his ass, mark shifts away and refuses to touch him despite his rough breathing.  
  
"i know you're still sore," he says with the same stern firmness he had used to keep jackson in check before he turned eighteen. "please don't ask me to hurt you again."  
  
the earnestness and self-reproach in his voice tears at jackson's heart. "you didn't hurt me --" he protests heatedly, but mark refuses to be moved.  
  
"fine." he eventually huffs a heavy sigh of frustrated compromise. "then let me put it in."  
  
"... w-what?" mark rasps squeakily.  
  
jackson grabs his hand and presses it against his hard cock. "it's not going to take care of itself," he says, voice hoarse. mark's eyes widen, scandalized, but his hand lingers on jackson's cock, flipping over and starting to stroke it to full hardness with remarkably less-clumsy-than-the-previous-day tugs.  
  
jackson isn't surprised when mark agrees to another round, as long as he doesn't penetrate jackson. after all, jackson knows exactly how to press mark's buttons, has learnt the art of manipulating him. he is well aware that mark is guilt-stricken over causing him pain last night and would do anything to make up for it, so he takes advantage of it. furthermore, no matter how skilled at abstinence he may be, mark is ultimately merely a normal eighteen-year-old boy with his impulses driven by his dick. and his love for jackson.  
  
but this time, jackson is the one lying flat on his back, pushed down again by mark with a playful glint in his eye and telling jackson reassuringly to lie back and let him do all the work. still, he can't help reaching out to close his hands over mark's hips as mark sinks slowly and agonizingly onto jackson's now erect and slicked-up cock, hissing at the way the angle makes his ass slap flush against jackson's pelvis when he thrusts up jerkily, mark's pleasured moan laced with pain telling jackson he feels him all the way inside, in the deepest spot of him.  
  
jackson tries to be gentle, to take it easy and slowly since it's mark's first time being penetrated as well and he can't bear to hurt mark as much as mark can't bear to hurt him. even more. though can he be blamed for being nearly driven out of his mind when mark raises himself up over jackson's cock with an effort, bracing his hands on jackson's chest, then swivels his hips in touchingly diligent and amazingly sensuous circles, meeting jackson thrust for thrust?  
  
but even though he can keep his thrusts measured and restrained, letting out unattractive but uncontrollable grunts as he tries not to slam or pound too roughly into mark's fragile body, his fingertips still end up pressing faint lilac bruises into mark's delicate, pale hipbones, which reveal themselves in the translucent morning sunlight later as mark carefully eases himself off jackson's cock, looking so thoroughly fucked with his hair a post-coital mess that jackson nearly takes him again.  
  
  
  
like many other teenage couples, they are not unique in becoming -- to put it crudely -- addicted to having sex the moment they are initiated to it. once they had discovered it, there's simply no way to turn back the clock and go back to a more innocent time, no other pleasure that could replace mark ramming into jackson's body during the competitve athletic sessions of animalistic fucking they had taken to more and more often after jackson's body had recovered from the first time and gotten used to accomodating mark's thickness and length, and vice versa.  
  
after all, they're both masculine and strapping boys, and jackson had known better than to expect the kind of gentlemanly, tame lovemaking he would have with a girl. they are at the volatile age when they are most filled with pent-up aggression and repressed tension, always fighting to assert themselves over each other. wanting to dominate, wanting to possess. but that, too, jackson thinks warmly, is a sign of passion. an expression of love.  
  
not that they don't, occasionally, have the kind of sweet, gentle and unendurably tender sex that makes jackson feel like the most priceless antique porcelain in mark's careful and worshipful hands. but mostly, at the commencement of the beginning of their physical relationship, jackson finds that the two of them share the same tendency to desire to bruise, mark and brand the other as their own with love bites sucked into the pale curve of a neck or a bracelet of bruises pressed carefully into the blue-veined skin of a slender wrist, to be proudly worn for days.  
  
especially when they don't get to meet for longer periods of time, a few days on end only subsisting on meagre rushed phone calls between school and work and 2am restless messages filled with bittersweet missing. jackson has noticed the pent-up passion and longing seems particularly potent then, manifesting itself in bleeding lips and lots of _are you okay_ s and _did i hurt you_ s and guiltily whispered apologies in that softened postsex quiet.  
  
  
  
but that's one thing, and there's another. when jackson rushes breathlessly to mark's apartment one friday afternoon after school, an excitedly-looked-forward-to meeting after an entire painful week of not seeing each other face to face, only to find mark reeking of alcohol and most decidedly more than a little intoxicated, he can't help flaring up.  
  
even though it's breaking his heart to lose his temper, start another argument to ruin the precious date he had awaited anxiously all week, counting down the days, jackson feels his emotions running away by themselves anyway, blowing out of his control.  
  
"don't leave," mark pleads desperately and unabashedly, clinging needily to his arm like a koala as jackson coldly turns on his heel and pulls open his apartment door again.  
  
jackson folds his arms over his chest protectively to hide the way his heart is softening against his will, his chest clenching with missing at the sight of mark's beloved, beautiful face, the emotion raw in his exposed eyes.  
  
he doesn't let any of it show in his eyes as he snaps accusingly and scornfully, "we haven't seen each other in a week and you couldn't even stay sober for one date? did this even mean anything to you?" his heart splinters as he realizes how hurt and bitter he really is, feeling like he had been the only idiot who cared here.  
  
"i -- of course!" mark looks shocked, as if dumbfounded that jackson could even entertain this question. "it's just..." his grip tightens painfully over jackson's arm, as if he's afraid jackson will run away if he lets go. "i spent so much time planning today and i just wanted it to be perfect," he says haltingly, voice breaking. "i know... i know you expect me to be charismatic and sexy and satisfy you every time we..." -- he blushes and pauses -- "and i try. i try so hard because i want to impress you. i want to make you happy more than anything in the world. but... i can't help worrying sometimes, thinking too much, wondering... are other guys touching my jackson? is he smiling at other girls? i worry," mark admits, his voice cracking on the last word. "i'm not like you, so gorgeous and confident and adored by everybody. i lie awake at night dreading the day you'll realize that i'm not good enough for you."  
  
mark raises stricken, regretful eyes to jackson. "i never drank since the day i promised you. but today i guess i just... needed liquid courage to face you."  
  
"why?" jackson rasps, his voice a pained whisper.  
  
"because..." mark smiles, tears swimming in his eyes. "god dammit, jia-er, do you even know i'm madly in love with you? i feel like i love you more and more every day. and that... scares me so much."  
  
the unexpected love confession, said unwaveringly in mark's emotionally raw, sincerely deep voice, his eyes looking straight and unwaveringly into jackson's, takes jackson's breath away.  
  
for a minute, he is utterly speechless. then, easy as taking the next breath to fill his lungs again, he finds the words that have been trapped in his chest, pressed beneath his tongue for the past few months.  
  
"yi-en," he starts calmly, steadily, watching the immediate effect his gentle tone has in relaxing mark. he says the next few words seriously and with utmost gravity, looking deeply and meaningfully into mark's eyes to convey his complete transparence and honesty.  
  
"you're the only one," jackson says simply and clearly. "there's no one else for me."  
  
the smile of sheer relief that breaks through mark's tears and lights up his face like the sunrise makes him feel a stab of regret for not saying the simple and truthful words sooner and putting mark's insecurities to ease. being both boys, they had fallen into the common masculine habit of being undemonstrative and uncommunicative, not expressing their feelings to each other openly, reassuring each other that their feelings remained strong as ever. jackson has always been taught and believed that men should hold their tears in and not be emotional or weak, but maybe... he looks at the smile of unfiltered delight on mark's pale face, and thinks that maybe sometimes there's something to be said about being sappy and emotional after all.  
  
  
  
that night, mark tastes of alcohol and salty tears swallowed back and not allowed to let fall, but his touch is soft as petals as always, stirring something deep in jackson's heart. he enters jackson carefully, taking his time to work jackson open after a relatively longer period of not being loosened up. he eases himself in inch by inch until jackson is completely impaled by his cock, the unbearably full, intrusive sensation of the stretch indescribable but familiar as home now.  
  
just when jackson is starting to feel comfortable, he starts moving, rocking into him gently but building up to a carnal, punishing pace more intense than they have ever reached before. jackson clutches fistfuls of mark's shirt and digs blunt fingernails into mark's back to hold back his moans, raking them painfully down his skin. their bodies glide against each other in the combined rhythm, the tandem they have practiced and polished from countless rounds of lovemaking, with the sweat-slick sounds of skin against skin. to be completely honest, the only thing he likes about having arguments with mark, if he is forced to admit one, is that the make-up sex is always amazing. like, fucking-his-brains-out kind of amazing.  
  
"want you," mark murmurs over and over, each word puncutated by a thrust hitting jackson's abused prostate. it reminds jackson of the second time they had had sex, a few months ago. he was still agonizingly embarrassed and painfully inexperienced, throwing his arms over his face to cover his expression as mark drove himself erratically into him.  
  
 _don't look at me_ , jackson had pleaded in shame as he came, crying out uncontrollably, but mark had gently taken his hands and pried them away from his face. he stilled within jackson but his face was still flushed, his breaths still coming shortly. he was possibly the most beautiful sight jackson had ever seen.  
  
 _show me everything_ , he said, his smile quiet and all-accepting.  
  
and indeed, in the months since, they had found out and seen everything about each other. but even now, mark still never ceases to amaze him. jackson finds mark's reactions endlessly fascinating, the honesty of his body unbearably adorable. he feels inexpressibly privileged to be the only one who can see not just mark's beautifully bare body but also his most naked expressions; dizzyingly powerful to be the only one who can reduce mark to a writhing wreck. the only one who knows how to make mark come undone. him and only him.  
  
  
  
unofficially, the seventh day of the seventh lunar month, _qixi_ , has become their anniversary. exactly one year after mark kissed and confessed to jackson in the planetarium, he shyly hands jackson an exquisitely-crafted, gilded dark red-and-gold lacquered box with an elegant chinese painting from the ming dynasty on the cover.  
  
jackson gasps in pleased surprise and carefully opens the small box. inside lies two snowskin, rabbit-shaped mooncakes nestled neatly in tissue paper, one light pink and the other lotus green. they look almost too perfect to eat.  
  
"did you make these yourself?" jackson screeches in barely contained excitement, feeling a little bad at the expense mark had gone to when jackson had only folded him a handful of colourful origami paper rabbits and placed them in a cheap plastic gift jar.  
  
mark blushes in embarrassment and rubs the back of his neck. "my mum helped a little, but... yeah, i guess."  
  
jackson sniffles tearfully and carefully picks up one of the soft, fragile mooncakes between his fingers. he takes a small nibble of the ear, wanting to make it last.  
  
"this is the most delicious mooncake i have ever eaten in my life," he pronounces with aplomb. mark's answering smile is brilliant enough to light up the entire room.  
  
  
  
when he finally finishes eating both mooncakes reluctantly after two weeks, not bearing to take more than a bite a day, he cleans up the crumbs and removes the tissue paper from the bottom, planning to save the artistically-designed box to store other knickknacks.  
  
he is surprised to find a small card at the bottom mark hadn't mentioned to him. it's plain white and undecorated, but when he opens it it's addressed in mark's elegaic looping chinese script to _wo de xingan baobei_ , and signed from _ai ni de yi-en. to the treasured darling of my heart, from yi-en who loves you_.  
  
the message reads simply in english, _you gave me a galaxy when i only needed a star_.  
  
  
  
then commences the second semester of his third year and jackson is alone again, sitting in libraries for long hours stuck in the hell of last-minute cramming for college entrance exams. his favourite table in the public library is one by the window, with the autumn sunlight streaming pleasantly in. when he is lucky enough to find it empty, his studying always seems to go better and he will find his attention drifting more frequently, laying his head down on his folded hands as he gazes idly out of the window at the enamel blue sky and searches for rabbits in the clouds floating lazily across.  
  
when he finds one, he takes a picture for mark.  
  
  
  
sometime along the way, mark has set aside a drawer for jackson in his apartment to keep his clothes and belongings when he comes over increasingly frequently to visit and stay the night, usually on friday. mark has come over to jackson's house for dinner a few times and left a very good impression on both his parents, so they have no objections with him sleeping over and trust mark to take care of him, especially when jackson convinces them that mark is helping him with his studies.  
  
a drawer becomes a closet, jackson's black wardrobe and snapbacks for all occasions subtly and unconsciously migrating over to mark's apartment. he has his own toothbrush and glass in mark's tiny bathroom now, but he generally uses mark's toothpaste. mark's toothbrush is blue, and jackson's is pastel pink.  
  
when he goes window shopping at the thrift shop with jinyoung, he sometimes picks up a few odds and ends and little pieces of furniture (like a beanbag chair that reminded him of their night at the planetarium and some squirtle magnets for mark's small refrigerator he got at a good bargain) or display items that he feels would look good in mark's house. gradually, he's managed to add a bit of colour and cheer to the dull and drab interior of the apartment.  
  
and sometime along the way, jackson realizes that mark's apartment has started feeling like his own house. his own home.  
  
  
  
one overcast day in october much like the one they had sent jaebum off on almost a year ago, jinyoung brings his laptop to school and during recess the five of them gather at their usual picnic table to group-skype jaebum.  
  
jackson is surprised at how much jaebum has changed since they last saw him in december. although he talks to jaebum at least once a week via line or kakaotalk, jaebum rarely sends him selfies. but the year that has elapsed is clearly visible in how much jaebum has matured, losing his glasses for a less geeky, cooler, even attractive look. his hair is dyed a dark copper red now, flopping messily over his dark eyes but he still smiles exactly the same way, with his whole face, especially his eyes.  
  
he brightens up so ridiculously jackson feels like ramping down the contrast on the screen when he sees jinyoung. jinyoung presses his palm against the computer screen dramatically like they're in a prison visit or something and sniffles loudly, wiping his damp eyes. jaebum looks away for a minute, seeming embarrassed by his public display of affection in front of their friends but jackson can tell that he is trying to recover his own loss of composure too. it's obvious that distance has done nothing to dim the passion of jinyoung and jaebum's relationship and jackson is happy for his best friends.  
  
"where's mark?" jaebum clears his throat, changing the topic, and looks disappointed when they tell him he's at university attending classes right now.  
  
"maybe we could try calling him? he might be free to talk for a while," jackson suggests, sensing how much jaebum had wanted to talk to all six of them together.  
  
jinyoung brightens, and they immediately call mark on skype, crossing their fingers.  
  
thankfully, after a few seconds of waiting, mark answers the call, his face appearing in a smaller window, earbuds dangling from his ear.  
  
"jia-er?" he asks questioningly, leaning forward to peer into the camera, then abruptly seems to realize that jackson isn't alone. "oh. hey, guys." he coughs and waves awkwardly, looking genuinely pleased to see all of them but embarrassed at his initial display of affection.  
  
"mark-yah!" jaebum calls, waving excitedly from the bigger window, and mark notices him at last, lighting up visibly even in the small grainy video.  
  
"jaebummie! how are you doing over there in korea?"  
  
jaebum smiles and shrugs. "all right, i guess. i'm having fun in school and learning a lot in my course. i'm getting used to living in korea again and making new friends. but... i still miss you guys," he finishes softly.  
  
"we miss you too, hyung!" rongzai blurts out in fluent korean, and jaebum looks surprised but incredibly pleased. "how did you learn that, rongzai?" he bursts out laughing. "did jinyoungie teach you?"  
  
rongzai shakes his head proudly, and jinyoung ruffles his hair like a doting mother. there's so much jaebum has missed, so much jackson wants to tell him, like how rongzai and youqian have officially joined the korean club and rongzai has also become a fully-fledged member of the astronomy club. jackson guesses that like his own interest in astronomy, rongzai's was acquired and built up after he joined, but that doesn't mean it isn't genuine.  
  
rongzai, youqian and bambam had surprised them all by showing an amusingly aptitude in learning korean, picking up the language impressively quickly. youqian and rongzai were particularly interested in korean culture and had even given themselves korean names.  
  
"hyung, do you know what my korean name is?" rongzai now bubbles over with excitement, leaning forward expectantly.  
  
jaebum laughs again. they're not surprised since even before he went to korea, rongzai had always been able to make him crack a smile effortlessly.  
  
"of course i do," jaebum says indulgently, and it's obvious that if he were here in the flesh right now, he would be messing up rongzai's hair as he liked to do teasingly. "i worked it out from the start, youngjae-yah."  
  
rongzai flushes with pleasure at jaebum using his korean name in such a warm voice, and youqian clamours with uncharacteristic enthusiasm too. "hyung, what's mine?"  
  
jaebum laughs again, his cheerful mood seemingly restored. "yugyeomie," he replies without missing a beat. "i worked out all of you guys' names long ago."  
  
"aww, _xuezhang_ , that's so sweet!" bambam looks like he's about to start bawling. jackson hurriedly tries to turn the mood around before it gets heavy and depressing again.  
  
"tell him about how your relationship with tzuyu is going," he suggests quickly, nudging bambam and hoping to distract him. he's relieved when it works and bambam promptly launches into a rambling account of his "rapidly progressing" relationship with tzuyu which they all listen to doubtfully but no one is mean enough to burst his bubble.  
  
after bambam has finished his monologue, youqian shares a shy, private smile with rongzai and begins telling jaebum about rongzai's latest recital for the music club which they had all attended with first-row seats. rongzai blushes again when jaebum remarks affectionately and nostalgically, "i miss your playing."  
  
"i can send you a recording of me and youqian playing a duet from the movie secret," rongzai offers generously, and jaebum looks thrilled.  
  
next, jackson and jinyoung report dutifully on the latest happenings and updates in the club, and jaebum listens seriously and offers advice when needed. he is obviously still very concerned and invested in the club, and jackson swells with pride when jaebum commends them on their hard work in maintaining and upholding the spirit of the astronomy club successfully.  
  
mark smiles in agreement here, nodding. as is his habit, he has been silently and observantly listening to the conversation so far without feeling the need to chime in. however, when jackson starts complaining about bambam throwing his weight around the club now that he's a second-year and pretending to report on him, he hears mark's squeaking laugh and feels a spike of glee.  
  
  
  
they hear a faint meow from jaebum's background, and all of them ask curiously what that is, but jinyoung answers smugly, looking pleased to have knowledge no one else does. "it's nora."  
  
"who?" they all blink, and jaebum grins cheekily and bends over, disappearing from the screen for a minute before he reppears with a sleek, dark-haired cat in his arms. "say hi to my daughter," he jokes, waving its paw.  
  
nora stares at them disinterestedly, letting jaebum pet and stroke her with the same poker face. but when jaebum scratches a spot behind her ears, she instantly starts purring like a motor.  
  
"she's so cute!" they all squeal in adoration, sounding less like teenage boys than girls, and rongzai whips out his phone to show jaebum photographs he had taken of coco. jackson sees mark leaning forward to see better too. he always had a soft spot for that puppy because he had named her.  
  
  
  
the weather in taiwan is unseasonably pleasant lately, and today the leaves of the zelkova trees in the school courtyard shimmer in the breeze, kissing their skin and dappling their faces with light.  
  
but when they ask jaebum how the weather is in seoul, he replies slightly morosely, "the sky here is grey and lonely." he's looking at jinyoung as he says this, and jackson senses that his words have a double meaning.  
  
his thoughts are confirmed when jinyoung replies, voice soft but warm with encouragement, "it's still the same sky."  
  
"jinyoung is right," mark pipes up for the first time since the start of the conversation, sounding thoughtful. "no matter how far apart we are, we're still under the same sky. and as long as we're under this sky, we'll definitely have a chance to meet again in future."  
  
they all nod in agreement to mark's wise words, and jaebum looks slightly cheered and uplifted by the motivation.  
  
"do you regret?" jinyoung blurts out quietly, in korean, and they all turn to look at him but his eyes are trained intently on the window, at jaebum.  
  
jaebum meets his gaze with direct, equally serious eyes, and considers the question for a minute before replying truthfully, "no."  
  
jinyoung exhales shakily, but jackson sees a smile melting over his face. "that's good, then," he says softly. "i just want you to be happy. we all do."  
  
they all start nodding unanimously again, and bambam says in a thick voice, "we miss you, jaebum-hyung," effectively summarizing up all their sentiments. jaebum favours him with a grateful and doting if slightly watery smile. "i miss you too, bambam-ah."  
  
"are you wearing your ring?" jaebum peers into the camera and asks jinyoung in a gentle voice.  
  
jinyoung smiles impishly and flashes his hand proudly in front of their camera. the thin silver band on his ring finger, worn defiantly against school regulations, catches the sunlight.  
  
jaebum looks incredibly pleased, practically beaming. "what about you?" jinyoung asks teasingly, and his smile falters a little when jaebum brings both hands up to the camera, fingers bare, but then he smirks playfully and reaches into the collar of the university sweatshirt he's wearing.  
  
he produces their couple ring, dangling from a long and thin silver chain hanging around his neck. "i like wearing it here," he says softly, almost inaudibly. "it feels closer to my heart."  
  
casually, jaebum brings the ring up to his lips and kisses it. jinyoung's mouth falls open, his cheeks blushing vigorously. the three _xuedi_ s immediately start making immature barfing noises and teasing the happy couple mercilessly, but beneath all the commotion jackson sees mark lifting his fingertips to his own lips in his small window, and bringing it quietly to his ear, his eyes on jackson and smile sweet as a secret.  
  
  
  
they pass on the baton of the leadership of the astronomy club to bambam, youqian and rongzai on the last day of school. jackson tries not to be sad because he knows that it's not the end, but only the beginning. still, he is definitely going to miss fiercely the sunny astronomy club filled with laughter and chatter and music and friends. where he had found all of these things, but mostly love. he's going to miss the garrulous chitchat and good-natured humour of the members, and bambam's screechy voice brightly greeting _xuezhang_ as they walked through the doors. every day in the past three years had treacled past, feeling like there was a never-ending supply of them, but in hindsight, three years seems like so little time after all. distilled, it feels like barely more than a heartbeat.  
  
but the three trusty juniors reassure them that even though the astronomy club may seem temporary, it will last forever, longer than them. long after they have graduated, the other members will continue to uphold and faithfully pass down the traditions, like building the annual large-scale galaxy model, year after year, batch after batch.  
  
  
  
on his last tuesday in high school, jackson and jinyoung linger in the club room long after the other members have filed out. jackson settles down in mark's old seat, the one that gets the best sunlight, and closes his eyes. he feels the invisible warmth of the soft sunshine pouring through the window over him, like the familiar touch of an old friend and suddenly he's sixteen again, sixteen and unencumbered and carefree and happy-go-lucky. their days had passed by in innocent happiness and sunlit whimsy. deep inside him, jackson knows that separation is inevitable in the end, and staying together forever, though it would be a dream come true, is ultimately just a dream.


	8. Chapter 8

jaebum flies back to taiwan to attend jinyoung and jackson's graduation and spend the rest of his year-end holidays here. he turns up with mark dressed sharply in dashing navy suits and ties, standing up and applauding with warm pride from the audience as jackson and jinyoung collect their diplomas on stage.  
  
then they rent a battered secondhand car again, and take jackson and jinyoung on their graduation road trip. this time, they drive to jiufen and shifen, picturesque and tranquil little countryside towns. as they listen to mayday on the staticky car stereo, jinyoung and jaebum sing along loudly in remarkably precise mandarin. jaebum is uncharacteristically more chatty than usual, seeming over the moon (no pun intended) to see all three of them again. he has grown taller and more lanky, sporting a few new piercings, and jinyoung looks absolutely dazzled by his new striking good looks and improved fashion sense.  
  
as they drive along a stretch of deserted highway along a craggy cliff overlooking the ocean, jaebum tells them about how he used to make diy rocket and space shuttle models as a kid with the waves crashing in the background. he would collect used, empty one-litre plastic bottles of soft drinks and mineral water and cut the bottom off with scissors. disregarding the grown-ups' warnings not to play with fire, he would conduct dangerous and risky experiments with chemicals he mixed from harmless kitchen substances like cooking oil and sugar. they all laugh as he tells them darkly about the one time he nearly ended up setting fire to his own hair, and the other tragic disaster where he actually blew the kitchen in his house up. his father was furious and worried about his safety, of course, but his mother's eyes sparkled as she kneeled down to his eye level and stroked his hair, smiling seriously as she told him how proud she was of him and that she knew without a doubt that one day he would be a very clever and great man. that was the day he had set his mind on pursuing astronomy professionally.  
  
the first night, they light firecrackers on the suspension bridge that is the city's attraction and hold hands as they stroll down the abandoned railway tracks, balancing on the narrow rails. they walk down to the large area of open space near the overgrown fields where they can purchase a large sky lantern from the roadside tourist stalls, big enough for all four of them to write their wishes, and send it up into the sky.  
  
by prearrangement, jackson writes on his side the numbers 1314 vertically down. _yi sheng yi shi_ , meaning _for one whole lifetime_. on the opposite side, he knows mark is writing 520. _wo ai ni_ \-- _i love you_. they crane their necks to follow the slowly ascending route of the white lantern lit from the inside with an incandescent orange glow, rising like a beacon in the pitch dark night sky. until it's a mere speck, and then disappears, swallowed up by the blackness. jackson wonders where it will go, where it will end up. where the roads the four of them will take from now on will lead to, and whether they will lead back to each other again, in the end.  
  
  
  
as they stroll back to the motel in the late night serenity only interrupted by the peaceful chirping of crickets, each blissfully tired from the long drive and lost in their own thoughts, jackson quietly studies mark's princely profile, thinking of the long road behind them and the even longer road ahead. this road was sometimes rocky, occasionally uncertain, but always fulfilling. the past three years spent alongside mark, jinyoung and jaebum have been nothing short of priceless, and jackson wouldn't have exchanged this journey for anything in the world.  
  
people say that 18 is everyone's most memorable year, and jackson realizes that this cliche had turned out true for him too. mostly because of mark but also because of all the countless friends and clubmates he had gotten to know, jackson's eighteenth year had been an unforgettable and breathtakingly happy one.  
  
when jackson entered high school, he had never in a million years expected that he would one day become the vice-president of the astronomy club. but merely three years later, here he is, wearing that position proudly like a badge of honour. yes, this, here, this place beside mark, jinyoung and jaebum wasn't where jackson had predicted he would end up.  
  
but maybe, it dawns on jackson like an epiphany, that he is exactly where he's supposed to be.  
  
  
  
later, deeper into the night, lying satedly in mark's arms in their shared room at the motel which this time they had chosen voluntarily to be roommates even though they have enough money, jackson contemplates change.  
  
at fifteen going on sixteen, that single word encompassing an inevitable phenomenon, was what he dreaded most. he had been reluctant to grow up, to leave the security and familiarity of his childhood and preteen years behind.  
  
but then he had met mark, breathtakingly courageous and brave yi-en who faced the future head on with an undimmable smile and positive outlook, who had taught jackson that change was something natural, something that could be a good thing. something that he shouldn't fear but try to embrace with an open mind.  
  
and the most important lesson he had taught jackson was that sometimes, change could be miraculous.  
  
the biggest change in jackson's short life so far has undoubtedly been falling in love with mark. and it had altered his life forever. it sounds like a cheesy hallmark pickup line, but mark is the best thing that's ever happened to him.  
  
jackson nuzzles closer to mark, trailing reverent fingers lightly over mark's pale, marble white skin, which gleams pearlescent in the silvery moonlight. he wonders if he will ever be able to tell mark that he is jackson's hallmark prince, the person every love song reminds him of, the one that made jackson realize all the corny cliches about love were true after all.  
  
perhaps never. but one thing jackson is sure of, as he drifts off to sleep with mark as the last thing he sees, is that mark won't mind at all.  
  
  
  
he wakes up to mark gently shaking him awake and the subdued lilac-grey light of daybreak streaming through the window. mark's eyes are tender but bright with excitement, his voice soft as feathers. " _baobei_ , do you want to go down to the beach to watch the sunrise?"  
  
jackson sits up groggily, the familiar lassitude and dull ache in his lower body still delicious and thrilling, after all this time. mark is sitting on the bed beside him, hair already combed neatly and half-dressed in comfy sweats. jackson leans his head decadently against mark's shoulders and yawns, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.  
  
he feels mark's chapped lips brushing his temple, and his arm wrapped snugly around jackson's shoulder. jackson noses up for a good morning kiss and mark obliges with tender and amused exasperation.  
  
but mark is careful to stop before the kiss gets too heated and carried away, and jackson groans as he rambles dorkily about how they have to start the walk to the beach now or they will miss the full sunrise.  
  
"will i ever come before astronomy for you?" he grumbles, climbing out of bed, and mark laughs, eyes sparkling with mischief.  
  
"never."  
  
but deep inside, they both know. that even as far back as a year ago, mark had already told jackson honestly, _you're the most important person in the world to me_.  
  
  
  
as they stroll leisurely down the shoreline, baby waves lapping at their flip-flops and sand getting between their toes, mark drapes a protective arm around jackson's shoulder and solicitously queries if he's cold even though jackson is already bundled up in his old school jacket and new university sweatshirt he had worn all of this year and given jackson at the end of the term. it's washed to flannel softness and feels soft as a cloud against jackson's skin.  
  
the air is moist with morning mist and smells freshly of dew and jackson takes a deep, appreciative breath. a smudge of pearl pink is creeping slowly into the dove grey sky like a palette of spilled, muted watercolours at the horizon but the fingernail of a waning moon is still visible, hung up in the sky like a secretive, mysterious smile. there's something about the beginning of a new day that makes him feel like anything is possible.  
  
halfway down the shoreline jackson kicks off his slippers and holds them in his hands as he continues the walk to the prime sunrise-watching spot barefoot. mark laughs and gamely follows his lead, slipping his smooth, warm hand into jackson's easily as he catches up.  
  
  
  
as they lie back on the sand next to each other after a ten-minute walk, relaxing and letting the stress seep out of their bodies, the words that jackson has been keeping inside him for the past few weeks bubble to the surface, slipping from his mouth, his lips loosening thoughtlessly as they always do around mark. even though jinyoung is his best friend, mark is the person whom jackson feels the most comfortable around in the world. in front of mark, jackson doesn't have to pretend to be anybody. he can just be himself. he can just _be_.  
  
jackson watches a lone seagull gliding across the limitless vastness of the sky and, not for the first time, feels his insignificance in the face of the universe's enormity. he thinks of how mark makes him feel, free like a bird soaring through the skies, like he can fly.  
  
he thinks of how no one has ever made him feel like that before, and how before he met mark, jackson hadn't even known that a feeling as exhilarating, as heavenly as this existed.  
  
yi-en, his high school sweetheart, the person who taught jackson everything he knows about love, whom all his first times were with. his first kiss, his first night, his first relationship. mark had accompanied jackson through all the watersheds of growing up.  
  
mark is jackson's first love, but will he be his last? in this unpredictable world buffeted by the winds of fate, where change is the only constant; this age they live in where their relationship is still considered something taboo and forbidden by society; this achingly fragile, tenous bond between them that could be more easily snapped than a thread of gossamer, do they have a fighting chance of staying together through thick and thin and still emerging hand in hand in the end?  
  
they had fallen in love too quickly, too fast and too desperately; simply because they were young and stupid and reckless, simply because they wanted to and they could. even before they were fully-fledged adults yet, before they had realized how damaging and destructive love could be, they had fallen in love as only teenagers could -- with all of their heart and soul. despite everything people said about how first loves would always break your heart in the end, jackson had trusted mark with no reservations or hesitations. he wonders why.  
  
but then as he inclines his head slightly to study mark, hands pillowed behind his head, quiet and looking reassuringly calm and grounded as he intently studies the dawn sky, jackson knows.  
  
it's because mark's smile puts the sun to shame and all the stars in the sky can't hold a candle to the brilliance of his rare grin. jackson thinks of street lamp backhugs, bus stop kisses and shooting star wishes. he thinks of how mark's eyes still light up with that fanatical glint as he rambles about things that make jackson's brain hurt like radial velocity and ecliptic planes and the autumn equinox. perhaps jackson will never understand. but perhaps he doesn't have to, because the only thing he really cares about is seeing mark happy.  
  
jackson realizes that he loves everything about mark, everything about yi-en -- from his eccentricities to his insecurities to his unexpected and breathtaking intensity. he loves mark's capacity -- for love, for life; loves how he reminds jackson of the proverb _still waters run deep_ , but not in a negative way. mark is so much more beautiful within than he is without, and every day, he amazes jackson a little more.  
  
  
  
jackson thinks of how breathtakingly mark loves him, how devoted he is and how selflessly and genuinely he actually cares for jackson, in a way and with a depth that no one in the world has ever done. jackson thinks once again of how blessed he is to even find one person amidst the billions in the world who is his soulmate. what were the odds of that? probably, as mark had said that day at the planetarium, as miniscule as how far two stars had to travel across the neverending sky to reach each other.  
  
as he gazes at the vestiges of the fading stars glimmering faintly in the lightening sky, jackson ponders kismet and predestination. does such a thing really exist, or is everything that ever happens in this universe completely random? he'd like to be romantic and wishful for a moment and lean towards the former.  
  
  
  
"have you ever felt nostalgic for a place that doesn't exist anymore?" he muses wistfully.  
  
mark turns his head to look over at him, eyes thoughtfully dark. he doesn't say anything, seeming to think seriously over jackson's question before he answers slowly.  
  
"sometimes."  
  
jackson hears a silent caress in the simple word, and knows that mark intuitively senses what is really troubling him -- that jinyoung is leaving for korea at the end of the year with jaebum, for at least three years of university. leaving taiwan and leaving jackson. jinyoung has been his best friend for so very long now that jackson can't even remember what it's like not to have a best friend anymore.  
  
as if reading his thoughts telepathically, mark adds quietly, "i'll still be here, you know. i felt lonely when jaebum left too, but it helped because i still had you two. and," he takes jackson's hand carefully, "this isn't forever."  
  
"nothing is," jackson replies with a note of cynicism, and mark smiles bittersweetly, not refuting. jackson fondly recalls how the four of them had fought and laughed and fallen in love together, equally passionately and viciously and savagely. and that was something that no distance in the world would ever change. from the start, the ideal club in jackson's head -- one in which mark, jinyoung, jaebum, the three juniors and him were all present -- had been a temporality, something that had an expiry date and was too perfect to last anyway. but no matter how life scatters them in future, jackson realizes that those cherished memories that they had mindlessly made not knowing how precious they would someday become, will still live on like the treasured collection of random items jackson keeps in his memory box, the glossy lacquered one mark had given him the mooncakes in. the assortment of odds and ends may seem worthless to some people, but to jackson every single article holds infinite meaning -- the piece of torn notebook paper where jackson had complimented mark's hair and mark had scrawled _thanks_ ; the paper airplane he thought had accidentally fallen into his pocket; the ticket stub from the planetarium; mark's card from the mooncake box; the seashell mark had picked up on the beach at kaohsiung and given jackson, which sounded like the far-off ocean when he pressed it against his ear; and the various selcas they had taken together through the years which jackson had taken to a photography shop and developed into hard copies. like listening to an old song, each memento summons up a particular feeling, dredges up a different kind of happiness for him.  
  
"but maybe some things are precious _because_ they're not forever," mark counters, voice soft as felt as he squeezes jackson's hand. "because we know how easily they could be lost, how fragile they are, we treasure them all the more." he looks enigmatically into jackson's eyes, words seeming to shimmer with a deeper meaning.  
  
jackson's throat constricts and it's all he can do to squeeze mark's hand back weakly. mark shifts his gaze away from jackson's face, turning slightly to look up at the now azurite sky again.  
  
"do you know what struck me the most the very first time i saw you outside the school gates?"  
  
jackson chuckles lightheartedly at the memory of their first meeting they have dissected multiple times by now. "you said..." he intends to tease mark, but finds that he's the one pinkening. "that i was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen."  
  
mark laughs, tinkling and clear in the morning silence. "not only that. that morning, you also looked like... like you couldn't be held back. like you were unstoppable. and at that moment, i wanted you more badly than i had ever wanted anything."  
  
  
  
discussing the future hopefully, like lovers -- this also feels like something jackson should feel grateful for, a quiet, mundane kind of bliss he should tuck away in his mental memory box. mark's mellow voice washes over him like the wavelets breaking over the shore, wrapping jackson in a comforting layer of security. mark talks quietly and thoughtfully about how soon they will have to tell more people -- their families, their parents -- about their relationship; how next year jackson will be officially moving into his apartment and entering his university. mark is nineteen and jackson is eighteen, and they're on the brink of adulthood, but this time jackson isn't walking through this door alone.  
  
mark turns his head to face jackson again, looking straight into his eyes. mark's eyes are serious but warm, so deep and dark jackson thinks they could possibly hold his entire world.  
  
"jia-er," mark says seriously, drawing jackson to roll onto his side too, meeting his eyes completely. there is no longer anything shy or awkward or intimidated about the way mark looks at jackson, just a careless, natural and adoring proprietariness that makes it crystal clear that mark knows he owns jackson, body and soul.  
  
"do you know this song from disney's aladdin, a whole new world?" jackson blurts out without thinking. "there's one line: _i'm like a shooting star_ \--"  
  
"-- _i've come so far_ ," mark rejoins without missing a beat, and smiles at the look of impressed surprise on jackson's face. "it's one of my favourite songs too, and that's my favourite line in the song."  
  
"why am i not surprised?" jackson snarks, but there is no bite in his word and mark laughs gleefully.  
  
"jacks," mark repeats his name, in a different variation. it's the first time he's addressed jackson by this nickname, but it flows off his lips just as smoothly as all the names he's ever called jackson by, and jackson knows, in his bones, that he wants to spend the rest of his life listening to mark call every incarnation of his name he can think of. every day.  
  
"there's nothing scary about the future," mark continues, reaching out to caress his face lightly. "you musn't be afraid."  
  
"..."  
  
"because i'll be with you. we're going to be so happy together."  
  
when jackson meets mark's eyes again through the film of his tears, mark is gazing steadily and openly into his, the rough pad of his thumb coming up to brush the tears off jackson's eyelashes.  
  
"trust me," mark says, and smiles.  
  
when his thumb moves away, revealing his face with new, startling clarity, framed by the last shadow outlines of the stars dusted across the morning sky, jackson closes his eyes and thinks of the glow-in-the-dark stars carefully arranged in an imaginary constellation on mark's bedroom ceiling, the long-ago ones they had seen that night at the meteor shower, scattered across the fathomless night.  
  
when he opens them, he sees those very same stars reflected in mark's eyes like a compass that will always guide him home, twinkling like tea lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to every single one of the many people who have ever left me a comment on this fic, kudos on ao3, including those silent readers who still spent so many hours reading all the chapters of this fic ;u; along the journey of writing this fic i've met so many amazing and wonderful readers and commenters and even new friends who gave me so, so much encouragement and support. without their input and feedback, this fic wouldn't have been possible. if you've been supporting this verse from the beginning, thank YOU for reading up till here :) it means so much to me.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [tea lights: a jjp missing moment](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5191664) by [Oquinnliest](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oquinnliest/pseuds/Oquinnliest)




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